Partners in Creation (and Infertility)

For those who struggle with infertility, the battle is one which is often waged in private, with very little support from family or friends, unless a choice is made to share the information. I don't think it is anyone's place to impose their advice or opinions (or to say such insensitive things like "So when are you guys going to have a baby?"), unless said advice or opinions are sought by those who struggle. While I certainly don't have answers beyond doing research, preparing the body with the proper nutrition and vitamins, and seeking out the best medical help possible, here is a religious approach that suggests there is more to what meets the eye than medical charts. 

Parshat Tazria

by Rabbi Avi Billet

 Last week I quoted the Midrash Aggadah on “Yom HaShmini” who raised the possibility that one of the interpretations of Kohelet 11:2 which speaks of seven becoming eight, is that of Rabbi Yehuda bar Simone who said that "Seven" refers to the days of the Niddah period. If the laws of Niddah are followed (7), the Midrash suggests in the name of God, a child will be born who will be circumcised on the 8th day.

 Sounds like a pretty good guarantee.

 In another passage in the Midrash Aggadah on our parsha, we are reminded of how there are three partners in the creation of a human being: the father, the mother and God. This notion comes from the Talmud (Kiddushin 30b, Niddah 31a), and many homiletical teachings emerge from it.

 But perhaps the most profound thought, certainly one that crosses the mind of God-fearing parents when their children are born, is how clearly one can understand that God is in this world when one observes a newborn.

 Of course the initial passage above is a nice thought. But there are plenty of people who observe these laws meticulously and still struggle with infertility (as well as those who don't follow them, who have no problems). If only such a guarantee came with a warranty.

 Alas, as everyone knows, it’s not always so simple.

 In his Toldot Yitzchak, Rabbi Yitzchak Caro utilized a Talmudic teaching to explain how an expectant parent must pray for the fertilization to take root in the first three days, from day 3 to day 40 pray for a male child, from day 40 to the end of the first trimester pray that it shouldn’t be a miscarriage, from 3 months to 6 months pray that it should not be a stillborn, from 6 months pray that it should be born in peace.

 If so, he concludes, it seems that the health of the child and success of the pregnancy is dependent on prayer much more than on nature.

 With regard to the praying for a “male” child – well, this passage is on the segment that says “When a woman conceives and gives birth to a male.” (For those who like “The Godfather,” think of the blessing Luca Brasi gave Don Corleone at the Godfather’s daughter’s wedding.) [Of course there are people who "want" to have a boy. There are also people who "want" to have a girl. Most people are happy to have a child and gender does not matter.]

 Otherwise, the passage speaks for itself about prayer’s role in all of this.

 When I was in his class, Rabbi Moshe Tendler would often tell us that there are so many possible genetic mutations that could take place in the development of a fetus, it is a miracle that anyone is born without some kind of problem. Baruch Hashem.

In our world of science and rationalism, we tend to aim to find explanations for why things go right, and even moreso for when things go wrong.

 But maybe, just maybe, we don’t have all the answers because some causes and cases go beyond the realm of the natural world. An unhealthy woman gives birth to a completely healthy and normal baby. A healthy woman can’t carry a baby to term. What’s wrong with this picture?

 I don’t have the answers. But the Toldot Yitzchak did offer a suggestion, which I believe is only highlighted due to Rabbi Tendler’s insight about genetics. There is a need for prayer that goes far beyond our understanding, and enters the realm of the cosmos in terms of where it sits, lies and waits, and then returns to influence the world.

 Are following the laws of Niddah and committing to prayer guarantees that a child will be born, and in good health? Of course not. But as the old Jewish joke goes: a performer in a live show has a heart attack and dies on stage. As the stage manager comes out to give mouth-to-mouth, a woman in the audience yells out “Give him an enema! Give him an enema!” She is told, “This man is dead. An enema won’t help.” “Well, it wouldn’t hurt!”

While the punchline of the joke, "It can't hurt" is more than likely true with respect to prayer and Niddah observance, the other side of it, "That maybe it can really help" is certainly not worth dropping at the wayside.

 Let those who are struggling to have that child find fulfillment in a more dedicated commitment to the laws of Niddah and to prayer. Especially praying for someone else who has similar needs . Who knows? Maybe sooner than later, prayers will be answered.

