Intermarriage Education

See here for my previous posting on this subject

Parshat Shoftim

by Rabbi Avi Billet

For as far back as I can remember, I have heard rabbis and community leaders utilize catch phrases in public lectures: "We must stem the tide of assimilation!" and "Intermarriage rates are skyrocketing!"

            

Most Jews I have met who grew up in the 1920s and 30s married Jewish and tried to raise Jewish children. Marrying a non-Jew was out of the question – and perhaps in a slightly more bigoted and less-tolerant society the feeling was mutual.

            

Many Jews who grew up in the 40s and 50s were fed similar instructions. But perhaps the emergence of Israel as a state created a human, and even admirable face to the enigma of the Jew, and marrying whomever for love began to become an option.

Nowadays, with intermarriage in the United States being over 50%, many Jewish children grow up hearing, "As long as you love your spouse, as long as you are happy, it doesn't matter to us." More than likely, a number of parents who don't inculcate the need for their children to marry Jewish don't themselves understand why it should be important.

This is not to say any Jewish parents whose child married out did not try very hard to teach their children, nor is it to suggest they are failures. In our society, people choose spouses, often enough without, despite, or deliberately against their parents' input. More couples than I can count have said to me, "I am not happy about my kid's choices. But what can I do? I still love him/her."

Is intermarriage bad?

Not wishing to be judgmental, or to point fingers, let us just say that it is particularly frowned upon in the Talmud (Yevamot 76a, Kiddushin 68b, Avodah Zara 36b) and its commentaries, and most clearly in the words of Maimonides (Laws of Forbidden Relations chapter 12).

The Torah itself says (Devarim 7:3) "Do not marry them, don't give your daughter to his son, nor take his daughter for your son."

In all fairness, one of the Talmudic debates directly addresses the question of whether this verse applies only to the 7 Nations of Canaan, even if they convert, or to all non-Jewish nations who do not convert. Other than people from a few nations that no longer exist, those who convert are no longer subject to the prohibition of this kind of inter-marriage. After all, one who converts is a Jew.

The main reason given for the prohibition, as described by Targum Yonatan, is that a nuptial of this sort paints one as having married (embraced) the other person's gods. While the Talmud in Kiddushin goes back and forth postulating whether a man follows his wife's religion, or whether a woman follows her husband's, all of which has repercussions in defining whether the children of such a union are Jewish (the Talmud's conclusion is that only a Jewish mother bears Jewish children), the verse in 7:3 suggests that either union does not promote the kind of Jewish continuity that our People need. Rabbi S.R. Hirsch has a powerful essay on this point in his Torah commentary on this verse.

The Torah's solid prohibition of intermarriage often comes into question in the context of next week's parsha, in the opening section about the "Yefat To'ar" – the beautiful, sometimes married, woman that an Israelite soldier brings home from the battlefield. (21:11-13) Rashi there says the Torah responds to one's evil inclination.

The problem is exacerbated, however, because the permissive mode comes up elsewhere: in the war with Midyan (Bamidbar 31:9,18) and in our parsha (Devarim 20:13-14). In these cases, the Torah does not seem to be responding to a particular lust – it is saying that the female prisoners of war are now available to you.

            

The Alshich in our parsha couches it all nicely saying the intent is to reflect and change one's ways through utilizing these people in helping one perform commandments.

            

In an article discussing Yefat Toar, Rabbi Michael Rosensweig addressed the question of the Torah's allowing these kinds of unions.

            

His message is quite relevant here.

            

A careful study of the Yefat Toar process affirms the need to "refashion one's emotional response to avoid even sanctioned halachic compromise."  Quoting the Kli Yakar, Rabbi Rosensweig noted that "in order to succeed against the concrete enemy on the battlefield, one must first struggle internally to refine one's halachic values and vanquish the yetzer ha-ra that is accentuated by the passions of battle." The Rabbis spoke of the negative consequences of marrying the Yefat Toar, even if it is a legal union, consequences Rabbi Rosensweig described as coming from "diluted and compromised standards of discipline, restraint, and mutual respect, [which are otherwise] cornerstones of the halachic vision of sanctity in family life."

That the Torah allows these unions specifically as a result of war stands to indicate that even these unions, valid in a specific context, are far from ideal. Suggesting "the Torah allows it and it is therefore OK all the time" is an invalid argument.

