This morning, I participated in a program for the religious school parents who brought their children to Temple Solel's Sunday morning program. Thanks to Rabbi Kurtz-Lendner for organizing the program, and of course for the introduction and for his participation.
Our topic was "Married With Children" - though we left Al Bundy and his machinations out of the equation.
Instead, our focus was on lessons to be learned from our forefathers and mothers, in the Torah portions of yesterday (Chayei Sarah) and this coming Shabbat (Toldot).
With a merging of drama and discussion, we focused on five points to be learned from the ways in which Abraham, Isaac and Rebekah raised their children.
1. Abraham makes a concerted effort to help his son find a spouse.
While most of us do not experience parental involvement in the choosing of our mate, as parents we can be involved in the process leading up to important life decisions our children make.
2. Rebekah recognizes the different nature of each child
From the time she was pregnant with her twins, she knew each one was different. Even twins can be dramatically different from each other. It is important to recognize the differences and never to assume that just because they are being raised in the same home that the same methods will work for both (or all) of them. And, of course, to relate to each child in a different way, in a way suitable to the needs of the individual child.
We compared this to the Cain and Abel story (interestingly, Esav is a farmer and Jacob is a shepherd, which are the same professions as Cain and Abel respectively). Cain and Abel each brought an offering to God: Abel's was accepted and Cain's was rejected. Abel had brought the choice of his flock, while Cain had brought secondary items.
It was not that God compared Cain's secondary offering to Abel's choice offering. Cain was compared against himself, and what he could have brought had he only cared more.
Children should never be compared to one another. They should only be measured against their own potential.
3. Isaac and Rebekah parent differently - and love their children differently
The Torah tells us that Isaac loved Esav because of the 'food he put in his mouth,' while Rebekah simply 'loved Jacob' - with no reason attached.
While a parent may "prefer" one child over another - and it also may depend on the day - it is never a good idea to express this to children. There are no favorites.
Additionally, love must be unconditional. The moment Isaac receives food from the diguised Jacob, he blesses Jacob, because he loves the bearer of food not for who he is but for what he does.
4. Isaac and Rebekah share a vision of what is best for their child
Recognizing the danger Jacob is in due to the violent tendencies of Esav (and his self-admitted plan to kill Jacob), the two parents discuss and conclude that Jacob's best bet is to go to her brother's home where he can continue his life. They know his presence will lead, minimally, to discomfort in the home, and maximally to his death. Together they come up with a plan that will work for everyone - though the amount of time he stays away (22 years) is not anticipated.
5. Subliminal Messages
One thing Esav did learn from his father is to marry at age 40. The problem is that Abraham establishd a rule for the family that the men marry women from his hometown - Charan - and not from the women of Canaan.
Esav's wives were Hittite women, and they were a tremendous source of anguish to his parents
However, when he heard that his parents did not approve of such marriages, he immediately went and married his first cousing, the daughter of Yishmael.
Sometimes a subliminal or subversive message can get the point a cross in a clearer way, such that the child gets the message without feeling the need to reject or revolt against what is being said and/or modeled in the home.
Our discussion
We had a lovely discussion between us and focused on the need to not only study, but demonstrate and explain to our children that they are not the only ones attending classes and furthering their Jewish experience and Jewish education.
This is the first ingredient in assuring Jewish continuity: creating a culture of continued learning, as we learn lessons from our ancient texts, as they speak to us in each generation.
Showing posts with label Cain and Abel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cain and Abel. Show all posts
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Family Relationships
A little belated, this article can be found here, on the Jewish Star's web site
Parshat Bereishit
What Cain said is not important
By Rabbi Avi Billet
Issue of October 16 2009/ 29 Tishrei 5770
Chava bears two children, Kayin (Cain) and Hevel, and each one takes on a profession. Time passes, Kayin brings an offering to G-d, and Hevel follows suit. Then the Torah describes the events that transpire:
4:4. G-d paid heed to Hevel and his offering 5. but to Kayin and his offering, He paid no heed. Kayin became very furious and depressed. 6. G-d said to Kayin, ‘Why are you so furious? Why are you depressed? 7. If you do good, will there not be special privilege? And if you do not do good, sin is crouching at the door. It lusts after you, but you can dominate it. 8 Kayin said to Hevel, his brother. Then, when they happened to be in the field, Kayin rose up against Hevel his brother, and killed him.
