by Rabbi Avi Billet
The first comment Rashi shares in the Torah is that the law book begins with narrative in order that the nation of God should be able to demonstrate why the land of Israel belongs to them. With this sentiment, it could be easily argued that the narrative could have simply begun with Avraham. We had no need for the accounts of Creation (Ch. 1 – “6 days” and Ch. 2 – “Garden of Eden”), and we had no need for the flood and the dispersion.
The Torah could have simply stated that God created the world, and after 1656 years He felt the need to recreate the world through a flood. A few hundred years later, Avraham discovered God in a way others had not before him, and then God sent him on a journey to “a land that I will show you.”
It can be argued that such a 3 verse summary of all that took place prior to the advent of Avraham would not create the proper context in which Avraham appears, and the majesty of his impact on the world would not be appreciated.
So, what is the purpose of Avraham’s journey? There are many possibilities. Perhaps we are to see how Avraham prays. Perhaps we are to learn from how when God tells him to do something he goes to do it. Perhaps we are to be inspired by how he navigates adverse events. And maybe we are to learn from his relationships with those closest to him.
Avraham’s closest traveling companions are his wife and his nephew. At the end of Parshat Noach, we saw how Avraham’s father Terach traveled with these companions. (Note that prior to chapter 17, our forefather’s name was “Avram.”) “Terach took his son Avram, his grandson Lot (Haran's son), and his daughter-in-law Sarai (Avram's wife). With them, he left Ur Casdim, heading toward the land of Canaan.” (11:31)
At the beginning of our parsha, after receiving marching orders from God, “Avram went as God had directed him, and Lot went with him.” (12:4) What about his wife? Ah, yes. She is mentioned in the next verse. “Avram took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, and all their belongings, as well as the people they had gathered, and they left, heading toward Canaan.” (12:5) Which is a closer relationship - Lot went “with him,” or he “took his wife?” At the very least it’s a curious thing to note. And why did he “take” his nephew if his nephew “went with him?”
Oddly enough, with two minor exceptions (when Avram speaks to her on the way to Egypt and when the explanation for Pharaoh’s illness is attributed to “because of Abram's wife Sarai,”) Sarai is not mentioned again by name for several chapters, while Lot is not only mentioned by name but is given significant screen time in the Torah. Sarai is referenced as “Avram’s wife,” “his wife,” etc., but not by name. Upon leaving Egypt, “Avram headed northward from Egypt, he and his wife and all that was his, Lot was with him when heading to the Negev.”
The Hebrew word for “with him” (describing Lot’s accompaniment) has changed since the first time – in 12:4 it was “ito” and in 13:1 it is “eemo,” (אתו v עמו) which begs the question what’s the difference between these usages (please note that the previous link 👈 offers one perspective - I've seen commentaries who suggest the exact opposite)? But even more troubling to me is Avraham’s relationship with his wife! She is either an afterthought, or she disappears from the narrative completely until chapter 16! She is never described as being “with him.”
And when she reappears, and recommends Avraham take her maid as an opportunity for them to have a child, as soon as Hagar becomes pregnant and belittles Sarai, Sarai says to Avraham “Chamasi Alekha” – which most translate as “My wrath/anger is on you.”
What is going on? Wasn’t this her idea? How can she be mad at Avraham? Is it because she’s always been seen as second fiddle to the favorite nephew? Are we missing something in this relationship?
More than anything, I think we’re missing something in this reading of her words, and in the translation of the word “Chamasi.” The word which would mean “My anger” is spelled CHET-MEM-TAV-YUD (חמתי). The actual word in the verse is spelled CHET-MEM-SAMECH-YUD (חמסי). Those first three letters spell the word “Chamas” which was the crime fingerpointed to be the cause for humanity’s downfall in Parshat Noach – robbery, or taking something that belongs to someone else.
While most of the commentaries go with the “angry” translation, Sha”kh on the parsha says this: “My loss, my embarrassment over my barrenness is on you (i.e. that’s what you’ve taken from me!). People will say ‘If God really wanted him, He would not have given him a child from the maid.’ Alternatively, “My shame is on you because you should have prayed that ‘If You will give me a child, please make it be only from this righteous woman’ (as is the credit given to Yitzchak years later). The prayers are not my responsibility because a woman is not expected to have a child without a fertile man. Everyone would have assumed you were the problem! But now that Hagar is pregnant and the world knows you are not the problem, it’s on you that they see me as being the one prevented from having a child. And it’s your fault because you should have prayed for me!”
Sarai is not angry that Hagar became pregnant (though she is not pleased with how Hagar treats her on account of this news). She is noting that her husband did not do enough to bring about a change in her own reality. And why is that? Maybe Avraham thought his relationship with God would bring all kinds of guarantees. Maybe he was focused on his nephew, because he could see his nephew in the here and now (unlike a child he did not yet have), and knew Lot could use his guidance. (Though I am curious as to how far apart Avraham and Lot were age-wise). Maybe Avraham’s view of his wife wasn’t as steeped in holiness as it should have been – and he only got the lesson in Chapter 17, when God informed him that his connection to her was going to be grounded in holiness and embedded in the depth of the relationship he was enhancing and advancing with God through the covenant of Brit Milah (circumcision).
Like every person, I see Avraham as evolving in all of his relationships. He worries for Lot, then eventually gives Lot wings to fly. He takes Sarai with him, only notices her in a significant way as they are descending to Egypt, but seems to take her for granted until he is circumcised. And he certainly evolves in his relationship with God.
Of course some of this is conjecture, but it is clear to me that people grow in time, and relationships change, and hopefully evolve for the better. The first of our forefathers and foremothers are a great example of how at all stages, people ought to be in tune to each other, and whenever and as much as possible, ought to pray that their relationship should only be growing and improving, through their own efforts and through the help of God.
[click here for an addendum added in 2023, a few weeks after the Simchas Torah massacre in Israel]
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