Honoring Parents Forever

Parshat Kedoshim 

by Rabbi Avi Billet 

Chapter 20 verse 9 contains a mitzvah that seems to be a repeat from Shmot 21:17 that addresses the punishment to be placed upon one who curses one’s parents.

The various Midrashic comments on the verse in Shmot note that our verse in Kedoshim serves to clarify some of the nuances of the law, such as that a person is in violation of the law not only on the occasion of cursing both parents (which seems to be the implication in Shmot), but even if one curses one or the other. Another clarification from our parsha is in the death penalty that is included in the verse: stoning. [An understanding of Biblical death sentences is beyond the scope of this discussion.]

The Midrash and some commentaries – in both verses – note that the prohibition is only on cursing one’s parents, but not on cursing one’s grandparents. Of course, one might suggest that the reason the prohibition doesn’t extend that far is because a person would never have the need to curse one’s grandparents.

Of course, a person should never have the need to curse one’s parents, but we are all familiar with circumstances that have unfortunately ruined a relationship between parent and child.

In my school years, I was acquainted with some kids whose parents had either been through a very difficult divorce, and one case in which the father still hadn’t given the mother a get after many years of separation. These young men I knew had zero respect for their father, and were probably in violation of this mitzvah – for understandable reasons.

Hopefully people can be given the strength to never bring their relationship with their children to this point – because the parent is then in violation of a different mitzvah from our parsha – 19:14 “Do not put a stumbling block before the blind.”

How far does the prohibition extend?

Rashi on the verse notes that one may not curse one’s parents even after their deaths. The Torah Temimah explains that a curse causes damage to the soul.

Your own age does not matter, notes Targum Yonatan, as you may NEVER curse your parents, even when you are old.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch adds that “even in their deaths, the influence of the parent never ceases.”

It is this last point that may give the most insight into this mitzvah. Why it is presented in the negative is perhaps meant to strike home how important the respect for the parent must be. Despite any negativity one must have experienced in life. Your parents brought you into this world, you owe them the respect that comes from their simply having given you the gift of life.

I have met a few people – in the last few weeks alone – who have suffered the lost of a parent. One had a not-so-positive relationship with the parent. One was so-upset at the parent’s early death. I know of circumstances in which the parent took his own life, leaving behind a shattered family and a tremendous amount of pain. In all cases, the shiva was sat, the kaddish was nonetheless recited, and the act of mourning was certainly carried out publicly. What goes on in private is not my business.

And so there is a mix of emotions which accompany the circumstances that might bring about a feeling that “the parent deserves a curse.”

On the other hand, the inverse message is probably true as well. And that is that if a person honors (Shmot 20:12) and cherishes one’s parents, and reveres one’s parents (Our parsha – 19:3), that a blessing is heaped upon the individual. The Torah promises long life in the Ten Commandments – and certainly that would be a blessing.

But it goes further – because the need to honor one’s parents goes beyond the grave. Not just in the respectful funeral and beautiful matzevah (grave stone), but in talking about the parents, thinking about the parents, quoting the parents, remembering the parents, honoring parents becomes about so much more than bringing in a little schnapps to shul on a yarzeit. It becomes about how we promulgate legacies; how the grandchildren and great grandchildren that carry the names of the deceased are taught about their forebears and encouraged and trained to keep their legacies alive.

Those of us who are blessed to have parents (and they should all be blessed with long, healthy and happy lives!) must do our best to honor and appreciate them in their lives.

Those who are on the other side, whose parents are deceased, can do much more than remember parents on yarzeits, but can honor their memories every day of the year. We can learn, give tzedakah, do mitzvos, and continue to support Jewish causes in their names. This will promulgate their continued impact in our lives.

Love Can Overcome Differences

Parshat Noach

by Rabbi Avi Billet

 All Harry Potter fans know that Lily Potter gave her life for her son, and what saved his life in his various encounters with the villain of the series (who must not be named) is Love.

 The theme of Love was also the savior in Madeleine L’Engle’s “A Wrinkle in Time” when minds and destinies were to be lost and destroyed were it not for love.

 I am sure this theme is recast in many forms in countless successful books.

 But it seems far removed from the tale of Noach, in a story in which it might have played a critical role. 

Aftermath of Har Nof Terrorist Attack

I received a tremendous amount of good feedback for this speech. And much encouragement to post it to this blog. While I certainly don't have answers, and I continue to mourn with klal yisrael, if anyone finds comfort from these words, that is a blessing. 

Toldos: A Time To Mourn, a Time to Live

          This has been a very difficult week. For all of us. There were more people attacked yesterday. Who knows what today will bring?

          Who would ever think that just going to shul, a normal procedure for many of us on a daily basis, could become an act that we might associate with a horrifying tragedy? (so many possible links...)

          We must all take, teach and spread an important language lesson.

          When Jews are murdered because they are Jews, we don’t record with “profound sorrow” their passing. We don’t mourn the “death” of the deceased. And we certainly don’t say ברוך דיין האמת.