 Amen. May it only be so for all of us.

Shelo Asani Ishah and Others [Part 2]

Part I on this topic can be found here

At a bris I did recently, the baby's grandfather said to me, "What blessing does a girl say at a bris?"

I didn't know.

"Shelo asani BOY." (for not having made me a boy)

Cute joke. [If you don't get the joke, you can see the explanation here, which will lead you back to this page]

But it got me thinking, once again, about the morning blessings, and that o-so controversial blessing of "Shelo Asani Ishah" – for not having made me a woman. I've written about this blessing before – and in response to this article, I penned a letter which the Jewish Week actually published in their print edition, but which has somehow since disappeared from their website

To the Editor:

In general, blessings are more “acknowledgement” than “thanks.” As such, you need not feel guilt or speak silently when you state, point of fact, that God did not make you a woman. Women recite a parallel blessing acknowledging God for “having made me according to His will.”

If I were to make something "according to my will," the object I would make would be the absolute best, the most perfect, without flaw and error. One of the reasons suggested for why women do not need to be circumcised, an act which finally made Abraham perfect and “Tamim” - complete (Genesis 17:1), is because they are born physically perfect and complete. (Obviously, with all the flaws that “all” humans have.)

Think of what you are saying this way:

"God, you did not make me a woman. You made me something else, and there are all kinds of things that I need to do to overcome desires and to correct and improve myself. Sometimes I need commandments to help me do this. I need to pray harder and I need to work harder because spirituality and a connection to You does not come as easily as it does to a woman. This is hard. This is rough. But this is the way You made it. And so I bless You, for Your eternal wisdom.”

Now who has a better blessing?

Avi Billet

A simple Google search brought me to this posting - which is well worth the read. The author addresses a suggestion of a left-leaning Orthodox rabbi who suggests changing the siddur to less controversial language, as it were. Read, and decide for yourself.

Here is my new thought on the matter – which may be extremely farfetched, but hopefully you can't deny its creativity.

Brachos 60b

When one looks at the morning blessings, it is clear that they all share a commonality related to one's morning experience and routine upon waking up. They all begin "blessed are You, Hashem, King of the world, who..."

* Gives the rooster (some translate as "brain") the understanding to determine between day and night

* Did not make me a "goy" (part of a different nation)

* Did not make me an "eved" (generally translated as "slave" - one subject to a human master)

* Did not make me a woman

* Opens the eyes of the blind

* Clothes the naked

* Frees the bound

* Straightens the crooked

* Spreads the earth upon the waters

* Provided me all my needs

* Firms man's footsteps

* Girds Israel with strength

* Crowns Israel with splendor

* Gives strength to the weary

* Removes sleep from my eyes and slumber from my eyelids

Then we call upon the God of our forefathers to help us have a good day, without too much trouble or challenge and to bestow kindness upon us. We conclude with a prayer that asks for us to be rescued from evil or mishap, whether it come from someone who is a member of the covenant or not a member of the covenant.

The Talmud in Brachot (60b) explains that many of these blessings are meant to be said in the context of one going through one's morning rituals.

When morning comes "Who gives the rooster (or brain) knowledge to differentiate between day and night." When you actually open your eyes "Opens the eyes of the blind." When you begin to get up "Frees the bound." When you stand up and stretch, "Straightens the crooked." When you put your feet on the ground/earth "Spreads earth upon the waters" – for making there be land for me to stand on, as opposed to living in the sea. When you get dressed "Clothes the naked." When you walk "Firms man's footsteps." When you put on your shoes "He provided me all my needs." When fastening one's belt "Girds Israel with strength." When you put on your hat or head covering "Crowns Israel with splendor." When washing the face "Removes sleep from my eyes and slumber from my eyelids."

It is noted, of course, that the three blessings whose gist begins "Shelo asani" – for not having made me "x" – are not discussed in this Talmudic passage. They are addressed separately in Menachos 43b.

Menachos 43b

In Menachos, there is a debate as to the language of the blessings. As what we have in the siddur is the most mainstream, it is fairly obvious which approach became normative.

The gemara debates the merits of the blessings and essentially feels we ought to say all three to help us say 100 blessings in a day (different discussion). If we start questioning some of the blessings, we'll start removing some of them and lower the number of blessings we have the opportunity to say.

