Punishment That Can Change a Man (And Some Thoughts on Divorce)

Parshat Ki Tetze

by Rabbi Avi Billet

In our post feminist world, a case in Devarim 22 is very troubling.

It concerns a man who marries and after consummating his marriage finds that he hates his wife. Instead of following the Torah's instruction for how to absolve a marriage through divorce (as is described in Devarim 24), he chooses to invent charges against her that she was unfaithful.

The most likely reason he invents the charges is to get himself out of having to pay her Ketubah – or whatever contractual agreement he entered in the marriage. In other words, he makes up a story to save a few shekels.

Of course her parents get all up in arms and do all they can to produce evidence to prove their daughter's innocence. If the evidence is accepted, "The city elders shall then take the man and flog him. They shall fine him 100 [shekels] of silver [as a penalty] for defaming an Israelite virgin, and give it to the girl's father. [The man] must then keep [the girl] as his wife, and may not send her away as long as he lives." (22:18-19)

Wait a minute. Did you catch that? He may not send her away as long as he lives? Isn't this supposed to be his punishment? What about her? Must she be condemned to live with this ingrate, this despicable individual who clearly doesn't like her, and who will go so far as to make up stories about her rather than go through the proper channels of either reconciliation, or, if need be, divorce, just in order to save himself some money? Why must she be stuck to this low-life? What about her life?

The Talmud (Ketubot 40a) explains that in cases similar to this (and if the parallel is not clear in the Talmud, the Torah Temimah assures us that it should be clear), the girl has every right, and is even instructed, to say "I don't want him." Her refusal, as the Malbim explains, gives her an easy out, and rids her of this nuisance of a man who doesn't deserve her, who tried to destroy her life. If she doesn't want him, there is no longer a positive commandment that he must marry her.

Let us assume for a moment that after whatever thought process, the girl decides she wants to stay with him. Maybe she thinks no one else will want her. After the accusation, anyone who Googles her name (even after she is proven innocent) will see the accusation at the top of every internet search of her name. She will really have no shot at a life other than with this man.

How is his inability to ever get rid of her a punishment to him, while at the same time being in some way to her benefit?

Certainly once upon a time, being married was automatically beneficial to a woman, as she was supported by her husband. And in Biblical and Talmudic times, any of the following scenarios would not present an out for him – absolution from responsibility.

Even if he somehow succeeded in divorcing her, he had to take her back (Yerushalmi Ketubot 3:6). Even if he discovers a real flaw in her, which could have absolved him of his marriage responsibilities – she becomes blind or lame, etc. - he is stuck. He must maintain and support her. (Sifrei) Even if she is barren for ten years, a condition which is viewed in some circles as grounds for divorce, he must maintain her (Malbim).

All of these indicate that even were she to become an undesirable for whatever reason, she must still be taken care of by her husband or his estate. This is an incredible guarantee which has no precedent anywhere else. Obviously most people who marry for the long haul, will be in tune to take care of one another no matter what conditions come up.

Equally obvious is that the man who fabricates a story to save a little money will not hesitate to jump ship when the going gets a little rougher. And so he needs an incentive to change who he is.

It must be understood that the Torah's rules only work for people who are committed to following them, who accept the ruling of a court and who do their best to follow the law. Every person tries to cut corners here and there, but when the judge in a court says to follow a ruling based on Torah principles, the devout person becomes grounded and does his best to comply.

The Torah says, "She must be a wife to him. He may not send her all of his days." Pay careful attention to the nuance. The onus is now on he who was careless about another person's feelings and reputation to now recognize that he must grow up and embrace another person in his life.

"She must be a wife to him" is reminding him how he must always view her. She is his wife. He must raise her up, must cherish her, and must find ways to honor and appreciate her. He may never shirk this responsibility.

It forces him to change his entire approach to females and to this woman in particular. Since she will now be with him for the long haul, if he does not want to have a miserable life, he must be the most amazing husband, doting, pampering, respectful, loving. In short, his bond is meant to turn him into a real mentsch.

           

Our communities (and faith communities in general) are the biggest proponents for marriage. And while divorce rates are rising, and are, in some cases, absolutely necessary, it is only through the method described in the Torah – that the man must write for and give his wife a divorce document – that marriages must end. The concept of the present-day "Agunah crisis" is so anti-Torah, it is a stain on any community that supports the use of a Get as a tool of extortion or preventing a woman from being able to move on with her life. Property and custody battles not withstanding. (Fight if you must, but without using the Get as a bargaining tool.)

           

The message given through this obnoxious husband is that the marriage union must be respected, and that a man must do what he can to see his woman as "his wife," who is to be honored and respected (see Rambam Hilchot Ishut 15:19). And while divorce is sometimes an option, if it is done through the prism of respecting another human being and the Torah's instruction, it is taken care of through the proper channels – with a divorce document that frees both people to move on with their lives.

           

An even better option, however, when divorce isn't absolutely necessary, is for people to view their marriage as sacrosanct, and to work very hard to do what is possible to raise the other person up. People who view their responsibilities in marriage as givers and supporters, rather than as takers and selfish individuals, have a much better chance of living out the blessing of the mitzvah here: "He can not send her away for the rest of his life" because he loves her so much and treats her so well, he cannot imagine a life without her as the center of his universe.