          We record with “horrifying pain” their murder. We mourn for the “evil crime perpetrated” against the murdered  and against all of כלל ישראל – we cry with their families, with 25 orphans, with tens of grandchildren who no longer have grandfathers, with 4 unexpectant widows. And with all of אחינו בני ישראל. And instead of Blessing the Dayan HaEmet, the true judge, we cry out HASHEM YINKOM DAMAM. May GOD AVENGE THEIR BLOOD!! That their murderers are dead is fitting. But their damage is done. And most sadly, it cannot be undone.

          I have a very hard time swallowing the idea that these murders are brought about by a דיין האמת. I believe terrorists have free will, and they behave independent of the Will of the דיין האמת. It’s a struggle to consider that life and death are written on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur – is this really what God had in mind?

          We also mourn for a police officer – Zidan Sayif. Not a Jew. But an Israeli hero nonetheless. Who gave his life to save his fellow Israelis. Rav Ovadiah Yosef, Z”L in one of his later teshuvos – when asked if a prayer could be said in a synagogue for a Druze soldier who was killed in the line of duty in defense of the State of Israel – wrote the following:

          The Druze believe in one God. They are not idolators. They believe in the concept of the soul. They enlist in the IDF, and put their lives on the line to protect the citizens of Israel. They abide by the 7 Noachide laws. They are included in the righteous gentiles of the world. ABSOLUTELY PRAY FOR THEM.

          As one headline I saw said, “Israel’s latest hero isn’t even Jewish.”

          So let us save the blessings for the Dayan HaEmet for when He in His own ways ends a life. But when Jews are murdered, we MUST MUST MUST CALL EVIL FOR WHAT IT IS, AND DEMAND OF GOD TO ENACT VENGEANCE AGAINST MURDERERS and those who send them to perform their despicable acts. Just as we say for victims of the Holocaust, Hashem Yinkom Damam, and we say Y’mach Sh’mam V’Zichram about their murderers, the same appelations apply to victims of terrorist aggression and those who perpetrate the same. Who “excuse” their barbaric behavior as a “natural response to the occupation.” There is nothing natural about the use of meat cleavers and machetes. Any human being who excuses this kind of behavior has no credibility and no shred of humanity.

          My sister shared with me a note written by the widows of (Hashem Yinkom Damam) Rabbis Kalman Levine, Moshe Twersky, Aryeh Kopinsky, Mr. Avraham Goldberg,  imploring ALL OF ACHEINU BNEI YISRAEL to dedicate this Shabbos, Parshas Toldos, as a יום של אהבת חינם. A Day Of Baseless Love for our Fellow Jews. Charging us to avoid senseless quibbles, speaking lashon hara and rechilus – gossip and slander. Speaking ill of one another. I am sure this is something we can all do, as they put it – as an עילוי נשמת the souls of their murdered husbands, fathers, grandfathers.

          It shouldn’t take tragedy or a response to tragedy for us ALL to commit to this. But at least for today, let us honor this request.

          In our parsha today we read of two instances where someone was fearful for his life – each responded to the concern in a different way.

          Yitzchak was worried that if people found out he was married that they would kill him and take his wife as the prize.

          Rivkah was worried that Eisav would make good on his promise to kill Yaakov after having lost his intended bracha through seeming deception.

          Yitzchak lived amongst his enemies after discovering the threat to his life, and eventually moved to a town not too far away. Yaakov chose to run away, to let time heal the wounds, so that when he would eventually return, bygones would be bygones.

          The eventual confrontation, in both cases, went surprisingly well.

          In our parsha, after Yitzchak is first given asylum, then thrown out of Gerar because of his financial success, Avimelekh finally turns to Yitzchak to make peace. After Yitzchak counters “WHY ARE YOU HERE – YOU HATE ME?” Avimelekh explains his reasoning because, as he puts it, רָאוֹ רָאִינוּ כִּי־הָיָה יְקֹוָק עִמָּךְ. We see God is with you.

          In Parshas Vayishlach, if you ignore the Midrash for a moment, we see that Eisav is more than cordial at his reunion with Yaakov. He even appears to be magnanimous – telling Yaakov he doesn’t need the gifts Yaakov gave him, inviting Yaakov to live with him in Seir. It’s an incredible twist from what we’d expect.

          What happened? Why would these sworn enemies make peace? Did they get religion? Avimelekh mentions God. Eisav says יש לי רב – which probably doesn’t really mean “I got me a rabbi.”

          I think that for both of these men, TIME gave them the element of perspective. Avimelekh was able to see that fighting with Yitzchak was not to his benefit. If the Jew was successful financially and would only be contributing to his nation’s economy, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to expel him from [Spain, Portugal, England, Germany, Palestine, Israel...] Gerar.

         

          Eisav took an honest assessment of his assets 20 years after Yaakov left and saw he had a significant family, his nation was well under way in its formation, and he had actually done well financially. He owed his success to the blessing he received, and of course, to his own prowess, strength and talents, which were best served at creating and building, rather than in complaining and destroying.

          The Jews in Israel are not going to move to an outskirt city – like Yitzchak did in moving to Nachal Gerar. They’re not going to leave the country, as Yaakov did in fleeing to Charan. The recognition of ראו ראינו כי היה ה עמך, and that יש לי רב have to be reached by the Arabs in the land. I believe that the policies of the State of Israel reflect that they recognize these truths about the Arabs. The Arabs aren’t going anywhere, and their religion (when practiced peacefully) is respected. But it takes two to tango. And we continue to wait for TIME to help them come around to the reality that our People are not going anywhere, and that Judaism is an honorable and peaceful religion, that Jews don’t resort to violence to make a point.

