Parshat Vaychi
by Rabbi Avi Billet
For TEAM Shabbos of the National Association of Chevra Kadisha (NASCK) - TEAM stands for Traditional End-of-Life Awareness Movement - it is appropriate to at least once a year give a little thought to the last transition life has to offer us.
And while it is certainly not something any of us look forward to, we are all aware it will happen to us one day. What have we done to prepare for that time?
Let us explore Yaakov’s end-of-life decisions.
The parsha begins noting that Yaakov was 147, and that his life in Egypt was defined by Vaychi. ויהי ימי יעקב שני חייו – the years of Yaakov’s LIFE were 7 and 40 and 100.
There is an idea that the both the word ויחי and חייו – which have the exact same letters – have a numerical (Gematria) equivalent of 34, perhaps indicating that the first 17 years of Yosef’s life – before his sale into slavery, and the last 17 years of Yaakov’s life, when he is reunited with his long-lost beloved Yosef, constitute the best years of his life. They are חייו! Literally what defined the goodness of and in his life!
The first end-of-life decision is that when Yaakov realized that Egypt was to be his last hurrah, the place he was going to die, he made the most of it. If this is going to be where I’m going to live out my life, then I will make roots. I will enjoy life. I will surround myself with community. I will be involved in that community as much as I can. I will spend time with family – either because we’re physically close to each other, or because we’ll make the effort to substitute for quantity of time spent together with quality of time spent together.
Yaakov does a lot of talking. A lot explaining. A lot of blessing-giving. First to Yosef. Then to Yosef in the presence of Ephraim and Menashe, Yosef’s sons who are Yaakov’s grandsons, and finally to all of his sons. There may have been other conversations we are unaware of, such as the one the brothers recount to Yosef after they’ve all returned from burying their father (though it is also possible that they made up that conversation).
The second end-of-life decision is to make sure the family is intact, and they are prepared for what is coming. Yaakov has to explain to Yosef certain life decisions, such as why he had to bury Rachel where he buried her. He needs to explain to Yosef how since reuniting he has come to the exalted decision that Yosef, not Reuven, is the true “bechor” of the family, and that Yosef’s sons are in effect Yaakov’s sons, equal as tribes with Yaakov’s actual sons. He tells ALL of his sons what he thinks of them in past, present and future. He focuses on their strengths, and gives them blessings and wishes that their strengths should be utilized in their own fashion, in the creation of tribes that are not all the same, that don’t all think the same, that don’t all look the same, but are nonetheless united as one family, as one nation under God.
Yaakov makes his own funeral, or at least burial, arrangements. בקברי אשר כריתי לי בארץ כנען שמה תקברני. I dug my own grave, before I even left Canaan! That means Yaakov dug it at least 17 years earlier, if not at the time that he buried Leah. Talk about preparation!
Of course, Yaakov didn’t have to pay for it – his grandfather Avraham had taken care of that. But nonetheless, it was prepared, and ready for him upon arrival.
Yaakov does another thing that we don’t often think about. He makes his son Yosef swear that he will follow through with his requests. There are a number of reasons why Yaakov may have needed Yosef to swear – one of which is related to Yosef needing to get permission from Pharaoh to go. But it also relates to a final will. I want it done THIS way. I need you to promise that my NEEDS will be fulfilled.
The third end-of-life decision is to take care of burial and funeral arrangements pre-need. It is a tough decision, whether to be buried here, closer to one’s children if they live elsewhere, or in Israel. The following are thoughts to consider:
1. Yaakov wanted Israel. Yosef wanted Israel. Yaakov was buried in Israel. Yosef was re-interred there.
2. We don’t know what the future of the Jewish people holds. Most cemeteries in Europe, if they still exist, are overgrown and done. Maybe March of Living visits them or some other “Jewish Heritage” trip visits them. In some cases there may be an elderly caretaker. But some municipalities are even talking about getting rid of the Jewish cemetery. Because who cares about dead Jews?
3. Do you want or care if people ever visit your grave?
4. On the other hand, unless we have paid for it ourselves, the more the travel, the more the expense and burden it is on the family who has to deal with it over a longer period.
5. South Florida Jewish Cemetery in Lantana, FL is THE model cemetery of the NASCK. (https://www.nasck.org/sfjc/)
The Gemara in Nazir 65a discusses the halakha of re-interment, stating that when doing so, one must take the equivalent of 3 fingers-ful of dirt from the original place of burial. This is learned from the pasuk, when Yaakov says ושכבתי עם אבותי ונשאתני ממצרים. From which the gemara derives that Yaakov was briefly buried in Egypt, based on the word ושכבתי. Chizkuni even says on that Pasuk, quoting the Gemara, that Yaakov was buried briefly in Egypt! Of course, a number of great rabbis question this reality, because the Torah does not say he was buried in Egypt. But one of the things the Torah does tell us is that there was an Avel (mourning) done for Yaakov before his burial in Canaan.
Generally speaking, in our tradition, mourning doesn’t begin until AFTER BURIAL. Too much to worry about and think about! So the fact that there was so much crying, and in fact an AVEL before burial in Canaan might best be allowed and facilitated by a burial in Egypt that had taken place prior.