There are many people who intermarry who nonetheless agree to raise their children Jewish. I would invite the non-Jewish spouse who is raising Jewish children to consider converting – why not be completely on the same page as your children?

For the sake of the future of our People, while I hope we all bear only friendly will towards our non-Jewish neighbors, coworkers and friends, it behooves us to remind ourselves and our children (and extended family!) that we marry Jews to maintain our heritage and to preserve the best way to serve God according to the dictates of the Torah.

Good Advice

Parshat Acharei-KEDOSHIM


by Rabbi Avi Billet

In these weeks between Pesach and Shavuot, there is a widely practiced custom to study Pirkei Avot – the Chapters or Ethics of the Fathers. Some even extend this practice until Rosh Hashana, instead of having one round of study, they complete Avot four times.

The repetition is not merely meant to be a rote review. It is meant to entrench in one's mind and heart important reminders and teachings from a whole slew of rabbinic figures from the Tannaitic period. Any person who follows even twenty five percent of the "Ethics" taught in the six chapters will be one of the more ethical and wholesome people around town.

Reading Parshat Kedoshim, one finds very similar sentiments. One can't help thinking that the idea of being "Kedoshim," or as Rashi translates it "Perushim" – separate and distinct – is not only our mandate from God, but a sort of ideal. It's not just a good idea, but it is the formula for being a "light unto the nations" and a model for the world of what a Godly existence can and ought to look like.

Revere your parents, observe the Sabbath. Remember God. When you bring and consume a sacrificial offering, don't let there be leftovers – you've got to finish what you've undertaken to complete, within the allotted time.

Leave over portions of your income – whether it's from your literal produce or whatever you produce – for the poor. [A family I know inspired us to keep a separate checking account which we use solely for charitable purposes. Any income is subject to its own deduction, transferred to this account. It makes giving (whatever percentage a person chooses) so much easier. The money is set aside for this purpose. This simple move has made giving a liberating experience, as opposed to what might sometimes feel like a difficult experience.]

Don't steal, don't deny a rightful claim, don't lie to one another, don't swear falsely using God's name. Don't withhold what you owe to your neighbor. Pay people on time.

Don't curse the deaf or trick those who are blind. These two instructions could literally refer to people afflicted with these disabilities. On a deeper level, it could be an instruction not to taunt or mislead people who will not "get it," or who are unaware that what you might be doing, which may be in the guise of being helpful, is actually harmful. A person needs to be morally upright, and tricking people who are weak or unaware is, simply put, an act of cruelty.

A judge must be blind to economic circumstances, not to favor the poor or the wealthy, or the "important," but to judge on the facts alone. There is flexibility in certain areas of Jewish law to look at the specific circumstance and situation, but when it comes to money, especially others' money, the law must do what is right. Judge people fairly.

Don't gossip. Don't be a tale-bearer. Don't stand by when your neighbor's blood is being shed. These two commandments might very well be connected to one another as a reminder that if you find yourself in a situation where someone is being slandered or being cut down or having a reputation be tarnished by ill-speak, it is important to stand up, to defend, and to try to twist the conversation in a positive way. To bring the "Kaf z'chut" – the benefit of the doubt – to the forefront, or even to contradict what is being said. And if everyone is against you because they disagree, make it clear that you will not be party to such a conversation that serves no purpose other than to destroy another human being. This is "not standing idly by when blood is being shed."

Don't hate your brother in your heart, admonish your neighbor – these all follow the same line of thinking. Don't take revenge nor bear a grudge...

            

All of this culminates with the Golden Rule, to love your neighbor.

            

There are many interpretations as to how to fulfill the Golden Rule. I present four interpretations for your contemplation.

Chizkuni suggests "You should love to do him a favor, just as you would love if he’d do you a favor." [Maimonides (Laws of Mourning 14:1) expresses a similar sentiment.]

Otzar Midrashim suggests to desire for one’s friend all that he loves and desires for himself.

The Seforno quips to "Love things about your friend that you’d love if you were in his shoes."

R Samson Raphael Hirsch summarizes proper treatment of a friend or neighbor, saying "We have to love and respect all that comes to our friends – ask about his health and well-being, be happy about his success and sad about his failures, help out when it is needed, try to relieve him of his difficulties or comfort him when he is in [emotional] pain…"

There are many more mitzvot and many more suggestions for proper behavior and "above and beyond" behavior.

