Community Problems - Simple Solution

Parshat Mishpatim 

by Rabbi Avi Billet

Being in touch with the various Jewish media outlets, which include newspapers, online magazines and blogs, one is never at a loss for conversation. Topics that appeal specifically to Jewish interests keep us all on our toes.

 Last week I came across a few items that struck chords, mostly because they are all reminiscent of how Albert Einstein defined insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 The first item: the so called-Shidduch crisis, in which Jewish girls past age 22 are no longer considered a “good catch,” in certain Jewish communities, leading to a “crisis” of thousands of wonderful young women who simply can’t find husbands.

 The second (though this one has a better chance of success with the talented Allison Josephs being the brains behind solution attempts): that people who leave the Orthodoxy of certain right-wing communities often drop all measures of religious life in lieu of finding perhaps a more centrist or even left-leaning halakhic lifestyle as an alternative.

 The third: a study of where Orthodox singles who are engaged in amorous activity fit in the Jewish community.

 The fourth: a viral video of Rabbi Jeremy Stern of the Organization for the Resolution of Agunot (ORA) insisting an 18-year get-withholder leave a maariv minyan at the YU Seforim Sale.

 I believe that all of these are representative of problems which require a simple (though perhaps romantically naïve) solution: Follow what the Torah says!!!!!

 A man whose marriage has ended has a commandment (see Maimonides mitzvah 222, and Sefer HaChinukh 579): write a get (or have it written), and hand it to your wife (Devarim 24:1). Your marriage together is over, demonstrate it through giving her a get and move on with your lives. That any rabbis support get-withholders, for any reason, is shameful. There will sadly be fights over money, property, child-custody. But the chaining of a woman to a non-existent marriage has zero halakhic validity.

 The Torah tells us (Shmot 22:15) “If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed, he must pay a dowry and must marry her.” I don’t want to get into whether this is a punishment, penalty, or responsibility. The Torah does not say a crime has been committed – it tells us that an act has consequences. In the Jewish community, we look at the act of marital intimacy as a sacred connection that binds two people together in marriage. It is a stain on our singles community that society at large has infiltrated values counter to our values, in effect justifying bed-hopping. The Torah says if you went so far, it is time to marry one another.

 I once heard a very experienced rabbi suggest that there is a singles “crisis” because the singles don’t follow the Torah – which says to get married. While the statement is an extremely sweeping generalization, at least with respect to marriage it has much truth in it.

 The marriage commitment is not easy, and many people need help and guidance, even after they take the so-called plunge. There is a world of people who earn a living writing books, speaking, or counseling about how to improve marriage. God bless them. But the fact that people hold off, sometimes for 15 plus years after reaching marriageable age/maturity is a frightening statistic.

 Of course there are people who “aren’t ready” or who “did not find the right person.” There are always exceptions, and there are always explanations. But for a man who is told “It’s not good to be alone,” (Bereshit 2:18) and who has a mitzvah to have children (#1, according to Sefer HaChinukh), there has to be a better way than dating every girl on the Upper West Side without finding one to marry. And it begins with education – towards marriage, commitment, communication – at a younger age.

 I am choosing to address the remaining two items together because they demonstrate that the problems are only getting worse inside a community that digs its hole ever deeper without considering Albert Einstein’s wisdom.

 I promise that the case from our parsha mentioned above did not come about because a shadchan introduced two people. They met on their own. They talked on their own. And the man seduced the woman, leading to his obligation to marry her. And while I certainly believe the act they commit together is only appropriate after chuppah and kiddushin, it is the way they met and communicated which seems to be a much more natural form of leading to marriage.

 A system in which young people are not permitted to meet naturally and without chaperones, in which parents have so much say as to who their marriage-age children can date (without giving any credit or respect to the choices their age 20-something children might make on their own), in which the communication after a date is through a third party always, is not going to lead to people actually building a relationship and working their way – positively – through their differences. Going on five dates in 4 weeks doesn’t mean you’re ready to get married any more than dating someone for 5 years means you’re ready to get married. [Though to the 5-years people, what are you waiting for?]

Being ready for marriage means being ready to commit to a relationship both people will work at through giving to the other, and always putting the other person first. Of course, finding one another attractive, being able to communicate, and being able to have a good time together are important. And so are shared values. But the successful marriage focuses on the relationship building side - because without that, everything else can quickly fade away.

 I believe the dating game example is a microcosm, one minor example, of what causes people who leave the religious community to abandon it altogether. People need to have choices. They need to be made aware that the halakhic system wears many hats, and that there is a place for everyone who respects it within its very wide spectrum. Nothing is only black and white. Grey, with reference to halakha, is a beautiful color.

 May our community be blessed to see the beautiful rainbow that different approaches to serving God within the boundaries of halakha has to offer. As long as we understand that following what the Torah and halakha actually have to say is our baseline (not twisted to meet our pre-conceived ideas, but what it actually says) our community will be in a much better place in dealing with all of these issues.

Shidduch Resumes

Parshat Chayei Sarah

by Rabbi Avi Billet

I've heard it said a number of times that were Yitzchak and Rivkah alive today, there is no way they'd get married.

