by Rabbi Avi Billet
At AIPAC 2019, Arthur C. Brooks addressed the “Rabbis and Cantors” at a luncheon while his book “Love Your Enemies,” was placed on the tables for all to take. Brooks spoke of the need for people who have disagreements to find the commonality in their humanity. The subtitle of his book is “How decent people can save America from the culture of contempt.” The book is highly recommended.
In Chapter 8, entitled “Please Disagree With Me” Brooks writes of Robby George and Cornel West – both professors at Princeton at the time of publication – who “disagree vehemently on most issues, including human sexuality, race, identity, economics, and abortion.” And yet, what they say about each other is “I have a deep love for this brother. I have a deep respect for this brother.” (That’s CW speaking of RG). “We’re united to each other in love, in true fraternal affection. When I call Brother Cornel ‘Brother Cornel’ I mean he’s my brother.” (RG speaking of CW)
More from West: “We revel in each other’s humanity. We share a fundamental commitment to the life of the mind and the world of ideas. We’ve had a chance to teach and lecture around the country, and so when I see him, I don’t see him first and foremost as a conservative thinker, Catholic philosopher, one of the major political theorists of our day. I see him as my brother.”
Later in the chapter, a little more from the two men regarding each other.
West: “I see [Robby] as my friend and someone who has… a right to be wrong.”
George: “We agree on almost nothing.” When teaching together, they allow the passion of their views and arguments to come through and “have no thought about calling each other names or shouting at each other. I think the students in that circumstance learn not only by the content of what we say but just by the example of how we conduct ourselves… Teaching with Cornel has been among the best experiences that I’ve had… in my thirty-plus years at Princeton.”
This perspective is very refreshing - people we might assume would hate one another in the (as Brooks calls it) “Culture of Contempt” that exists in our world today when people disagree with one another, truly admire one another. In many ways it should be a model for how people who have differing views recognize the other person’s humanity, celebrating their differences even while possibly believing the other person might be (or is!) wrong. As evidenced in the Talmud and throughout Jewish history, differences of opinion, not all thinking exactly the same way, is one of the most beautiful aspects of Judaism. We are allowed and even encouraged to explore different points of view, yet we still pray together, learn Torah together, count together towards a minyan, and have communal shared interests that rise far above politics and the local flavor of the day.
This introduction brings us to a declaration of hatred that is mentioned by Yitzchak Avinu in Parshas Toldos. A famine sends him to Gerar, where, following his father’s example he tells everyone Rivkah (his wife) is his sister. Blessedly, she is not taken by the king, though the king gives Yitzchak a bit of a “musser shmuess” when he perchance discovers that they are indeed married to one another. Yitzchak is given the opportunity to thrive in the land (26:11-14), and he is blessed by God in doing so, which results in the Philistines becoming jealous of him. In the following verses, these jealous Philistines stuff Yitzchak’s wells (the ones he inherited from Avraham), and the king exiles him to Nachal Gerar (v .16-17). After he returns to Beer Shava, he has a vision from God, then he builds a Mizbeach and calls out in God’s name (v. 23-25). It is subsequent to this that Avimelekh, the King of Gerar, pays Yitzchak a visit while accompanied by his general Phichol, looking to make a treaty with Yitzchak.
Yitzchak’s reaction to them is striking. “Why have you come to me? You hate me, and you sent me away from living among you.”
[Based on Avimelekhs’s response “We see that God is with you,” Seforno notes how this visit takes place specifically after Yitzchak’s first public expression of his connection to God (compare to Avraham who had been doing this since he first came on the scene in Canaan – see 12:8, 13:4,18) which impresses the Philistines more than all of his material success and wealth. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks ZL would often say “Non-Jews respect Jews who respect Judaism, and they are embarrassed by Jews who are embarrassed by Judaism.” It seems this would be a great example of that being true.]
Yitzchak’s impression of how the Philistines felt about him was likely traumatic. Imagine being kicked out of a land where you’ve invested much energy, likely made friends, and have been successful (however that is defined), all because some people are jealous of that success!
Were they afraid of Yitzchak because of his wealth? It could be. One reason people who don’t completely see eye to eye make treaties is to avoid future conflicts. Since Avimelekh is the one approaching Yitzchak, it would seem he was fearful of something.
A famous Jedi master notably said, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
One can easily suggest that the hatred Yitzchak felt aimed at him was one-sided. At the same time, Yitzchak having been wronged by the Philistines may have justifiably felt hatred towards them. But he clearly doesn’t let it preoccupy his existence. In fact, when they note why they’re here to make peace (see brackets above), Yitzchak accepts their proposition and makes peace with them. Someone with the kind of hatred we might assume Yitzchak has doesn’t move past it that quickly to make a peace treaty. Which stands to suggest that the only ones who harbored hatred were the Philistines, because they were jealous (and possibly afraid) of Yitzchak. Yitzchak accepted their offer – perhaps he didn’t want the hatred to lead to suffering.
Hatred is a powerful emotion which consumes the person who hates. Even a simple google search of the phrase “The Destructive Power of Hate” brings up examples of people decrying hatred.
