Parshat Acharei Mot
by Rabbi Avi Billet
Both this and next week’s parshas, which are sometimes read together (though never in a leap year) both contain the rules of forbidden relationships – seemingly repeated. The first list (in chapter 18) lists what is forbidden, while the second list (in chapter 20) includes the repercussions for those who violate that which is forbidden in this realm. One of the forbidden relationships is adultery, which is also one of the Aseres Hadibros (Ten Commandments).
Adultery is a strange word, because the action – being unfaithful, lying – is un-adult-like behavior, especially since a dictionary definition of adult is “having attained full size and strength; grown up; mature.”
Apparently, though adult and adultery may sound the same in English, they come from entirely different sources: “Adult” comes from the Latin verb adolescere, “to grow up, mature.” “Adultery,” on the other hand, derives from a French word, avoutre, which in turn evolved from a distinct Latin verb, adulterare, “to corrupt.” The verb adulterate, “to debase or make impure by adding inferior materials or elements,” stems from the same source.
One disclaimer: Being an adult, and being grown up and mature does not mean that a person can’t have a good time and enjoy life. On the contrary, the phrase “do what you can to stay young” or “you’re only as old as you think you are” should be a blessing we should all enjoy until our final days, as I’ll illustrate with this story:
Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik (as I heard it) was playing on the floor with his grandchildren, and he’s exhausted and out-of-breath, while the kids have boundless energy. And someone noted how one day the kids will grow up, mature, and calm down.
And Rav Chaim said, No. They’re not the problem. Really we should all have so much energy and be uninhibited about doing things that our mind and body tells us we can’t or shouldn’t be doing. But in our adulthood we become boring, and we just let lethargy take over.
The balance between having an appropriate good time and going too far is surely one an adult can manage, hopefully with not too much thought needed.
In a different realm of adult behavior – judging others – we are taught in the first chapter of Avot (1:8) a teaching of Yehuda ben Tabai - וכשיהיו בעלי דינים עומדים לפניך יהיו בעיניך כרשעים וכשנפטרים מלפניך יהיו בעיניך כזכאין כשקבלו עליהם את הדין:
To present this slightly differently, with the onus on the judge AND litigants, a sign of maturity is accepting a judgment, moving on, not harboring ill-will towards the judge or the other litigant, even if you are right and the judge and the other baal din are wrong (in your eyes). Financial disputes are hard to get over. Everyone involved thinks they are right. With smaller amounts, there might be some people who just want to be heard, and they are willing to forego the money, because “it’s not about the money.” Some people want “blood,” and won’t make a single concession or look for compromise.
The mature person sees we’re dealing with another human being. And hopefully, both can come to a resolution in a mature fashion – in a dignified fashion, as befitting adults.
Children are often accused of being selfish – thinking about themselves and not about others. A sign of maturity is looking out for others – of course, one’s family first, but still not thinking only of oneself. Maturity means not needing every honor, not seeking the kavod, but looking to honor others, to put others up, to make others feel good, and to not have a need to be right all the time.
Adults who refuse to acknowledge others’ existence are immature. There was a dispute? Can’t move past it? Can’t wish someone a good Shabbos? Accept someone else’s good Shabbos greeting? Can’t say good morning? Good evening? Or be the gracious recipient of such a greeting? It is a sign of immaturity. Can’t say someone’s name? That was the acknowledged concern Yaakov Avinu had when Yosef’s brothers said to him “Do you recognize this? Isn’t it your son’s coat?” They couldn’t even say “Yosef’s” coat – causing Yaakov to say “Yosef has been torn up” because the brothers couldn’t even say his name.
There is such a thing as taking the high road and being the bigger person. And there is such a thing as being immature about taking the high road, such as when talking about it and telling others how much how high on the high road one is. It’s usually an opening to speak lashon hora – which is putting someone else down to put one’s self up.
“But I want everyone to know how much of a tsaddik I am because of what I’ve been through! And the way I WAS a mevater, and the way I WASN’T vindictive!” [Never mind that lashon hora is vindictive!]