One of the main points the gemara seems to draw from the simple wording in the negative "For not having made me a gentile, slave, or woman" is that this refers to levels of obligation in mitzvos. I've already discussed this point in my original posting (also linked to above).

Another main point is that when we bless God "for not having made me 'x'" we are saying "'X' is a good thing. I am not 'x' and so I bless God." [Remember that the Gemara in Brachos continues with the passage about "A person's obligation to bless God for the bad just as one blesses God for the good." Admittedly, the gemara speaks of the blessing "Dayan Ha'emes" - which is the blessing one says upon hearing bad news, such as of someone's passing. Nonetheless, the principle is still true.]

Is it good to be a gentile? If one is a gentile, yes.

Is it good to be a slave? If one is treated well by one's master – there are merits. You never have to worry about your home (rent, mortgage, keeping a roof over your head), expenses, finding a wife, how many children you will or won't have.

Is it good to be a woman? Ask most women, they wouldn't give it up for the world.

I'll make an admission – there are times when I "thank" God, not just acknowledge God, for not having made me a gentile, slave or woman. This usually happens when they do something I could never envision myself doing or wanting to do – and I thank God that I am not that way. Not that there's anything particularly wrong with it – but it is something I could never see myself wanting to be part of my life. "Thank God I am not that." (I can't imagine not being ready to go somewhere unless I've put on makeup, for example. I can also not imagine living in a culture where people might say "I don't trust a man who won't drink with me.")

The gemara in Menachos doesn't go into more detail as to why we say these blessings or when we say them.

Which brings me to the creative idea which was inspired by the joke.

Creative Thinking 101

In the context in which all the blessings appear, we are looking at the things a person experiences in the morning. The gemara in Brachos does not explain the "Shelo Asani" trilogy, but since our siddur lumps them into the other blessings, I think it is fair to suggest they also refer to one's observations of one's morning routine.

And I think we can suggest that all three blessings are a certain acknowledgement regarding bris milah (circumcision), which might be otherwise inappropriate to discuss in the gemara. But, at least for a man, it is a significant component of what he confronts in his morning routine.

We do have a blessing of "asher yatzar" [see also this cool poster] which is to be recited after one relieves oneself in the restroom. But these blessings ("Shelo Asani"s) are acknowledgment before appreciation that my body functions appropriately.

And they are listed in the negative because as much as I enjoy mitzvahs, I recognize that circumcision is a mitzvah that I might otherwise prefer not to have gone through – because honestly… - but I do it because You commanded me to do so.

New Explanations

Shelo Asani Goy – I acknowledge that You did not make me a gentile who does not have this mitzvah of bris milah (circumcision). Implication – I acknowledge my lot to have such a mitzvah and I am grateful for it.

Shelo Asani Aved – According to the Torah, even a slave is circumcised. But he is circumcised when he is acquired, which could be as an adult. Implication – If I am to be circumcised, I am grateful that this didn't happen the way it does to slaves, ie as adults. As a newborn, I don't remember it, I didn't feel all that much, and I had twenty four hour care from a mother who saw to my every need.

Shelo Asani Ishah – A woman, for obvious reasons is not circumcised. As a rebbe of mine said to my oldest child, a girl, when he first met her when she was a baby, "You are so lucky your father never did anything to you," or as the joke says "Shelo Asani Boy." I acknowledge that, not being a woman, I am subject to this surgical foreskin removal. Would I have necessarily wanted it, had they asked me when I was a baby? Who knows? But I acknowledge that you didn't make me a woman - over whom, thank God, there isn't even a possibility. In my male Jewish life, there was no option. I was going to be circumcised, and I am circumcised. I merit to bear this mark of the covenant.

The reason we don't say "She'asani Ish" [for having made me a man] therefore, is because we don't "Acknowledge" or "Thank" God for putting us through a painful procedure. We acknowledge for not having made it otherwise. [A point to consider, as proof, is that on the day of a bris we don't say tachanun, in celebration of the mitzvah which is being performed. But unlike other days when tachanun is omitted, we still say "Lam'natzay'ach" which acknowledges a "day of pain" (yom tzarah), which is what the baby is experiencing. See this discussion about the יהי רצוןs on a Torah reading day]

Finally, this explains very nicely why a woman's blessing is "She'asani Kirtzono" - for having made me according to His will. Abraham was told by God in Genesis 17 "Walk before me and become perfect." Most interpretations say that Abraham became perfect through undergoing his circumcision. Translation – woman, as a physical specimen, is created perfect and need not undergo any corrective surgery to "perfect" herself in God's eyes.