An Important Issue - Quick Marriages and Divorces

Last week an article I wrote about what I call the "post-shidduch crisis" appeared in The Jewish Star. It made its way to the vosizneias.com, where it created a bit of a splash.

It made it to Gil Student's hit list on his blog - hirhurim.blogspot.com - one of the Thursday links.

Here is the article - please feel free to comment below...

Opinion: The Post-Shidduch Crisis

By Rabbi Avi Billet

Issue of October 30th/ 12 Cheshvan 5770

Our community has a lot to say about the “shidduch crisis.” First, we blame the singles themselves. Why can’t young people date like we did? Why can’t they meet people in normal ways? Why can’t they have social functions like we had? Why can’t they get over their hang-ups of dating one person at a time? Why do they have to be so picky? Maybe they don’t really want to get married, because if they did, they would.

Then we blame their teachers. Why don’t the rebbeim do something about it? Why do they teach the boys that girls are taboo until it’s time to get married? Why are girls prohibited from talking to boys because of a stigma?

Then we blame halacha (Jewish law). It’s because they can’t be normal teenagers or adults – they don’t hold hands (plenty do anyway — that’s for a different discussion). What’s the big deal about a casual hug or impersonal kiss? Modesty shmodesty — they’re going to share a bedroom once they’re married, so why the need to dress modestly now?

Then we blame the culture we’ve created. Ridiculous background checks that put FBI and El-Al security to shame. Measuring tapes to check lengths of skirts, sleeves, and hat-brims. How classy are the “mechutanim”? (What does any of this have to do with whether the dating couple will honor, respect and care for each other in what will hopefully be a long marriage?)

It’s been said before that people get more excited about, and put way more hours into, preparing what will be a five-hour wedding than what should be, in good health, a fifty-plus years marriage.

Which leads to a newer, more serious crisis: the post-shidduch “very short marriage” crisis.

One of my professors in Yeshiva University would quip that college students got engaged so they could tell their friends “I’m engaged.” He’d say, “You people don’t know anything about love and romance. And you’re all too young to get married.”

Based only on informal polling, I would bet most people would probably prefer to experience or witness a broken engagement than a divorce. One of the last statements in Tractate Gittin (90b) is Rabbi Elazar’s comment that when a divorce takes place, even the mizbeach (altar) sheds tears.

At one point a couple of years ago, I personally knew of five marriages and divorces between the same couples that had taken place over a period of ten months. It is sad to think that all the joy, optimism and hope that took place at the wedding resulted in misunderstandings, disrespect (in some cases), and shattered dreams.

Unquestionably, men and women go into marriages with different expectations. Men and women have different needs spiritually, emotionally, and physically. They each bring different strengths to a marriage. But they each need to know in advance that not only is the marriage a partnership, but it is also a team. Sometimes you need to sacrifice yourself so the other person can shine. But the sacrifice helps the team win.

What is lost in communication pre-marriage? In all the hours dating and talking and sharing dreams, what is missed? How does the “love love love” feeling drastically switch (in such a short time) to “divorce”? Could it be we are not teaching ourselves that problems can come up and we need to deal with them? Could it be our eyes are so glazed over at the thought and process of preparing for that walk down the aisle we forget that five hours after the procession there’s a life to live together? And we need to prepare for that?

In America, it’s been said that “Marriage as an institution is a failure.” (To a similar statement, Groucho Marx said “And who wants to live in an institution?”) But it doesn’t have to be. It can be stressful, at times, and it requires work all the time. And that is why the married couple is a team. When a team works together and communicates, they can succeed. If each player is only worried about his or her own stats, the team has no chance.

Communication is hard at first. How does one give up being single, independent, making your own decisions, and replace that with having to think of another person? How does one communicate intimate, private thoughts about very personal dilemmas that one has never shared with anyone before? It sometimes takes time to really get to know and trust one’s spouse.

People who have never lived together do not really know each other until they have lived together for some time. I heard a great speaker talk about love and marriage and he declared, “Knowing what I know about love now [after 25 years of marriage] I would venture to say I did not love my wife when we got married.” But they grew together and built a wonderful marriage together.

There are a number of very traumatic events in a person’s life that can have a negative impact on one’s psyche and lead to symptoms of depression. They include: getting married, birth of a baby, moving, starting a new job, getting fired, divorcing, death of a close loved one. Marriage and moving usually take place at the same time, and if the wife or husband is from “out of town,” the move can be even more traumatic. The two people need to be there for each other, to trust each other, to share with each other, validate feelings, work together, see a marriage counselor if necessary, and work through kinks. The first few miles of any new road can be bumpy, but that doesn’t mean it’s an altogether bad road.

This is not to say that mistakes don’t happen. Some things creep up and come out in a way a person might never know until a man and woman share a roof. In some cases, there can be no reparation and the two parties will really have a miserable marriage if they stay together. This is why the Torah describes a method of divorce, why an entire tractate of the Talmud is dedicated to the topic, and why a complete section of the Shulchan Arukh is devoted to interpersonal relationships between men and women in the context of marriage and divorce. It is certainly hard to know the future. But divorce after a four-month marriage shouldn’t always be the answer to what seem to be, after such a short time, irreconcilable differences.

The mizbeach would like to stop crying.