It is important to never trust a translation. Look up these verses in their original Hebrew if you want to get the most out of the following ideas.
In verse 8, the big question is what did Kayin say to Hevel his brother? The Torah does not say. Rashi makes our lives simple by saying, “There are midrashim about this, but essentially they got into an argument which came to blows.”
Ibn Ezra is a little more practical and says that a more appropriate translation would be “Kayin told Hevel, his brother” about his conversation with G-d. Toldot Yitzchak agrees, and says Kayin told him this to set the stage to kill Hevel deceptively. When a person “puts himself out there” by making a confession, the listener generally lets his guard down in empathy and sympathy. Hevel was cautious of Kayin’s temper, but with Kayin’s confession he felt more comfortable.
Using the midrashic idea that Hevel was actually stronger than Kayin, the Vilna Gaon agrees that Kayin was a trickster, but also explains that what Kayin said was “Achiv” — that he called Hevel “brother,” in order to get Hevel to feel comfortable and relaxed. This explains why in the later verses, G-d says, “Where is Hevel your brother?” G-d, in essence, was saying, “Where is Hevel whom you have been calling ‘Brother?’ What happened to that relationship?”
Kli Yakar suggests Kayin was really rebuking Hevel saying, “I am better than you. I was the first to give an offering to G-d. You only brought an offering because you saw I had offered one.”
Different midrashim suggest, as Rashi hints, that they may have argued over a number of things including: division of the world — as in real estate versus tangible objects; division of the worlds — who will rule over this world versus who will rule over the world to come; on whose land the Holy Temple will one day be built; something relating to Chava; inheritance rights; or who would get to marry Hevel’s more beautiful twin.
Targum Yonatan explains the verse as a string of existential and philosophical arguments that ended with Kayin smashing Hevel’s head, killing him.
One of the most innovative explanations is offered by the Ktav V’Hakabalah, who suggests Kayin was responding to G-d’s question in verse 8. The world “el,” that until now we have translated as “to,” can also be translated as “bishvil,” meaning “on account of.” In other words, in response to G-d’s “Why are you sad?” he responded, “on account of Hevel his brother.”
Finally, the Shakh says the Torah deliberately left out what Kayin said out of respect for the firstborn. Certainly whatever they argued about was petty and Kayin’s words — either a cheap shot or a silly argument — are unnecessary to record for posterity. It is bad enough that the murder is recorded; let it stand as it is.
I agree with the Shakh that if indeed Kayin did say something to Hevel, the specific words are not necessary to be recorded. Most arguments that take place between family members could probably be avoided, and often begin over very petty things.
We allow ourselves to get upset with family, and we excuse behavior that would not be tolerated anywhere else, thinking “It is my family member. Surely I will be forgiven and the incident will be forgotten later. We love each other anyway, no matter what.”
While members of our community are not likely to commit actual murder on account of disputes, verbal and emotional fights can wage on for weeks, months, years, decades, and even across generations. If you don’t want to be someone’s friend anymore, that is one discussion, but when these fights take place within a family, it is heartbreaking.
Is it really worth it?
If you are the one who said the wrong thing once (or many times), apologize already. Own up. And if you are the one who was on the receiving end of abusive or hurtful language, hopefully when that phone call comes, you will have the wherewithal to accept the apology, forgive and move on.
The story of Cain and Abel need not continue.
