When Things Are Beyond Our Control

 Parshat Miketz

by Rabbi Avi Billet

Last week it was Eli (Eliyahu) Kay, HYD, killed by a terrorist not far from the Western Wall. This week it was Tate Myre, who along with Madisyn Baldwin and Hanna St. Julian was murdered by a classmate in Michigan. Last Saturday night also brought the news of the passing of a former campmate, Moti Kest of Los Angeles, at the age of 42, of a brain tumor. 

It is hard to navigate all these stories when young people, and in the cases cited exceptional young people are taken from us at the hands of murderers or the hand of God. Do an Internet search on these people, see what those who knew them had to say of their impact in all their relatively short times on this earth. 

 This is not to take away from every loss, no matter the age, which is always difficult for loved ones and those closest to the deceased. But we can all imagine the heartbreak of parents who have to bury their child, as we all know that is not the right order of the world. Which parent wouldn’t give their life in a heartbeat for the guarantee that their child would have a long and happy life? Sadly, such an option isn’t really in our hands to make, nor a choice available to us under the kinds of tragic circumstances noted which are typically out of our control. Tate Myre charged at his killer and saved lives while giving up his own.

The true story of Chanukah and its aftermath, which is a much longer story than a military victory and a miracle of oil, complete with political maneuverings, religious corruption, and Hasmonean dynasty chicanery, is a demonstration of where things can go when people use their power of free choice to make the kinds of moves that history can only look back at and ask “what were you thinking?” 

The story of Yosef in Parshat Miketz is THE classic rags to riches story, the most remarkable tale of turnaround, from slavery to second-in-command in an instant, known to man. Most rises from nothing to positions of influence or star-status are gradual, with a person having a demonstrable record of achievement, even if the person spends years under the radar prior to the rise to gedulah. 

Yosef certainly spent years under the radar, first as a slave in Potiphar’s house and then as a prisoner. In what some might call irony but others might call training, Yosef rose to the highest level possible in both of those places, answering to no one but Potiphar (39:3-6,9) and having freedom of authority in prison under the auspices of the sar Beit haSohar (39:21-23). Undoubtedly, these life experiences not only familiarized him with the Egyptian language, they helped him understand the culture of the average Egyptian and even helped him be quite comfortable communicating with people of position as he clearly found himself in the house of political prisoners at the end of Parshat Vayeshev (chapter 40). 

These experiences made Yosef into the man he became. They allowed him to assert himself before Pharaoh, expressing the need for Pharaoh to find a perfect second-in-command to run things, hinting to his own suitability as the job in question would be simply a much larger scale of what Yosef had done on a smaller scale in Potiphar’s home and in the prison. To Yosef’s credit, through all his experiences he never seems to lose his values (see chapter 39), never really loses his humility (see his deference to the prisoners of chapter 40 and how he speaks to Pharaoh before, during and after interpreting dreams; see also Seforno 42:7 where Yosef’s response to his brothers is described as an anomaly in his normally humble behavior), and gets very emotional about the prospects of reuniting with his family (42:24, 43:30, 45:1-2), even as he needs to see if his brothers have changed from their early impetuous behavior (see chapters 34 and 37). 

How much of Yosef’s experiences were beyond his control? 

There is a well-known teaching attributed to Rabbi Yisrael Salantar, the founder of the Mussar Movement:

 “When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. But I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn’t change my country, I began to focus on my town. However, I discovered that I couldn’t change the town, and so as I grew older, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself.” 

 This is the quote as most often seen. However, I have found some citations continuing the quote “but I’ve come to recognize that if long ago I had started with myself, then I could have made an impact on my family. And, my family and I could have made an impact on our town. And that, in turn, could have changed the nation and we could all indeed have changed the world.” 

The part of Rabbi Salantar’s quote which is in bold above is something that Yosef, and all of the people mentioned in the opening paragraph, realized and actualized. What is in our control is ourselves, and how we go about making the choices and decisions, and the ways in which we navigate our own existence. 

 A simple example: As my children get to the age where the State believes they are competent enough to drive, I tell them (after the many hours of practice and preparation for the license exam), “I trust you. I believe you will do fine. So whatever is in your control is OK with me. BUT you can not control the weather, so drive carefully in the rain. And you can not control other drivers. So be extremely cautious always.” 

Alcoholics Anonymous uses the shortened version of the Serenity Prayer as part of their twelve step program, “God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

While the circumstances for that prayer, at a point post-addiction, may be in a time after a person has arguably lost control, the point of that organization is to help its participants regain control of their lives. Ultimately, as Rabbi Salantar put it, each of us is responsible first-and-foremost to effecting the change most within us to impact: ourselves. 

 The Hasmoneans saw that the Assyrian-Greeks were asserting their own version of control into the lives of the Judeans living in the Holy Land, influencing countless Judeans to assimilate into the pervading culture, and they rose to regain control of their Temple, their lives, their destiny. Drastic circumstances sometimes call for drastic measures. For the purposes of removing their tormentors victory came with the help of Almighty God, a point which was acknowledged through the establishment of Chanukah, when those who had surrendered control to God set in motion a holiday which is still celebrated 2000 years later as a time when circumstances beyond our control were reined in and our people rose yet again. 

The corruption and political sheningans which followed were a result of people forgetting priorities, focusing on their own power and presumed legacy, rather than what is best for the Jewish people going forward. In other words, Rabbi Salantar’s teaching was not part of their lexicon. 

The heroic young people who recently died under different circumstances were certainly aware that some things are beyond our control. But in their lives which will continue to inspire others, they demonstrated that what is in our control, our own choices and abilities, are where we can shine. Y’hi zichram baruch. 

Yosef HaTzaddik didn’t let the things that were beyond his control knock him down. With every punch and every fall he once again rose to the top. All he did was evolve. All he did was change himself. All he did was take every failure as an opportunity to learn and to grow until he reached the pinnacle of a struggled life at age 30 to come before the king, lay everything on the line, and ultimately change and save the world. 

 May we be so blessed to always evolve and change ourselves for the better, for the betterment of ourselves, our families, the nation of Israel, and mankind.