One can only imagine the report Avraham, "the gadol hador," would receive from his servant, the shadchan (matchmaker), after he interviewed Rivkah for the first time. "Family: Unrepentant idolators (father tried to kill me during our meeting), incorrigible brother; Girl: Very confident, thinks for herself, knows what she wants, a little on the young side."

For Yitzchak, it might read something like this: "Family: Mother dead, Father very old. Very God-fearing. Boy: 40 years old, still lives at home (possibly lives in the Negev), not very talkative, no real-world experience except for the time his father almost offered him as a sacrifice."

Rivkah resembled the very confident women I sometimes read about, who are so intimidating in their self-awareness that they never marry. Some women like this were married before they became what they are – following the advice of my grandmother who believes people should get married younger, before they become too smart for themselves.

To be fair, I know of a few successful, professional, "frum" women who were unable to find spouses (not that they didn't try), who opted to have a child through IVF in their mid to late 30s. This decision comes about after a thought process that includes, "I am not going to give up my chance of having a baby, just because I was unable to find a husband."

I will not pass judgment on either type. All kinds of permutations play into the lives people live and the choices they make (and this applies to men too – except they don't have the opportunity to give birth).

But I think Rivkah's choice to go with Avraham's servant was a coda to a wonderful first impression she gave him. And, in a sense, the timing was perfect for her to go to marry Yitzchak, because as confident and self-aware as she was, she was young enough to recognize that marriage was something she wanted, and that the opportunity she had before her may have been a once-in-a-lifetime chance to leave her surroundings and join what would undoubtedly become a great nation. In 24:49, the servant said if she wouldn't come, he would look elsewhere.

In Rivkah's case, the situation played out poetically. Avraham's servant felt that after her father and brother said "This is from God" (24:50) it was a done deal. All he needed to do was go. And so he was a bit surprised at the hesitation on the part of her family when he begged permission to leave with Rivkah.

Her brother and mother replied, '[At least] let the girl remain with us for another year or ten [months]. Then she can go.' (24:55)

He persisted that he must be on his way.

They replied "Let's call the girl and ask her personally." They summoned Rivkah and said to her, 'Do you want to go with this man?' 'I will go,' she replied. (24:57-58)

The implications of these comments are compelling.

The Alshikh claims they only agreed to let her go because they assumed they would be rewarded handsomely. As soon as they were merely given "migdanot" (mere gifts, or fruits), they tried their delay tactics. They didn't say "You can take her." They said "She'll go" (24:51) – implying "When she's ready, but not with you." They tried to demean him by asking Rivkah "Will you go with this man" as if he's a man undeserving of respect.

The Ta"Z adds that they were asking in a pejorative manner "Do you really want to go with this guy?" to suggest a wonder over how she might even entertain the notion. Had they been asking her opinion, they would have added the words "Im lo" (or not) as if presenting both sides of the question. Her answering "I will go" implies that she was going of her own accord, even if they did not want her to go – as Rashi suggsted.

Rashbam says they tried to suggest to her to wait a while in case a different man may come along to capture her attention. Radak posits they were even trying to be on the up-and-up when they offered to ask her in front of the servant, "…Lest you think we convinced her to stay without allowing her to share her own feelings," because they thought she wouldn't go.

Rivkah proved that one's actions and feelings and personal accomplishments are more important than any question of pedigree and "yichus."

Every couple has the right to choose how they want to live their Jewish lives, and personal journeys can play as much of a role in determining what that will look like as does their upbringing. Rivkah's qualities and personality were a good counter to the more passive Yitzchak, and served her son Yaakov well for his own dealings with Eisav and Lavan.

If my grandmother is right about young people, then I am glad Rivkah met Yitzchak at the young age she did, because had she waited… who knows if Yitzchak would have been good enough for her?

The Kallah and the Shver

This can also be read in the Jewish Star (check out their new layout!)

Parshat Miketz

by Rabbi Avi Billet

Shortly after Yosef is given his new title, he is introduced to his new wife – Asenath bat Poti Phera, the priest of On. Paroh, King of Egypt was the shadchan.

As Yosef was not really given a chance to polish up his own shidduch resume (though "Viceroy" is pretty good "yichus"), or to check out his bride's before they wed, we may wonder what brought these two people together, other than their illustrious matchmaker? And who is this two-named individual (Poti Phera – see Sofrim 5:12, Yerushalmi Megillah Chapter 1, 1:9) who now becomes the father-in-law of the new viceroy of Egypt?

The classic interpretation is that Poti Phera is Potiphar, Yosef's former master. Midrash Rabba (86:3) says the word "Phera" means he pulled himself towards pagan idolatry. The gemara (Sotah 13b) says Potiphar's name was changed because he had become emasculated ("Phera" means his masculinity had been "removed," a divine punishment he received for having eyes for Yosef). Most commentaries follow the latter interpretation, quoting Rashi who takes the lead in this direction.

An Important Issue - Quick Marriages and Divorces

Last week an article I wrote about what I call the "post-shidduch crisis" appeared in The Jewish Star. It made its way to the vosizneias.com, where it created a bit of a splash.