That can easily be conveyed through personal refinement in middos sans lashon hora, such as when we are kind, and sensitive, and good listeners, good friends, looking out for others, showing genuine concern for others. Rambam writes thus in the fifth chapter of Hilchos Yesodei HaTorah (5:11) Best is to not develop a reputation as a hard-nose, stubborn, unmovable, difficult person to talk to and deal with about things.
A hard test, for those who would truly like to improve, is to ask a very close friend – not a spouse or a family member, but a good friend – in what way do my friends or acquaintances think I’m unapproachable? What do they say about me when I’m not around, though they love me as they do?
One who is not ready to hear the answer should not ask the question. But a person who is mature should be able to take the constructive criticism, and should also be able to not shoot the messenger who may have been tasked with an unfair question, but was looking to be helpful once prompted.
Humor is another example where one’s adultness can shine through. One can have a wonderful sense of humor, as long as one also has a filter and knows when to use the filter. If it is not the right time and place for the comedy or funny line, it shouldn’t be said or displayed. A comedy club has a different set of rules than the real world with real people. (Perhaps we each have an individual or two with whom we can share the funny things we come across on the Internet – that is a filter as well.)
It is one thing to joke with friends, to joke with people, to share a light comment, to tell jokes, to make people smile, to ease tension. There certainly is a time and place for just about everything. But there are people who seem to never take anything seriously, for whom everything is a joke, they never share a comment of sincerity, nor a word of empathy or compassion, seemingly never have a moment of contemplation. This is un-adult-like behavior.
The parsha begins with Yom Kippur. Certainly a message of Yom Kippur is about making adult and mature choices, and not the kinds of choices that reflect immaturity. Consider three examples of how Yom Kippur fits into this theme:
1. There is no atonement on Yom Kippur for sins done between man and man until an apology is given and forgiveness is sought. If the apology is insincere (e.g. strictly a formality), the forgiveness need not be granted. A mature person has regret, takes steps to make amends, demonstrates the regret and the amends and sincerely begs the wronged person for forgiveness.
2. Aharon HaKohen, the key player on Yom Kippur, loved everyone, regardless of anything they may have done. And yet he was the one who brought the Ketores into the Holy of Holies on the holiest day of the year, because he knew how to distinguish between when it is time to build relationships through shmoozing and when it was time to be super serious. The rabbis tell us that Aharon was the antithesis of unfaithfulness because he brought peace between husbands and wives. Maybe they couldn’t communicate. Maybe they were immature and didn’t know how to talk to each other. So many babies were named Aharon – in honor of the man who had reunited husband and wife after a fight and caused a child to be born.
3. One of the Al Chets on Yom Kippur is “for the sin of not taking things seriously.” There are many sins done through different forms of inappropriate speech. And there’s a sin of thinking and acting “as if I am always right” – and making a big deal about my tzidkus, while not seeing that “perhaps sometimes I’m wrong; not reflecting on the way I might hurt people, or turn people off, or how I am unapproachable, or how people say things about me because they know this is how I am. So they lament and I never improve or change or even realize this about myself.” These are things a person needs to ask for forgiveness of God on Yom Kippur, and of man, whenever possible.
Learning about Yom Kippur half-a-year away from Yom Kippur serves as a reminder for us of our own desire to always be improving. We can be unadulteratedly good adults.
May we be blessed to know the right time to be just kidding, and the right ways and times to behave like children in the pursuit of fun and a good time. We may enjoy life(!), but never at the expense of others, and always in the right context. With all our experience, it is better to be humble and look at life through the lens of “I might not be right, and I still have much to learn.” If we are a mentsch with ALL of our encounters – whether being the complimenter, the one with a kind word, the recipient of the same, and the person who is constantly trying to sincerely improve because this is the challenge we are all put on this earth to accomplish, we can fulfill our mission of being נושא חן בעיני א-לקים ואדם – finding favor in the eyes of God and mankind.
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