On the other hand, some commentaries in fact suggest that this Shiva, the AVEL for Yaakov, was done before burial.
From a different perspective, which may also explain why Yosef needed permission to take Yaakov out of Egypt, we may attempt to answer for the Gemara AND takes into account Egyptian realities.
Who gets embalmed? Royalty. And how was royalty buried in Egypt? In the ground? No! In the Valley of the Kings! In crypts! So Yaakov, being Yosef’s father, may have very well been “buried” in Egypt, in a crypt, so Egypt could mourn properly, and then he was exhumed so he could be taken to Canaan. Chizkuni even suggests that when they did the AVEL in Canaan, י"מ ששם באו לכבדו אלופי עשו ונשיאי ישמעאל ובני קטורה ושם עשו אבל חדש כי כן דרך כשבא אחר מקרובי המת הם בוכים כבתחלה. [“Some say that the many who came to honor him included the families of Eisav, the princes of Yishmael AND the descendants of Keturah, and that they then mourned for a month, because that is the way it is done, when others who are related to the deceased show up, they too cry as if at the beginning.”]
Which shows that Yaakov was aware of, and honored, local custom, while also getting what he wanted, a proper Jewish funeral and burial, in ground. And to be honored by distant relatives at that time as well. Indeed, he was able to have his crypt and burial too.
NASCK has made a website for this weekend. But it’s available year-round. Shabbosvayechi.org or Teamshabbos.org. It has a link called Protect Life and also Halachic Living Will Download which I would encourage you to look at. Through their regular website NASCK.org you can find information on the following topics.
• The Torah’s View of the Sanctity of Life vs. the Medical/Secular View That Defines Life By Its Quality
• Burial - Here or in Israel
• Halachic Wills
• Traditional Jewish Burial
• Respecting the Body After Death / Preventing Autopsy
• Caring for Elderly Parents
• Pre-Need Funeral Arrangements
• Buying Graves
• Halachic Living Wills / Healthcare Proxies
Who will make medical decisions for you in the case of severe illness and you are unable to make them? Who in your circle is best suited for this task? Do they know what you want, and what Halacha demands? What if there is a disagreement amongst your closest relatives? What laws pertain to making such decisions. What to do with the Halachic Living Will once it is executed?
• End-of-Life Discussions for Kiruv Purposes
• Reaching Out to Those Around Us to Prevent Cremation
How we treat our dead tells us a lot about ourselves and our society. “We burn trash. We bury treasure.”
• Ethical Wills
An ethical will is a heartfelt expression of what truly matters most in your life. An ethical will is a way to share your values, blessings, life’s lessons, hopes and dreams for the future. It is an opportunity to express love and forgiveness to your family, friends, and community. It’s a great tool for growth, your own growth and the growth of those around us.
• Chessed Shel Emes: Joining and Appreciating the Chevra Kadisha
These are topics each of us should think about discuss with loved ones. It is also always nice to include your shul in end-of-life charitable giving.
Most practically, a few more things to think about, just in terms of being organized.
Preparing the following is very thoughtful and helpful. But your loved ones or friends should know where the information is. Whether it’s a file drawer, or in the hands of a lawyer or trusted friend or advisor.
Where is your will? Do you have a will? Is it up to date? Do you have life insurance? Where is the policy? With which company? Who is the life insurance agent? Have you assigned a health care proxy? People who are married halakhically but not legally – as sometimes happens in second/ later marriages – really need to be mindful of this. In addition, when there are multiple children, and varied interests, concerns and worries, this conversation is best held with them BEFORE anything comes up. BEFORE there are issues. So who the main decision maker or makers are is CLEAR.
The three lessons we learned from Yaakov were:
FIRST: to make the most of the last few years of life. In Yaakov’s case there were 17 years from his move to Egypt until he died. Many people have retired to our community. For those who are planning for this to be the last vertical move, I certainly wish there to be many more than 17 years – in good health, and with growth in Jewish commitment and involvement, and enjoyment of all the good and wonderful fun life has to offer within this community. But it’s up to each of us to milk this time for what it can be for us in fulfillment of these pursuits and goals.
SECOND: To make sure the family is intact. Everyone should know they are equally loved. We should express often and clearly how proud we are of them. Let them know there are no regrets. We will disagree about things in life. But if our disagreement doesn’t become a point of fight and departure, but a clear expression of love, there will not be hard feelings. Those of us who are older and might anticipate departing from this earth first must always remember. It is those we leave behind who live with the regret. So let us not let the regret be because of what we did or said, or on account of what we didn’t say.
THIRD: To take care of whatever arrangements in advance. We often talk about how arranging for burial and actual burying is Chesed Shel Emet. The truest kindness. But think about the kind of kindness we could do for our loved ones if we take care of it for them, and all they need to do is make a phone call, write a eulogy, and shovel the dirt?
That’s a chesed that they can’t repay to you. They can only pay it forward and take care of their own arrangements in advance of their own funerals. Until 120, in good health, for all.
With Hashem’s help, may the arrangements we make soon not be needed for a very long time.
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