Married With Children - Sunday Morning at Temple Solel

This morning, I participated in a program for the religious school parents who brought their children to Temple Solel's Sunday morning program. Thanks to Rabbi Kurtz-Lendner for organizing the program, and of course for the introduction and for his participation.

Our topic was "Married With Children" - though we left Al Bundy and his machinations out of the equation.

Instead, our focus was on lessons to be learned from our forefathers and mothers, in the Torah portions of yesterday (Chayei Sarah) and this coming Shabbat (Toldot).

With a merging of drama and discussion, we focused on five points to be learned from the ways in which Abraham, Isaac and Rebekah raised their children.

1. Abraham makes a concerted effort to help his son find a spouse.

While most of us do not experience parental involvement in the choosing of our mate, as parents we can be involved in the process leading up to important life decisions our children make.

2. Rebekah recognizes the different nature of each child

From the time she was pregnant with her twins, she knew each one was different. Even twins can be dramatically different from each other. It is important to recognize the differences and never to assume that just because they are being raised in the same home that the same methods will work for both (or all) of them. And, of course, to relate to each child in a different way, in a way suitable to the needs of the individual child.

We compared this to the Cain and Abel story (interestingly, Esav is a farmer and Jacob is a shepherd, which are the same professions as Cain and Abel respectively). Cain and Abel each brought an offering to God: Abel's was accepted and Cain's was rejected. Abel had brought the choice of his flock, while Cain had brought secondary items.

It was not that God compared Cain's secondary offering to Abel's choice offering. Cain was compared against himself, and what he could have brought had he only cared more.

Children should never be compared to one another. They should only be measured against their own potential.

3. Isaac and Rebekah parent differently - and love their children differently

The Torah tells us that Isaac loved Esav because of the 'food he put in his mouth,' while Rebekah simply 'loved Jacob' - with no reason attached.

While a parent may "prefer" one child over another - and it also may depend on the day - it is never a good idea to express this to children. There are no favorites.

Additionally, love must be unconditional. The moment Isaac receives food from the diguised Jacob, he blesses Jacob, because he loves the bearer of food not for who he is but for what he does.

4. Isaac and Rebekah share a vision of what is best for their child

Recognizing the danger Jacob is in due to the violent tendencies of Esav (and his self-admitted plan to kill Jacob), the two parents discuss and conclude that Jacob's best bet is to go to her brother's home where he can continue his life. They know his presence will lead, minimally, to discomfort in the home, and maximally to his death. Together they come up with a plan that will work for everyone - though the amount of time he stays away (22 years) is not anticipated.

5. Subliminal Messages

One thing Esav did learn from his father is to marry at age 40. The problem is that Abraham establishd a rule for the family that the men marry women from his hometown - Charan - and not from the women of Canaan.

Esav's wives were Hittite women, and they were a tremendous source of anguish to his parents

However, when he heard that his parents did not approve of such marriages, he immediately went and married his first cousing, the daughter of Yishmael.

Sometimes a subliminal or subversive message can get the point a cross in a clearer way, such that the child gets the message without feeling the need to reject or revolt against what is being said and/or modeled in the home.

Our discussion

We had a lovely discussion between us and focused on the need to not only study, but demonstrate and explain to our children that they are not the only ones attending classes and furthering their Jewish experience and Jewish education.

This is the first ingredient in assuring Jewish continuity: creating a culture of continued learning, as we learn lessons from our ancient texts, as they speak to us in each generation.

Lighting the Fire Before Rosh Hashana

There's an old joke.

New Year's is always January 1. Thanksgiving is always the last Thursday in November. But Jewish holidays are never on time. They're always "early" or "late"! (You can groan now)

Rosh Hashana will begin this Friday night, and it lends the question: What are we doing to prepare?

Selichot and Shofar

Those of us of Sephardic (Spain, North Africa and Middle Eastern) descent have been saying Selichot since the 1st of the month of Elul. Those of us of Ashkenazic descent began the same this past Saturday night.

All of us have been sounding and hearing the shofar on a daily basis for the last three and a half weeks.

What's Next?

One who truly believes that Rosh Hashana is a Day of Judgment has a lot to be concerned about. Does anyone really think he or she is perfect?

One of my favorite stories concerns a member of a certain synagogue (to remain nameless to protect the innocent) - and Yes this is a TRUE story - who approached the rabbi with a particular concern he had. You see, he was one of the few who was to serve as the chazzan/ ba'al tefillah (leader of the services) on Rosh Hashana, as the synagogue had multiple services and no offical cantor.

He told the rabbi, "I have a real problem saying the "Chazzan's Prayer" before Mussaf, in which it says הנְנִי הֶעָנִי מִמַּעַשֹ נִרְעַשׁ וְנִפְחַד מִפַּחַד יוֹשֵׁב תְּהִלּוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל, בָּאתִי לַעֲמֹד וּלְהִתְחַנֵּן לְפָנֶיךָ עַל עַמְּךָ יִשְׂרָאֵל אֲשֶׁר שְׁלָחוּנִי. וְאַף עַל פִּי שֶׁאֵינִי כְדַאי וְהָגוּן לְכַךְ.
["Here I am, impoverished of deeds, trembling and frightened from the dread of Him Who is enthroned upon the praises of Israel, I have come to stand and supplicate before You for Your people Israel who have sent me, although I am unworthy and unqualified to do so."]

"Rabbi, I am not a pauper of deeds - I do so much. And I am not unworthy and unqualified. I've studied the prayers and know all the right tunes. I have a real problem saying those words."