          But we will respond to provocative violence with force, because we must. As Golda Meir once put it - "I understand the Arabs wanting to wipe us out, but do they really expect us to cooperate?"

          Koheles says לכל זמן. And I think we can say that only time will tell what will be. Will the events in Har Nof be a turning point in terms of how Israel views its security concerns? Will the world recognize that they who have supported the Palestinians are on the wrong side – because this is what they are supporting?

          When CNN and the BBC can be called out over and over and over for their biased reporting on this story – equating the death of the murderers by police with the death of theirvictims, declaring the attack having taken place in a mosque, suggesting all Israelis (including babies) are like combat soldiers worthy of being targetedby terrorists in their struggle, telling Naftali Bennett that holding up apicture of a murdered Jew is offensive while they posted pictures – mostlystaged, fake, or lifted from Syrian conflicts – of dead Arabs throughout the summer – when normal media calls them out for their buffoonery and malice, this is an incredible turn. Will it be a turning point? For CNN – the Chamas News Network – probably not. But good people are taking notice.

          Most importantly, will the decent people in the Arab world take the perspective of the Druze – embrace their citizenship in Israel, be proud of their country, denounce terrorism, change their rhetoric, recognize that if they can only see what Avimelekh saw – that the Jews have lowered their infant mortality rate, have raised their life expectancy age, have improved their medical care, have brought great blessing to the Land, have made a wasteland much more than just inhabitable, have provided a free society where they can live, raise families, practice their faith and fulfill a human purpose on Earth of being a contributing member of society – will they oust the evil from within them?

          Only time will tell.

          While people who are hated are discussed in theoretical cases throughout the Torah, there are three individuals who are specifically hated using the word שנאה: Yitzchak is hated by Avimelekh. Leah feels hated as a wife. And Yosef is hated by his brothers. Before the sun sets on the book of Bereshis, all of these hatreds are resolved. Peace with Avimelekh is achieved. Yaakov has seven children with Leah and is buried with her. Yosef and his brothers reconcile.

          Hatred can lead to peace. It is possible.

          My sister who lives in Israel shared with me a nice story that perhaps is a demonstration of this: Someone she knows shared a tidbit from her morning on Thursday, when she was in a bakery in Jerusalem and noticed she was standing behind Natan Sharansky. She told him she had just cited from his book this week in a class she was teaching on Sefer Tehillim, sharing his inspiring story of how he had kept a tiny book of Tehillim with him at all times, even when he had to struggle with the authorities to get it back. At that point, Sharansky smiled, reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a tiny (palm-sized) tattered book of Tehillim. Stunned, she asked him “Do you carry that wherever you go?” Sharansky didn’t even pause and he replied “Actually, it carries me!” We know his story. For him, hatred turned to peace when he was given his freedom and he was able to emigrate.

          My father went to Israel for half a day to make shiva visits to the four families in Har Nof. His report to his children written after his visits, which he sent to us via email, began: “I visited all four families. They each received me very nicely. These are very religious people who have a lot of trust and faith in God. Therefore they have accepted God's judgment with love.”

          Their letter expresses – through very broken hearts – this love. Love of God, and love of Am Yisrael. If Sharansky is right, that his Tehillim continue to carry him, then let us tap into that truth. If we can honor the request of these incredible families and love and cherish one another, and take their model as an example of how to embrace God even in the most troubling and challenging of times, we will be doing our part to bring peace to the world. And in that merit, may the blessing achieved for Yitzchak and Yaakov in their conflicts with Avimelekh and Eisav be heaped upon all of us when the Goeil Tzedek helps God fulfill the prayer of ופרוש עלינו סכת שלומיך as the understanding of these tragedies becomes clear, and the ultimate peace for our People throughout the world is achieved.

2 Kinds of Teshuvah

Rosh Hashana

by Rabbi Avi Billet

 Anyone who has studied the concept of Teshuvah (Repentance) knows that there are two realms in which all of us need to improve: Between ourselves and fellow Man, and between ourselves and God.

One can argue that Teshuvah between Man and God is much more easily achieved. It is literally lip service, along with a commitment of some kind to change one’s ways. Plus Yom Kippur, and your atonement potion is complete.

 For sins between ourselves and fellow Man, however, the process of Teshuvah is much more difficult. Praying to God does nothing to atone for these kinds of sins unless the offense has been either corrected or apologized for directly.

 The Slonimer Rebbe reminds us that there are two ways a person can go about trying to achieve Teshuvah. There is Teshuvah me’yirah (repentance out of fear), and Teshuvah me’ahavah (repentance out of love). Both have merits, but which is better?

 A parable will suffice to illustrate the differences. A man living in a kingdom decided that the king was no good. Organizing his friends with revolutionary ideas, he rallied people against the king, and created quite an anti-establishment movement. Until the whole thing was silenced and put down by the king.

 Realizing the danger into which he had put himself, the man came to the king on his knees begging for forgiveness and a pardon. This is Teshuvah me’yirah, repentance and returning out of fear of retribution.