And, of course, in Orchos Tzadikim (OTz) (“The Ways of the Righteous”) there is an entire chapter dedicated to hatred and the need to overcome it. The following ideas in bold come from that chapter.
We have commandments, such as “Don’t hate your brother in your heart” (Vayikra 19:17) – which does not mean hate him out in the open, but is rather an exhortation to purge the hatred from your heart, perhaps even through talking to the person directly or with or through a third party.
Hatred leads to slander, wanting the worst for him, rejoicing in his misfortune, bearing a grudge, not pitying him even when he is in dire straits. The hater even disparages the other person’s good deeds, withholds goods or goodness from the person, and never acknowledges when the hater was mistaken.
There is a hatred which exists when the hater can’t even talk to the subject of his hatred. The example OTz gives is King David’s son Avshalom who (rightly) hated his half-brother Amnon (who had raped Avshalom’s full sister Tamar) and eventually killed Amnon because his hatred was so deeply-seeded. He couldn’t even talk to Amnon because of how deep his hatred was.
Contrast this to Avraham who prayed on behalf of Avimelekh who had abducted his wife.
OTz decries “Sinas Chinam” – often translated as baseless hatred - noting that even worse than that is hatred which comes from envy – as described in our parsha. What comes as a result? Hatred because someone didn’t do something for you that you wanted him/her to do (such as give a gift, or say the right words, or extend a loan); hatred from thinking that person isn’t as good as I am, so why is that person more successful or seemingly more blessed by God?; hatred of a tradesman for a competitor; hatred of a person who offers reproof and constructive criticism; hatred of those who do good and pursue righteousness.
Psychology and common sense will suggest that a person who harbors hatred is most consumed by the hatred, and would do well to try to purge those feelings from the heart. Sometimes it takes a difficult conversation to work through differences, and sometimes it is a personal decision that a person must make: Do I want to let hatred consume me? Or do I want to eradicate hatred, and all the horrible feelings and behaviors associated with it, from my experience?
That latter approach is the way in which OTz suggests one eradicate most forms of Hatred: “Imagine that [your life’s reality] comes from the Creator Who decreed all this for his good, and accept it with love. There is no doubt that if this is done all hatred will depart from his heart. This is a great foundation of the Torah, to accept everything with love and say “This too is for the good.” One who accustoms oneself to do this, who concentrates upon this in his heart and rejoices in the judgments of the Creator… will be rescued from hatred, enmity, and envy.”
OTz concludes the chapter saying that there is a mitzvah to hate: hate a wicked person who does not wish to improve, hate evil, and hate falsehood and deceit. Mostly one must hate whatever distances and deters a person from loving Hashem.
While it is certainly hoped that no one has any feelings of hatred or enmity towards another, hopefully the teachings of Orchos Tzadikim can give us pause to consider a path forward. If we are the targets of someone else’s hatred (assuming we know about it), sending out an olive branch, perhaps through a third party, puts the onus on the other person to move on from that hatred. If we did something for which we need to apologize, a sincere apology should certainly accompany that olive branch, with a commitment to right whatever wrongs were committed, if at all possible.
If such feelings exist from us towards others, there are certainly a few possibilities to consider:
- If the person lives elsewhere and we are not likely to see the person, we must banish the hatred from our hearts and move on.
- If the person lives in our community (many of us live in more than one community), we should ask ourselves if that hatred we feel is of our own making or because of what the other person did or does. If the hatred comes from within ourselves, we must read the chapter of Orchos Tzadikim (https://www.sefaria.org/Orchot_Tzadikim.6?lang=bi) and work to remove the hatred from our hearts. If it is on account of something the other person did or does, perhaps speaking with an objective third party can help us work through the issue, if indeed we would like to move past the feelings of hatred. This is particularly true if what the other person did or does can’t objectively be viewed as coming from a bad place. If what the other person did or does was and/or is destructive to our lives, this is of course much more difficult because that issue needs to be resolved before we can move on.
- If the person is a relative, especially one we would be required to sit shiva for one day (a parent, a sibling, a child) per the customs of mourning, then we must ask ourselves how this started and more importantly how can it end? To bring one example from our parsha which ends in Parshas Vayishlach, despite their differences, Yaakov and Eisav reembrace (33:4) after a very bitter parting (27:41-45), and they are both present at their father’s funeral (35:29). Their conversation in 33:8-15 demonstrates reconciliation even as they choose to go their separate ways. No matter how we wish to view their personal relationship when they live apart from one another, the fact that they meet in chapter 33 demonstrates that they can talk to one another, and that they depart from one another on speaking terms.
Yitzchak Avinu likely didn’t harbor hatred towards Avimelekh, and Yitzchak was clearly ready to move past it when those who hated him demonstrated their readiness to move on. And what united them? A vision forward that included a Godly existence, Yitzchak declaring the Oneness of his God, Avimelekh respecting a Jew who respected Judaism, and their shared commitment to not hate one another, despite their differences.
After all, as we learned from Cornel West and Robby George (and Arthur C. Brooks), the opposite of a culture of contempt produces greatness and enhances human relationships forward, rather than getting stuck in the muck of hatred which only consumes and destroys otherwise decent people.
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