Dependence Must Lead to Independence

The Other Side of Owing Someone Is Turning A (non financial) Debt Into An Opportunity

Parshat Chayei Sarah

by Rabbi Avi Billet

               

In Avraham’s relationship with the Almighty, their connection is described in different ways in the Torah. In the beginning of Lekh Lekha He is “Hashem who appeared to him” (12:7). In the Covenant Between the Pieces (15:7) God describes Himself as the One Who “brought you out (“hotzateekha” - הוצאתיך) of Ur Kasdim.”

                

Some of the commentaries note that the language of “who brought you out” is reminiscent of Shmot 20:2 when God describes taking the Israelites out of Egyptian bondage (“hotzateekha”) – both reference God’s saving the subject of the statement from a dangerous situation.

                

At the Covenant of Circumcision, God referred to Himself using other names: “Kel Shakkai” (17:1). After making his treaty with Avimelekh, Avraham refers to God as “the God of the world” (Kel olam).

                

In our parsha, Avraham enjoins his servant first “With Hashem the God of the heavens and the God of earth,”  (24:3), and in response to the servant’s concerns that the maiden might not join him, Avraham says, “Hashem the God of the heavens, Who took me out  (“l’ka’chani” - לקחני) of my father’s household and from the land of my birthplace, and Who spoke to me, and Who swore to me that ‘I will give this land to your descendants,’” is the One who will guarantee your success in this mission.

                

It is amazing to see how Avraham views his relationship with God versus how God viewed the same relationship. Avraham has many superlatives for God, while God sees Himself as a savior and as having different names – one which means “Who has enough” as long as Avraham follows His ways (Shakkai – which is spelled with a dalet instead of the k’s used here).

                

What I find fascinating is the difference between God’s “hotzateekha” (I brought you out/saved you) and Avraham’s “L’ka’chani” (who took me out of my father’s house). Are they really saying the same thing?

                

Radak’s explanation of “L’ka’chani” is that “since I was taken from that home, God does not want me to return there.” The Toldos Yitzhak suggests that it is only “Because God took me out of there that I need to return to there to find a wife for Yitzchak. Had I remained there, obviously this task would have been much easier.” In other words, look at the repeating root word in the verse. “Since God l’ka’chani, you will go and v’lakachta (you will take) a wife for Yitzchak…”

                

The main message we can glean from the difference in language is the one articulated by Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch. God “took me” – and not “brought me out and saved me” – in order to make me into a vessel that could grasp and achieve God’s great purpose for humanity on earth.

                

It would seem that God viewed Avraham’s relationship as one in which “I did for you, now you owe Me.” Avraham, on the other hand, aimed to understand the purpose of that mission. It wasn’t as much, “What do I owe God in return for the kindnesses He did for me?” as much as it was “How can I understand God, and how can I make my relationship with Him become the primary focus of my life?”

                

There are great teachers, mentors, parents who might look back at their role in helping a child or a student. They may even think, “I saved this young person’s life” or “I gave this young person her first real chance” or “This young man owes everything to the assistance/training I gave him.”

                

In the event that they don't, they need to understand that there are different ways the other party will view that help or assistance. Some will look back at those early days and feel an eternal sense of gratitude. They may even be hampered from moving on because they may feel the gratitude they owe prevents them from branching out on their own.

                

Others may look at the opportunity of life skills they’ve been given as the tools which will help them achieve real independence. They’ll embrace their own stab at life with the attitude that “someone helped me get on my feet, and now I have to make the most of the gift of life that is mine to live. I have a mission to succeed, and I must take charge of my responsibility and shine in my own way, using my own unique talents, skills and abilities.”

                

As Avraham’s many adventures had brought him to the point of wealth and relaxation, he knew he owed much to God. But he also knew that his own efforts were highly significant in his achieving the esteem which followed him in his later years.

                

Both ingredients are important for the individual to succeed. But as each individual lives his or her own life, the person must be honored to see that the perspective of “saved me” really means “gave me the opportunity to try to make the most of my life.”