Parshat Bereishit
What Cain said is not important
By Rabbi Avi Billet
Issue of October 16 2009/ 29 Tishrei 5770
Chava bears two children, Kayin (Cain) and Hevel, and each one takes on a profession. Time passes, Kayin brings an offering to G-d, and Hevel follows suit. Then the Torah describes the events that transpire:
4:4. G-d paid heed to Hevel and his offering 5. but to Kayin and his offering, He paid no heed. Kayin became very furious and depressed. 6. G-d said to Kayin, ‘Why are you so furious? Why are you depressed? 7. If you do good, will there not be special privilege? And if you do not do good, sin is crouching at the door. It lusts after you, but you can dominate it. 8 Kayin said to Hevel, his brother. Then, when they happened to be in the field, Kayin rose up against Hevel his brother, and killed him.
It is important to never trust a translation. Look up these verses in their original Hebrew if you want to get the most out of the following ideas.
In verse 8, the big question is what did Kayin say to Hevel his brother? The Torah does not say. Rashi makes our lives simple by saying, “There are midrashim about this, but essentially they got into an argument which came to blows.”
Ibn Ezra is a little more practical and says that a more appropriate translation would be “Kayin told Hevel, his brother” about his conversation with G-d. Toldot Yitzchak agrees, and says Kayin told him this to set the stage to kill Hevel deceptively. When a person “puts himself out there” by making a confession, the listener generally lets his guard down in empathy and sympathy. Hevel was cautious of Kayin’s temper, but with Kayin’s confession he felt more comfortable.
Using the midrashic idea that Hevel was actually stronger than Kayin, the Vilna Gaon agrees that Kayin was a trickster, but also explains that what Kayin said was “Achiv” — that he called Hevel “brother,” in order to get Hevel to feel comfortable and relaxed. This explains why in the later verses, G-d says, “Where is Hevel your brother?” G-d, in essence, was saying, “Where is Hevel whom you have been calling ‘Brother?’ What happened to that relationship?”
Kli Yakar suggests Kayin was really rebuking Hevel saying, “I am better than you. I was the first to give an offering to G-d. You only brought an offering because you saw I had offered one.”
Different midrashim suggest, as Rashi hints, that they may have argued over a number of things including: division of the world — as in real estate versus tangible objects; division of the worlds — who will rule over this world versus who will rule over the world to come; on whose land the Holy Temple will one day be built; something relating to Chava; inheritance rights; or who would get to marry Hevel’s more beautiful twin.
Targum Yonatan explains the verse as a string of existential and philosophical arguments that ended with Kayin smashing Hevel’s head, killing him.
One of the most innovative explanations is offered by the Ktav V’Hakabalah, who suggests Kayin was responding to G-d’s question in verse 8. The world “el,” that until now we have translated as “to,” can also be translated as “bishvil,” meaning “on account of.” In other words, in response to G-d’s “Why are you sad?” he responded, “on account of Hevel his brother.”
Finally, the Shakh says the Torah deliberately left out what Kayin said out of respect for the firstborn. Certainly whatever they argued about was petty and Kayin’s words — either a cheap shot or a silly argument — are unnecessary to record for posterity. It is bad enough that the murder is recorded; let it stand as it is.
I agree with the Shakh that if indeed Kayin did say something to Hevel, the specific words are not necessary to be recorded. Most arguments that take place between family members could probably be avoided, and often begin over very petty things.
We allow ourselves to get upset with family, and we excuse behavior that would not be tolerated anywhere else, thinking “It is my family member. Surely I will be forgiven and the incident will be forgotten later. We love each other anyway, no matter what.”
While members of our community are not likely to commit actual murder on account of disputes, verbal and emotional fights can wage on for weeks, months, years, decades, and even across generations. If you don’t want to be someone’s friend anymore, that is one discussion, but when these fights take place within a family, it is heartbreaking.
Is it really worth it?
If you are the one who said the wrong thing once (or many times), apologize already. Own up. And if you are the one who was on the receiving end of abusive or hurtful language, hopefully when that phone call comes, you will have the wherewithal to accept the apology, forgive and move on.
The story of Cain and Abel need not continue.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)