 However, the king reminded him, as much as this might make him change on a personal level, the damage was done. The revolutionary ideas were planted. There is a rebellious element in the land due to his actions. In other words, even Teshuvah me’yirah does not erase the resulting damage, it does not turn back the tremendous “Hillul Hashem” – desecration of God’s name – which ensued from one’s actions.

 What can achieve that effect? Teshuvah me’ahavah, a return to God out of love. In essence, if the same revolutionary alters his views and sees not only that he should not have rebelled against the king, but that the king is kind and good and that the king only needs support from his people, he can create a pro-king revolution. He can take the opposite public stand from what he had done before, and demonstrate a real change – a change that has its roots in love for the king.

 It is counter-culture. And it can be very effective.

 The truth is, such an idea is not so counter-culture. We say every day in Shema that “You will love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your essence.” A person who actually fulfills such a notion, who sees God as a beloved, wants nothing but to please God, sees flaws in sinning, is not interested in veering from the Godlike path.

 And we also declare on a daily basis what the result from the other side is. Towards the end of Ashrei (Psalm 145) we declare, “R’tzon y’reav yaaseh… Shomer Hashem et kol ohavav,” He does the will of those who fear Him, and He hears their cry and saves them. The Lord guards all who love Him, and He destroys all the wicked.

 This is the combined response that comes to those who come to God out of fear and those who come to God out of love. Those who fear God are answered and saved. But the source of their oppression is not destroyed until they come to love Him.

 What do we prefer? To have a guardian angel protecting us whenever we’re in trouble? Or to have the trouble eradicated so the guardian angel is not necessary?

 Anyone who has ever been in dire straits knows very well that the latter option is preferred. Let me live my life without pain and suffering. Let me live without worry about what an evil person or entity will do to me, my family, my People. Let me live in such a manner that I can focus on real goals and do my part as an Eved Hashem – a servant of God – who just wants to bring light and goodness to the world.

 A man I knew passed away around Pesach time of this past year. Every time I spoke with him he’d mention all the good in his life (and believe me he had rough times as well) always noting how much he loved Hashem. For him it wasn’t lip service, it was genuine sincerity, coming from a place of goodness, of knowing that life comes full circle, and that the best friend a person can have, if one understands life in such a manner, is God. And when one realizes that, one can come to love Him.

 It may be hard for some people to come to grips with it. And some people suffer too much and have too many questions. And yet some people who suffer greatly still manage to emerge from it all, heroically, declaring their unending love for their Maker.

 May we be blessed in our pursuit of loving God and returning to Him with love, so we may all merit a Shanah Tovah – a good year for all.

The Victory That Comes From Doing God's Will

Parshat Devarim

by Rabbi Avi Billet               

Moshe said, “God was also angry at me… [as He] said, ‘You too shall not go there. Yehoshua bin-Nun… is the one who will apportion it to Israel. As for your children of whom you said ‘They’ll be taken captive,’ and your children who did not know good from evil this day – they will come there. To them shall I give it and they shall possess it.’” (Devarim 1:37-39)

                

Without going into too much of the background, in this passage Moshe outlines who will be inheriting the land – as the apportioner and the apportionees – and who will not be involved in the process (Moshe himself).

                

His focus on the children being the ones to inherit – along with the emphasis on good and evil – prompted the Midrash Tanaim to explain that this is a reference to war. “They have to know that it is God who wages war for you, and that you do not have to fight when you are doing God’s will.” The Baal Haturim goes along similar lines when he says exile would have never happened had the people not turned to sin.

                

Rabbi Yehuda Amital, the founding Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivat Har Etzion (“the Gush”), was appropriately critical of people (i.e. certain contemporary rabbis) who would look at any event and ascribe causality to it. “This tragedy happened because…” is in an ineffable statement to make. We don’t explain rockets, destruction, wars, and a Holocaust. We are not prophets. We do not know why these things happen.

                

God-fearing people say “This is God’s will. It is part of His Master Plan,” and continue to live their lives in the service of God, trying to get closer to Him despite the sadness that may pervade at any particular point in time. Rav Amital, whose fifth yarzeit was this past week, was in several labor camps during the Holocaust and lost his entire family. In response to the question of how he could have faith in God after the Holocaust, he explained that if he had lost his faith that wouldn’t bring his family back. It wouldn’t answer any of his questions about God’s hiding His face during that era of darkness.

                

But the message of the Midrash Tanaim is still worthy of consideration. We do not understand how the “doing of God’s will” plays a role in the upper spheres. But every one of us can probably pinpoint a time in our lives when we knew we were doing things right, and other things in our lives fell into place. Whether it was a job, a promotion, a family member getting better from illness, or life just being good. It happens all the time – we just don’t always notice.

                

And so it is up to us, particularly at this time of year with Tisha B’Av approaching, to ask ourselves if we are properly doing God’s will. The great prophets and Sages were granted the insight to say the first Temple was destroyed because of murder, idolatry, immorality, and the Second Temple was destroyed on account of baseless hatred. And while we don’t dare make similar pronouncements in our times (and shame on those who do!), we can certainly improve in those areas! Idolatry and murder are, thank God, not big challenges for our people. But immorality is. And baseless hatred certainly is.