"Then I have a real problem with your leading the services," answered the rabbi.

Brilliance of the text

Most people readily admit there is much to improve in themselves. This writer included. Alas, most New Year's resolutions do not last for a very long time. We are the way we are, and continue to be the way we are because it is very difficult to change.

So at least the prayer book gives the chazzan the words to say to express the reality of his existence, that he, like the rest of us, is an imperfect human being. And though he, like the rest of us, is unworthy to serve as the defense, together we're going to make a dern good try of it.

A Possible Approach

While these next few days are not yet Rosh Hashana, maybe we can begin our process of getting ourselves into the mindset a little earlier.

I have an uncle who has always - referring to his weight - been a self-proclaimed yo-yo. We'd see him at one family gathering, and he'd be 30 pounds overweight. He'd go on a diet and by the next gathering he'd be thin as a rail. Next time, overweight again. Up and down, like a yo-yo.

He once said, "There's nothing like a doctor who can give you a good dose of 'yiras shamayim' (fear of heaven - a.k.a. reverence for God). Seriously, when a guy tells you 'If you want to live to see your grandchildren you have to lose 40 pounds (and keep it off), get some exercise and stop some of your really bad habits' you learn to listen very quickly."

Amazingly, he's kept it off and has been an average size since then.

I don't know if it's really יראת שמים (fear of heaven), or fear of death, or fear of not seeing grandchildren. (He now has a couple of grandchildren, and I hope he enjoys the nachas they give him for a long time.) But something lit a fire under him, and he changed!

So here it is: instead of making a resolution to change (which won't work), we need to light a fire under ourselves to inspire us to want to change.

Recession-Proof

The economy has put a lot of people in a position that they are rethinking priorities. Some are out of work. Some are looking for jobs. Some are lost and need direction.

These challenges are all opportunities. Whether the fire lit under us be our children, our grandchildren, or just the drive to want to live a fulfilling life, many of us will embrace it and hit it head on.

My offer to you - To Light the Fire

My market is not HR. Sad to say, I don't do hiring.

But I learn Torah with people. I have a car, and I have a flexible schedule. I can come to your place, your turf, on your time, and open your eyes to new texts and new areas of Torah study you may have never seen before, never enjoyed before, or never saw from a perspective that makes sense to you.

We'll challenge protocol together and look for answers until we're either satisfied, or really really disturbed and challenged by the things we've found.

It's not a resolution which won't work. It's lighting a fire for which someone else (in this case, I) will stoke the coals for you. You just need to want the fire to stay lit.

So send an email - avi.billet@yu.edu - or pick up the phone and call our Boca office at 561 852 3152

New Year and New Beginnings

This evening, in partnership with Temple Beth El of Hollywood, we had our first session of living room learning targeting parents of the Temple's Religious School's students.

We had a lovely time!

We used the Genesis story (the ultimate "beginning") as a metaphor for what the new school year is about.

"The earth was without form and empty, with darkness on the face of the depths, but God's spirit moved on the water's surface. God said, 'There shall be light,' and light came into existence."

After a summer of fun and less than regular Jewish experiences, children have a clean slate and are ready to be formed by the new ideas we will throw their way. If we can only give them the "light" they will be guided on a proper path as it is clear that the light is "good."

A Second beginning

When Cain and Abel have their encounter, we see the tremendously difficult urges Cain had to overcome. There is nothing quite as potent as when God warns him, "If you do not do good, sin is crouching at the door. It lusts after you, but you can dominate it."

We know he did not overcome: he faltered and succumbed to his evil inclination when he killed his brother. The problem with the whole episode though lies not in the protagonists as much as in the missing players.

Where were the parents?

Parents must be present. And even when they are not or can not be present, their influence must be present. Children have to be raised to know and believe that their parents' values are their values whether the parents are physically present or not.

And as Joseph Telushkin writes, the rest of the Bible is an affirmative response to the question Cain asks in his own defense, "Am I my brother's keeper?"

A Second Chance

Adam and Eve have another baby, whom they call Seth. After his son is born, it seems Adam can now praise God. His family will live on through his third son.

Chapter 5 begins "This is the book of the Generations of Mankind: On the day that God created man, He made him in the likeness of God."

Interestingly this verse is one of the sources utilized in a debate between Rabbi Akiva and ben Azai over which is a more important principle in the Torah. Rabbi Akiva says "V'ahavta L'reiakha Kamokha" (a.k.a. the Golden Rule of loving your neighbor as yourself) is an important principle, while Ben Azai says "This is the book of the Generations of Mankind" is an even greater principle.

It's all about humanity

What is Ben Azai talking about?

Ben Azai is talking about the human experience. He looks beyond the plight of just the neighbor. EVERY human being is created in God's image, therefore the greater principle appeals to the divine spirit that lives in each person...

V'shinantam

Finally we concluded with a recitation of the Shma, in English, in which we discovered that the commandment "Teach them to your children and speak of them when you are at home, when traveling on the road, when you lie down and when you get up" follows immediately after the commandment/suggestion: "Love God your Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. These words which I am commanding you today must remain on your heart."

The way we can get our kids to do it, is if we do it. We model, they follow.

We have to make love of God and Judaism and values essential. When we do that, or even make efforts to do more than we do, it will inevitably rub off on our children.

Then we'll have accomplished our mission.

Tizku l'mitzvot. Thank you for coming and for participating in our chavruta session.