It made it to Gil Student's hit list on his blog - hirhurim.blogspot.com - one of the Thursday links.

Here is the article - please feel free to comment below...

Opinion: The Post-Shidduch Crisis

By Rabbi Avi Billet

Issue of October 30th/ 12 Cheshvan 5770

Our community has a lot to say about the “shidduch crisis.” First, we blame the singles themselves. Why can’t young people date like we did? Why can’t they meet people in normal ways? Why can’t they have social functions like we had? Why can’t they get over their hang-ups of dating one person at a time? Why do they have to be so picky? Maybe they don’t really want to get married, because if they did, they would.

Then we blame their teachers. Why don’t the rebbeim do something about it? Why do they teach the boys that girls are taboo until it’s time to get married? Why are girls prohibited from talking to boys because of a stigma?

Then we blame halacha (Jewish law). It’s because they can’t be normal teenagers or adults – they don’t hold hands (plenty do anyway — that’s for a different discussion). What’s the big deal about a casual hug or impersonal kiss? Modesty shmodesty — they’re going to share a bedroom once they’re married, so why the need to dress modestly now?

Then we blame the culture we’ve created. Ridiculous background checks that put FBI and El-Al security to shame. Measuring tapes to check lengths of skirts, sleeves, and hat-brims. How classy are the “mechutanim”? (What does any of this have to do with whether the dating couple will honor, respect and care for each other in what will hopefully be a long marriage?)

It’s been said before that people get more excited about, and put way more hours into, preparing what will be a five-hour wedding than what should be, in good health, a fifty-plus years marriage.

Which leads to a newer, more serious crisis: the post-shidduch “very short marriage” crisis.

One of my professors in Yeshiva University would quip that college students got engaged so they could tell their friends “I’m engaged.” He’d say, “You people don’t know anything about love and romance. And you’re all too young to get married.”

Based only on informal polling, I would bet most people would probably prefer to experience or witness a broken engagement than a divorce. One of the last statements in Tractate Gittin (90b) is Rabbi Elazar’s comment that when a divorce takes place, even the mizbeach (altar) sheds tears.

At one point a couple of years ago, I personally knew of five marriages and divorces between the same couples that had taken place over a period of ten months. It is sad to think that all the joy, optimism and hope that took place at the wedding resulted in misunderstandings, disrespect (in some cases), and shattered dreams.

Unquestionably, men and women go into marriages with different expectations. Men and women have different needs spiritually, emotionally, and physically. They each bring different strengths to a marriage. But they each need to know in advance that not only is the marriage a partnership, but it is also a team. Sometimes you need to sacrifice yourself so the other person can shine. But the sacrifice helps the team win.

What is lost in communication pre-marriage? In all the hours dating and talking and sharing dreams, what is missed? How does the “love love love” feeling drastically switch (in such a short time) to “divorce”? Could it be we are not teaching ourselves that problems can come up and we need to deal with them? Could it be our eyes are so glazed over at the thought and process of preparing for that walk down the aisle we forget that five hours after the procession there’s a life to live together? And we need to prepare for that?

In America, it’s been said that “Marriage as an institution is a failure.” (To a similar statement, Groucho Marx said “And who wants to live in an institution?”) But it doesn’t have to be. It can be stressful, at times, and it requires work all the time. And that is why the married couple is a team. When a team works together and communicates, they can succeed. If each player is only worried about his or her own stats, the team has no chance.

Communication is hard at first. How does one give up being single, independent, making your own decisions, and replace that with having to think of another person? How does one communicate intimate, private thoughts about very personal dilemmas that one has never shared with anyone before? It sometimes takes time to really get to know and trust one’s spouse.

People who have never lived together do not really know each other until they have lived together for some time. I heard a great speaker talk about love and marriage and he declared, “Knowing what I know about love now [after 25 years of marriage] I would venture to say I did not love my wife when we got married.” But they grew together and built a wonderful marriage together.

There are a number of very traumatic events in a person’s life that can have a negative impact on one’s psyche and lead to symptoms of depression. They include: getting married, birth of a baby, moving, starting a new job, getting fired, divorcing, death of a close loved one. Marriage and moving usually take place at the same time, and if the wife or husband is from “out of town,” the move can be even more traumatic. The two people need to be there for each other, to trust each other, to share with each other, validate feelings, work together, see a marriage counselor if necessary, and work through kinks. The first few miles of any new road can be bumpy, but that doesn’t mean it’s an altogether bad road.

This is not to say that mistakes don’t happen. Some things creep up and come out in a way a person might never know until a man and woman share a roof. In some cases, there can be no reparation and the two parties will really have a miserable marriage if they stay together. This is why the Torah describes a method of divorce, why an entire tractate of the Talmud is dedicated to the topic, and why a complete section of the Shulchan Arukh is devoted to interpersonal relationships between men and women in the context of marriage and divorce. It is certainly hard to know the future. But divorce after a four-month marriage shouldn’t always be the answer to what seem to be, after such a short time, irreconcilable differences.

The mizbeach would like to stop crying.