                

There’s a reason many of the “al chet”s we include in our Viduy confession are for sins of the eyes and the mouth, because it is through these channels that most of our sins are committed – whether we ourselves look at things we should not be looking at and say things we should not, or whether we cause others to look at things they should not see or have them hear things they should not be hearing.

                

The good and evil that the Midrash Tanaim says refers to war could have two meanings. The esoteric meaning is for the internal battle that a person fights between the yetzer hara (the evil inclination) and the yetzer hatov (the good inclination).

                

But in a practical sense, it refers to the battles which were to soon be waged by the Israelite armies entering the land. And Moshe is recalling how 39 years earlier he told the generation that was not going to be entering the land that it would be up to their innocent children, who had not yet tasted good and evil, to lead the charge in inheriting the land.

                

The verses which follow show the response of the people when they heard this pronouncement:  “We have sinned to God! We will go up and do battle according to everything that our God has commanded us!” (1:41)

                

And the Exodus generation was told not to, because God was no longer with them and would not fight their battles any more.

                

Are we reliving this history? Every generation in Israel has borne the responsibility of fighting the battle that the previous generation did not finish. It is the “children” (18-22 year olds are young men, but they are all sons of the nation of Israel) who are fighting, the children who learn quickly about the difference between good and evil. Many of these “children” are older reservists, and they too are battling in the trenches.

                

Our job is to love them, to care for them, and to do our part through doing God’s will. Unlike the generation who left Egypt, who were told (when they messed up with the spies) that God is no longer with them, we must assure, for the safety of our soldiers and our People in Israel and around the world, that we are doing God’s will, so God will in-turn be with us.

                

When the enemy is so evil and only cares to rack up deaths on both sides, we must know where we stand. War is sadly a necessary evil. And it brings great sacrifice in pursuit of a hopefully attainable and sustainable peace. The attitude of Tzahal (IDF) through all of this has been inspiring.

                

May our efforts, not just during the Nine Days, but throughout the year as well, sway God to continue to guide the soldiers of Israel in their important work, and may all of Israel merit to live peacefully under the banner of the promise that “your children who did not know good from evil this day – they will come there. To them shall I give it and they shall possess it.” In safety, in peace, and – much like has been demonstrated in Israel in support of the soldiers – with a complete sense of Ahavat Chinam, loving our fellow Jew.

Value of Our "Seed"

Parshat Bechukotai

by Rabbi Avi Billet

The final chapter of the book of Vayikra delves into the topic of Endowments and Valuations, essentially answering the question of what value humans, animals and properties have if a person makes a pledge to the Mishkan based on the value of another human being, etc. It is not to suggest that a direct monetary value can be assigned to any person, because human beings are priceless, but that a donation based on such a declaration carries with it a measurable value.

              
“If a man consecrates a field from his hereditary property to God, its endowment value shall be calculated according to the amounts of seed [required to sow it], 50 silver shekels for each chomer of barley seed.” Chomer is a measurement of seed that might cover or plant close to 4 acres of farmland. (See the Living Torah)

              
Rabbi Akiva Sofer asks a very simple question, and gives a very Hassidic-style answer. “Do you want to know the value of the person who sanctifies his property to God? Do you want to know if he is complete in his heart, in his fear and reverence of God? Then ‘his value should be calculated based on his seed.’”

              
Rabbi Sofer takes the literal meaning of the text and takes a very simple alternative twist, utilizing another important translation of the word “Zera” -

Punishment That Can Change a Man (And Some Thoughts on Divorce)

Parshat Ki Tetze

by Rabbi Avi Billet

In our post feminist world, a case in Devarim 22 is very troubling.

It concerns a man who marries and after consummating his marriage finds that he hates his wife. Instead of following the Torah's instruction for how to absolve a marriage through divorce (as is described in Devarim 24), he chooses to invent charges against her that she was unfaithful.

The most likely reason he invents the charges is to get himself out of having to pay her Ketubah – or whatever contractual agreement he entered in the marriage. In other words, he makes up a story to save a few shekels.

Of course her parents get all up in arms and do all they can to produce evidence to prove their daughter's innocence. If the evidence is accepted, "The city elders shall then take the man and flog him. They shall fine him 100 [shekels] of silver [as a penalty] for defaming an Israelite virgin, and give it to the girl's father. [The man] must then keep [the girl] as his wife, and may not send her away as long as he lives." (22:18-19)

Wait a minute. Did you catch that? He may not send her away as long as he lives? Isn't this supposed to be his punishment? What about her? Must she be condemned to live with this ingrate, this despicable individual who clearly doesn't like her, and who will go so far as to make up stories about her rather than go through the proper channels of either reconciliation, or, if need be, divorce, just in order to save himself some money? Why must she be stuck to this low-life? What about her life?

The Talmud (Ketubot 40a) explains that in cases similar to this (and if the parallel is not clear in the Talmud, the Torah Temimah assures us that it should be clear), the girl has every right, and is even instructed, to say "I don't want him." Her refusal, as the Malbim explains, gives her an easy out, and rids her of this nuisance of a man who doesn't deserve her, who tried to destroy her life. If she doesn't want him, there is no longer a positive commandment that he must marry her.