The more I think of it, the more I am convinced the women got a much better blessing.

If we could only stop thinking the rabbis were out to get us, we could move on with our lives and be so much happier.

Another interesting suggestion can be found here (link goes to myjewishlearning.com)

The Eighth Day

This article appears in the Jewish Star

Parshat Emor

“A newborn ox, lamb or goat remains with its mother for seven days. Then, after the eighth day, it shall be acceptable as sacrifice for a fire offering to G-d.” (Vayikra 22:27) A similar verse in Shmot 22:29 says that “on the eighth day, you shall give it to me.”

The difference is that the Shmot passage refers to setting the animal aside for G-d, while our verse refers to the actual offering of the animal. (Chizkuni)

What is the significance of the eighth day that changes the baby animal from being unacceptable to being acceptable to G-d?

Ibn Ezra compares the animal’s eighth day of life (the day of “m’ruba,” when a quarter-month has passed) to that of a human baby – just as the baby may now be circumcised so may an animal be brought as an offering.

In a lengthy exposition of this verse, Targum Yonatan explains the significance of the quarter-month in that a seven day waiting period proves the animal’s viability as it assures us the animal is not a “nefel” – the halakhic category of a stillborn, which would obviously be unfit to be a korban. (Rabbi Shimon Ben Gamliel – Shabbat 135b. For a human, the “nefel” status is removed at thirty days.)

As a mohel, one Torah thought I hear a lot at brisses is that the eighth day is “l’maalah min hateva” – above nature, or supernatural. Through circumcision, we elevate ourselves and our bodies to G-d, by removing something natural to help attain a spiritual level previously unreachable.

But some of the commentaries have different thoughts on the subject.

Chizkuni notes how a Zav, metzora and one who comes in contact with a corpse come out of their tumah (spiritual impurity) on the eighth day – the day after a seven-day waiting period.

Baal Haturim examines how each day of beginning of the animal’s life parallels the days of creation. One who sacrifices an animal on its first day will be viewed as sacrificing to the heavens and earth (created on the first day), on the fourth day as if to the luminaries, etc. The animal must experience its seventh day (parallel to Shabbos) for the one sacrificing it to remember that G-d created the world, and that it is to Him that we are sacrificing on the eighth day.

Whether outside of nature, a new life post-removal from the camp, or a reminder that, first and foremost, G-d created the world in seven days, we can begin to understand how the animal’s status is changed on day eight when it is finally worthy to be a korban – an offering that helps a person come closer to G-d.

In the first mishnah of Avot 4, ben Zoma reminds us of the verse in Tehillim 119:99 which says “Mikol m’lamdai hiskalti.” We can learn from any one who teaches us and should accept the truth from whatever source it may come.

In Thornton Wilder’s novel “The Eighth Day,” a character describes his generation at the turning of the 20th century as the Eighth Day. “Man is not an end, but a beginning. We are at the beginning of the second week. We are children of the eighth day.” In other words, the eighth day represents progress. It is when G-d’s initial input into the world is set, and humans take a stab at what their G-d-given gifts can create, what they can invent, what they can put together to foment advancement in civilization.

We can look at all that is natural and supernatural in the world, and it is very easy for us to fall back on it all and say, “It’s all G-d. It’s always been G-d. It will always be G-d. There is nothing else.”

But we are on this earth for a purpose, and our first job is to discover that purpose. If G-d created the world in six days and rested on the seventh, we are meant to emulate Him through our own creativity for six days, as we too rest on the seventh. But the progress of human development and creativity begins on the eighth day. It is the day when we take action, when we perfect the world under G-d through the actions we take to get closer to him.

When we circumcise our sons, when we take the animal that is now over a week old, we take action and turn a being that has not yet accomplished much to a point of spiritual fullness that could not have been accomplished without our input. This is the turning point of the eighth day, a day of action and a day that looks toward a brighter tomorrow.