May we find the strength to read, contemplate, and apply as many of the Torah's teachings to our own lives, to improve our own selves and create more wholesome atmospheres among those with whom we work as well as with the people we love.

The Merits of Performance

Parshat Va'etchanan

by Rabbi Avi Billet

Tisha B'Av is a date on the calendar most noted by observant Jews. It is not so much that it is otherwise ignored, but differently affiliated Jews generally confine their annual Jewish fast days to Yom Kippur. The concept of sadness or a connection to the darker side of our People's history is by no means exclusive to any group. History's enemies of the Jewish people (some of whom continue to make history now) never differentiated between how people practiced their Judaism, as much as they obsessed over the fact that Jews identified as Jews.

The question becomes, for how much longer will those who know not of Tisha B'Av identify as Jews?

The last verse in Devarim chapter 6 states: "It will be a merit for us if we are careful to perform this entire commandment before the Lord our God, as He commanded us."

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch spells out his understanding of this verse in simple language. "We can discharge the tasks of our life's mission only if we keep the whole Torah as "mitzvah"; only if we observe all the laws, without differentiation, as God's commandment, our Divinely-ordained assignment to our life's station; only if we do every mitzvah carefully, without diminishing from it or changing it, all in accordance with the content and manner prescribed by God We do not have the right to abrogate or reform any of it."

In Hirsch's view, there is no question that an observance of Judaism that follows the letter of the Law as described in Devarim and elsewhere in the Torah, is meritorious for the Jewish people. Obedience to Divine dictates, as it were, is a lifestyle that is timeless, and is not meant to ever be viewed as being outdated.

When Rabbi JH Hertz's assumed the post of Chief Rabbi of England in 1913, his inaugural sermon invoked the message of the Men of the Great Assembly as recorded in the first mishnah in Avot, focusing on their three-tiered message, which concludes with "make a fence for the Torah."

His words are as relevant today as they were then.

"Ours will be no Platonic admiration of the Torah; ours no "fulfilling" of the Torah by abolishing it. For well we know that, when the framework of the ancient Law falls away, when the immemorial rites, customs, and ceremonies go, we are left without God in our lives. We may – for a time – remain an ethical, but we are no longer a religious people. And then our days are numbered; for in our Religion alone lies the secret of our deathlessness.  When Malachi's contemporaries asked for proof of the love of God, he bade them contrast the history of Israel with that of the neighboring Bedouin tribes. And verily, with all their outward similarity and kinship of blood, how different were the ultimate fates of Israel and of Moab, for example. 'The history of Moab, loses itself obscurely and fruitlessly in the sand; that of Israel issues in eternity.' Why? Israel had the Torah, statutes, judgments, 'fences'; ceremonies which in a world of maddening brutality, sweetened the life of the Jew; customs which linked generation to generation in filial piety; observances which in the face of countless cataclysms and dispersions unified, as nothing else could, the scattered atoms of the House of Israel – dykes built by inspired engineers to save us from all the waters of heathenism and animalism."

Tisha B'Av is therefore a microcosm of a much larger concern facing our generation. Through our history, the Jewish people were either ridiculed for not conforming to the standards of the majority population, or were singled out as scapegoats and victims for the problems and aggression of their anti-Semitic tormentors, who detested the Jewish moral righteousness and high ethical standards to which the Torah demanded the Jew to abide by.

How long will Judaism without Torah remain Judaism? Which generation of Israeli politicians will drop their 'standards' because it doesn't get them anywhere with the West and with the domestic problems that are aggravated by local enemies?

How many more generations of un-Jewishly-educated Jews will it take for Judaism to drop from their ranks and files because it will be completely out of touch, and too ancient?

The time is right for all Jews to pursue an authentic Jewish education, and to bring a dose of traditional Judaism back into the home and one's lifestyle choices.

Ethics are beautiful, but they only work when the source of the ethics are understood as not only instructive to our lives, but as a small ingredient of a larger recipe that creates a fulfilling life. The other ingredients are not self-motivated or self-understood. They come from thousands of years of a tried and true tradition that works when it is adhered to, and has proven disastrous time and time again when ignored.

As the verse says, "It will be a merit for us if we are careful to perform this entire commandment." I hope we agree that we can use all the merits we can get.