Let us assume for a moment that after whatever thought process, the girl decides she wants to stay with him. Maybe she thinks no one else will want her. After the accusation, anyone who Googles her name (even after she is proven innocent) will see the accusation at the top of every internet search of her name. She will really have no shot at a life other than with this man.

How is his inability to ever get rid of her a punishment to him, while at the same time being in some way to her benefit?

Certainly once upon a time, being married was automatically beneficial to a woman, as she was supported by her husband. And in Biblical and Talmudic times, any of the following scenarios would not present an out for him – absolution from responsibility.

Even if he somehow succeeded in divorcing her, he had to take her back (Yerushalmi Ketubot 3:6). Even if he discovers a real flaw in her, which could have absolved him of his marriage responsibilities – she becomes blind or lame, etc. - he is stuck. He must maintain and support her. (Sifrei) Even if she is barren for ten years, a condition which is viewed in some circles as grounds for divorce, he must maintain her (Malbim).

All of these indicate that even were she to become an undesirable for whatever reason, she must still be taken care of by her husband or his estate. This is an incredible guarantee which has no precedent anywhere else. Obviously most people who marry for the long haul, will be in tune to take care of one another no matter what conditions come up.

Equally obvious is that the man who fabricates a story to save a little money will not hesitate to jump ship when the going gets a little rougher. And so he needs an incentive to change who he is.

It must be understood that the Torah's rules only work for people who are committed to following them, who accept the ruling of a court and who do their best to follow the law. Every person tries to cut corners here and there, but when the judge in a court says to follow a ruling based on Torah principles, the devout person becomes grounded and does his best to comply.

The Torah says, "She must be a wife to him. He may not send her all of his days." Pay careful attention to the nuance. The onus is now on he who was careless about another person's feelings and reputation to now recognize that he must grow up and embrace another person in his life.

"She must be a wife to him" is reminding him how he must always view her. She is his wife. He must raise her up, must cherish her, and must find ways to honor and appreciate her. He may never shirk this responsibility.

It forces him to change his entire approach to females and to this woman in particular. Since she will now be with him for the long haul, if he does not want to have a miserable life, he must be the most amazing husband, doting, pampering, respectful, loving. In short, his bond is meant to turn him into a real mentsch.

           

Our communities (and faith communities in general) are the biggest proponents for marriage. And while divorce rates are rising, and are, in some cases, absolutely necessary, it is only through the method described in the Torah – that the man must write for and give his wife a divorce document – that marriages must end. The concept of the present-day "Agunah crisis" is so anti-Torah, it is a stain on any community that supports the use of a Get as a tool of extortion or preventing a woman from being able to move on with her life. Property and custody battles not withstanding. (Fight if you must, but without using the Get as a bargaining tool.)

           

The message given through this obnoxious husband is that the marriage union must be respected, and that a man must do what he can to see his woman as "his wife," who is to be honored and respected (see Rambam Hilchot Ishut 15:19). And while divorce is sometimes an option, if it is done through the prism of respecting another human being and the Torah's instruction, it is taken care of through the proper channels – with a divorce document that frees both people to move on with their lives.

           

An even better option, however, when divorce isn't absolutely necessary, is for people to view their marriage as sacrosanct, and to work very hard to do what is possible to raise the other person up. People who view their responsibilities in marriage as givers and supporters, rather than as takers and selfish individuals, have a much better chance of living out the blessing of the mitzvah here: "He can not send her away for the rest of his life" because he loves her so much and treats her so well, he cannot imagine a life without her as the center of his universe.

It Starts With LOVE

Parshat Eikev

by Rabbi Avi Billet

"If you listen to God, He will keep his covenant with you. He will love you, He will bless you, etc." (7:13)

And what does He want of you? "To walk in His ways, to love Him, and to serve" Him. (10:12)

After all, "God desired to love your forefathers, and He chose their children" (10:15) to be His nation, to whom He gave His Torah and has asked of them filial devotion.

He models this kind of love through "loving the stranger" (10:18), an expectation He commands and demands of you as well (10:19)

In the Shma we are famously instructed to love God (6:5), and that exhortation is repeated in 11:1, as a condition to receiving rain and good tidings in the land (11:13 – in "V'haya Im Shamoa"), and as a condition to inheriting the land from those who no longer deserve to be its inhabitants (11:22).

One can argue that a theme of the parsha is all about love. Sometimes love is natural, as in God's love for our forefathers and for the stranger; sometimes it is commanded, as in our love for God and our love for strangers.

Coinciding with the command to love God is a command to revere God. The Shma is preceded by "Fulfill the commandments so you may revere your God…" (6:2), and is followed by "Revere and serve your God" (6:13); and in our parsha, the instruction quoted above in 10:12 of what God wants of you actually begins with "to revere Hashem your God".

In Vayikra 19:14,32 and Vaikra 25:17,36,43 we see a number of "You must revere your God" instructions as well.

Essentially, these two themes, loving and fearing God, are counted as two separate commandments. The Sefer HaChinukh lists them as commandments 418 and 432 respectively, while Maimonides has them as positive commandments numbers 3 and 4.

Now that we are a little over a week away from the month of Elul, it is an appropriate time to revisit these commandments to understand how we can best go about fulfilling them.

Sefer HaChinukh suggests a person can't fulfill commandments properly without loving God. If our attitude is such that every deed we undertake as part of our religious experience is fulfilled under the premise that we are doing this for love of God, the act is elevated and becomes more real. This is why the Shma reminds us that these words must be on our hearts all day and every day, and we must review them in our heart and soul.

Revering God, on the other hand, manifests itself in a person who guards oneself from sin on account of fear of punishment and retribution.

Maimonides goes about explaining the two commandments slightly differently. He compares loving God to how a person relates to a person one admires greatly. "When you love someone, you pay attention to the person, you praise the person, and you want others to love your friend as well." You introduce your friend to everyone. Wouldn't it be amazing if we were able to communicate this about God?

The greatest example of this was our forefather Avraham whose existence dripped with his love of God. He is credited with bringing people close to  monotheism through simply being an exemplary character, with a stellar reputation, who just modeled his love for his God on a very consistent basis.

Fearing God is not just about being scared, or fearful of punishment. It is about a higher level of respect, including not taking or using God's name in vain.

These commandments are hard to take on in practical terms. How does one apply love or reverence to a being we can not see, to which we cannot relate in our o-so-humanly needy way?

Through example. We know how to love our parents. We know how to love our children. We must view our love of God in such a way.

God's modeling of love of the stranger is helpful as well. Whether the "stranger" is a convert or someone who has chosen to live amongst the Jewish people, the life choice that causes one to give up everything to cling to the Jewish people is so beloved to God, that His love effuses to that person in a way which is humbling to the rest of us. How could we ever mistreat or stigmatize someone who has, by choice, joined our people, who God Himself loves unconditionally?

And finally, as Rabbi Chanina suggests in the Gemara (BRachot 33b), even reverence of God is something which is not as challenging as we thought. When Moshe introduces it in our parsha, Moshe says, "What does God 'ask' of you?" Not what does God demand or command, but what does God ask.

One can suggest that the reverence of God begins as a choice we make – because the command is more frightening and stifling. But if we build up our love of God, through the model of our relatives and the model of the stranger, hopefully we will come to revere God in the way the Torah otherwise instructs.

It starts with love. The rest will naturally flow from that source.

Holiest and THE Holy of Holies

Parshat Ki Tisa 

by Rabbi Avi Billet

The term "Kodesh Kodashim" appears in the Torah 18 times – twice in Parshat Ki Tisa. However, not one of these times does it refer to the Holy of Holies, the section of the Mishkan/Tabernacle which houses the Aron/Ark.

           

The "Holy of Holies," as it were, is called "Kodash HaKodashim," with the letter "heh" defining the definite article as being "THE" Holy of Holies – the room designated as the holiest place in the world.

            

In addition to the 18 Torah references, "Kodesh Kodashim" appears 5 more times in the Bible. The phrase referring to the back room of the Mishkan appears 9 times, thrice in the Torah and four times in Divrei HaYamim (Chronicles).

            

Referencing Rabbi Akiva as the source, the Midrash describes the book of Shir HaShirim (Song of Songs) as being "Kodesh Kodashim," the holiest of the books of the Bible(Shir Hashirim Rabba 1, Medrash Tanchuma Tetzaveh 5, etc)

            

The difference between the Holy of Holies (Kodesh HaKodashim) and the holiest of things (Kodesh Kodashim) is literally one letter "heh" in the Hebrew. How could the same term be applied twice, meaning different things, with only one letter distinguishing between them?

            

The truth is, this concept is not foreign to us. There are bosses, and there is The Boss. There are Avot (ancestors), and there are The Avot (the Forefathers). There are gods, and there is The One and Only God. The list goes on.

            

Is there a common theme to all of the things described as "Kodesh Kodashim" (the holiest of things) in the Torah?

            

The simple answer is yes, as almost everything described as being the holiest of things are part of the Mishkan. Sometimes it refers to the large Mizebach (altar) where animal sacrifices were burned (Shmot 29:37; 40:10). Sometimes it refers to the inner Mizbeach, where spices were burned (30:10,36).

At times the "holiest of things" refers all the vessels of the Mishkan (one reading of Shmot 30:29), the Lechem HaPanim (showbread) that was placed on the Shulchan (Table) in the Mishkan (Vayikra 24:9), or the fire representing the sacrificial order associated with the Mizbeach (Bamidbar 18:9).

In the book of Vayikra the holiest of things is the term used to describe Mincha offerings, a Sin offering, the Asham offering (mostly in chapters 6, 7 and 10).

The only other reference in the Torah is to the concept of a Cherem – items which are essentially consecrated to the Mishkan or to God (Vayikra 27:28) when they are excluded from profane use. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch describes this designation as a person taking property given to him by God and returning it to its original owner.

God in turn, as the Talmud (Arachin 29a) points out, has designated this Cherem to the Priests, who may personally use it as unconsecrated items – unless the designator specifically claimed the items for Temple use.

Something which is "Kodesh Kodashim" specifically, however, is "a sacred thing from which other sacred things derive their sanctity." According to Hirsch, everything which is described as Kodesh Kodashim "relates directly to man's actions, to the Torah and to man's relation to it." It is the consecration of actions which is the main foundation and basis of the Sanctuary, as it is the source of the consecration of all of man's other relations.

The Mizbeach plays such a significant role in the consecration of active man. This is why both Mizbechot stand in the center – of the Mishkan itself and the outdoors, respectively – directly opposite the Aron. It constitutes the true center of the area in front of and around the Sanctuary.

In his commentary on Shmot 29:37 Hirsch argues that, "In Judaism, the concept of holiness is inseparably connected with sanctifying. Nothing becomes holy so that holiness should be concentrated in it, while all else is left to the realm of the unsanctified. Everything becomes holy in order to sanctify."

            

In a sense there is an ideal holiness which in unattainable: The Holy of Holies, the Kodesh HaKodashim. But there is also a holiness which is attainable, which is inspired by the ideal, and that is Kodesh Kodashim, a holiness that is largely dependent on actions. Whether it is an action that brings one close to God through the Mizbeach, or one that assigns exclusion from profane use to define its sanctification, it is the person who creates this admirable level of holiness which draws inspiration from the Holy of Holies itself.

            

Our task is to take action: to assign holiness to our endeavors. To make our davening a holy experience. Our learning a holy experience. Our performance of every mitzvah, each into its own unique experience. It will be what elevates our Shabbos to a day of Kedusha, on top of a day in which we exclude the profane.

            

Perhaps we can now understand why Shir HaShirim is referred to by Rabbi Akiva as "Kodesh Kodashim." Shir HaShirim is a love song, some claim an allegory to the love between God and the Jewish people. And love can be quite mundane and physical. But love also has the potential to be holy, to sanctify, and to elevate, and to consecrate man to his beloved, or more poignantly to his God.

            

May we be blessed to achieve that level of love which is Kodesh Kodashim so we may yet merit to once again admire the ultimate holiness that comes from the Holy of Holies, the Kodesh HaKodashim, with the building of the everlasting Temple in Jerusalem.

Growing to Love

This appears in the Jewish Star

Parshat Chayei Sara
by Rabbi Avi Billet
Issue of November 13/ 26 Cheshvan 5770

Take a careful look at Bereishit 24:67. “And Yitzchak brought Rivka to his mother’s tent. He took Rivka, she became his wife, and then he loved her, and then he was comforted over the loss of his mother.”

In modern parlance, we might say “He dated her, he married her, and then he grew to love her.”

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch points out the classic beauty of the ideal Jewish home. “The more she lived as and grew into her role of being his wife, such did his love for her grow.” This, Hirsch argues, is the fundamental ingredient to a successful Jewish marriage. (And, yes, it goes both ways!)

A Jewish home is not built on lustful thoughts and feelings; it is built upon common values and similar approaches to how to live the best Jewish life, sharing an overall gestalt that serves for a harmonious existence. This intellectual and spiritual connection strengthens love, as the couple gives themselves the chance to get to know one another.

Hirsch emphasizes the marked distinction between pre-marital “love,” and the love which comes after the commitment to one another has taken complete effect. It is that commitment which becomes the fuel that drives a person to achieve and to accomplish, and ultimately to make the home a model of respect and caring behavior.

The wedding is not the pinnacle of love. It is the root which allows love to blossom. This is the difference between the Western, romantic notion of love, and love as described in the Torah.The fact that Yitzchak, a forty-year-old man, is only comforted now, three years after his elderly mother’s death, indicates not only the tremendous connection and regard a man can have for his mother, but the tremendous role a wife can play in the life of her husband.

Quoting Onkelos, Ramban explains that the love Yitzchak felt for his wife began because of her righteousness and the straightness of her deeds — things he learned of as they were living together. Could this mean that he loved her because of the things she did? Absolutely.

The Mishnah in Avot (5:16) describes two kinds of love: love which is dependent on something, and love which is dependent on nothing. If love is dependent on something, when that is lost, the love falls apart. The other kind of love never goes away.

The example the Mishnah gives of the love which can fall apart is Amnon and Tamar, two children of King David who had a very disturbing, one-sided relationship. (Samuel II:13) The other kind of love is modeled by David and his best friend, Yonatan, the son of King Shaul. As best friends who shared a vision of how each other could shine, and how they could both become leaders of Israel, all they ever wanted for each other was the very best.

A husband and wife will often begin their marriage out of love of the first kind: egotistical, what he/she can do for me, to make my life better. This is normal. In the initial stages, love based on deeds is the healthiest type of love. How does one love others just because they are there? Love, in a sense, needs to be earned. A person has to work hard to love and to be loved, to do for someone else, to be worthy of being the recipient of someone else’s true (non-lustful) affection.

Love which comes out of infatuation, or a tingly feeling a person gets, is meaningless. It doesn’t take long for that tingly feeling to go away once the excitement becomes routine, unless the love continues to derive strength from other factors. The former and the latter sentiments can best be summarized in this distinction: the difference between “I love you because you are beautiful” and “You are beautiful because I love you.”

Yitzchak is the first person in the Torah who expresses love.

And he does so with thought, with consideration, and most importantly, with time.

Yitzchak teaches us that the ideal state of love in a marriage begins when people do things for one another. This is love which is dependent upon something.

But as the two sides grow together, and create their home in such a way that they think alike, feel alike, believe alike and have common goals, their love will no longer be dependent upon anything. Their love will last till eternity as they live out their lives as the best of friends.