Nadav and Avihu Died... Because they were unmarried?

In 2009, I wrote an article entitled the "Post Shidduch Crisis" lamenting the number of first time marriages of young people I had personally seen that were dissolved within months. I suppose this is a follow up to that. While there is much more to say, this is a start to an important subject. 

Parshat Shemini

by Rabbi Avi Billet

At the beginning of his comment on Vayikra 10:1, Kli Yakar lists 7 or 8 (depending how you count) possible reasons for why Nadav and Avihu died, some recorded in Yalkut Shimoni. One of those reasons is “because they did not take wives.” In explaining each reason, he suggests there is a connection to fire (what took their lives) because “those unmarried are filled with flame of desire and sinful thoughts” (based on Sanhedrin 108b and Kiddushin 81a) [All of the reasons given by the Rabbis are included in a list at the end of this link and an even longer list in the middle of this sermon - in brackets]

Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky asked, “Why did Chazal heap so many possible sins on these “Kedoshim” (how Moshe referred to them)? Why wasn’t the Torah’s explanation – they died for bringing a strange fire they had not been commanded to bring – sufficient?” He answers (as does Kli Yakar) that all of the sins in question focus on a “Nekudah Merkazit” (main point) of haughtiness, and in the case of this specific “reason,” of thinking they were better than all prospective brides. 

The Zohar has unflattering things to say about someone who goes unmarried (see the comments below this article), and notes that this was a blemish in Nadav and Avihu, which contributed to God removing them from preventing His presence to fully be brought into the Mishkan. 

[I would certainly not call an unmarried person "blemished." A different passage in Rabbinic literature uses the term "incomplete" - a much more reasonable view. I would encourage every person to at least try very hard to find a spouse, but I understand that life does not bring a guarantee for anyone, nor that every marriage will work out.] 

One perspective on their being unmarried causing their death is that they caused many women to not marry in hopes they’d be picked as a mate by Nadav and Avihu. While that seems to be a choice those women made, which is hard to truly blame on Nadav and Avihu, Alshikh (and others) quote the verse in Tehillim 78:63 to support this idea: Fire consumed his youths and his virgins were not married. - בַּֽחוּרָ֥יו אָֽכְלָה־אֵ֑שׁ וּ֜בְתוּלֹתָ֗יו לֹ֣א הוּלָּֽלוּ: So their not being married is to be blamed for so many others to not be married...?

Chasam Sofer (On Bamidbar 3) comes to their defense, however, after first noting the idea that they didn’t marry on account of arrogance, thinking no woman was worthy enough to marry them. Moshe indicates they were even holier than himself and Aharon, so they weren’t “off” in the deductive reasoning.  However, that’s no excuse for thinking they’re better than anyone. While they may have had qualities that surpassed those of Moshe and Aharon, Moshe was more than head and shoulders above them in humility, and both Moshe and Aharon married and had children. 

And yet, the fact that they didn’t marry while still in Egypt is odd. Elazar and Itamar, their younger brothers, were already married and had children by the time of the Exodus! While in Egypt, who had time or particularity to see themselves as better than anyone else? Obviously, Chasam Sofer posits, they didn’t marry at that point because they were like [the tanna] ben Azzai who dedicated his life to Torah [and didn’t have room in his life for a wife]. Their father was a holy man, a prophet for Israel, and they, his two oldest sons, were gifted with a holy spirit, their souls craving more closeness to God. Getting married would have been a distraction to them from their spiritual pursuits. [He uses this to explain the oft-noted comment they’d make about when would Moshe and Aharon die, leaving leadership to them, as being misrepresentative! They weren’t waiting for Moshe and Aharon to die! They were dreading that they’d have to drop their spiritual pursuits to take on the mundane responsibilities of leadership!] That also contributed to their not marrying – they had enough coming up on their plate. Along similar lines, because there is also an argument that many girls didn’t marry, hoping to be the catch for Nadav or Avihu, thinking that “in order for either one to be the next Kohen Gadol, he will have to get married! I will wait for that!” - they are somehow blamed for making these women be agunot, chained in their dreams of becoming wife of the next Kohen Gadol! (This is not worthy of a death sentence, however.  We’ll see at the end how their not being married “contributed” to their deaths more than “caused” their deaths.)

This reminds me of the cute exchange in Fiddler on the Roof. 

Tzaitel to Hodel: You have your eye on the Rabbi’s son. 

 Hodel: And why not? We have only one Rabbi, and he has only one son. So why shouldn’t I want the best? 

Tzaitel: Because you’re a girl from a poor family! So whatever Yenta gives you, you’ll take! 

 Whether this cute exchange in Fiddler on the Roof is a reflection of reality, or is perhaps a nod to the oft – cited notion to look for yichus in a prospective shidduch, one wonders how much this is reflective of today’s realities in certain elements of our culture and society. [I fear that looks and impossibly skinny waists are much more emphasized than they should be.] 

 The Talmud, in general a fan of marriage, noted the exchanges that would take place between men and women at the celebrations of the 15th of Av, when poorer women unable to find husbands would go out dancing in the fields, and men would approach them to find a potential mate. (Taanit 31a) 

“The Rabbis taught: The pretty women would say ‘Look for beauty, for a wife’s purpose is to be beautiful [in her husband’s eyes].’ The ones who had good lineage would say, ‘Look for a good family, for a wife’s purpose is to produce children [and if I am from a wonderful family I’ll produce wonderful children]!’ The ‘ugly’ ones would say, ‘Take your catch for the sake of heaven, and adorn with golden jewelry’ 

(The Talmud in Nedarim 66a states that ‘the daughters of Israel are pretty, but poverty makes them ugly.’ Thus at least two interpretations explain their statement: a. the jewelry will bring out their hidden beauty, b. the man ‘will be adorned with gold’ since he marries for the most righteous reason, thus bringing honor upon himself.) 

The Rabbis were also aware that not all marriages were blissful and perfect. One example is recounted at the end of Yebamot 63a, of R’ Chiya, whose wife would excoriate him, and yet he would bring her nice things. Rav said to him, “Your wife causes you so much anguish. [implying - Why be nice to her?]” R Chiya responded, “It is enough [i.e. I have what to be grateful for] that wives raise our children, and save us from sinning.” The passage there goes on, back and forth, discussing the virtues of a good wife and the negative aspects of having a difficult wife. It is what we would imagine – that a good wife brings peace and zen to a man (as in Mishlei 18:22), while a shrew brings nothing but heartache to a man (as in Koheles 7:26). 

I’ve heard it said that “in Europe not enough people got divorced and in America too many people get divorced.” This is both a reflection of how divorce was once taboo, and how now that it is far less taboo, many more people opt for it rather than live in a less than desirable situation. This is not to say that divorce is never justified! Some divorces certainly are! But it is also to say that not all divorces need to take place – some look at it as an out for a variety of reasons that include not wanting to work through issues that have come up with the person that was once loved, but now seems to have gone in a different direction in priorities, choices, and what the person wants out of life. [Rabbi Lamm wrote "As restraints and inhibitions have been dissolved by society, people do not give themselves the chance and every marital problem is considered as having an immediate solution - divorce."]

 When there are no children, it is easier to go this route. When there are children, usually everyone suffers as a result. 

 That being said, to quote a friend who is twice divorced: “Do you know what’s worse than being divorced? Being in a bad marriage.” 

 I’ve read that between 60-70% of divorces today (in the US) are initiated by women. Reish Lakish of the Talmud could not anticipate the 21st century when he stated “It is better [for a woman] to be married to him [her husband] than to be widowed.” In other words, being married, even to a less than perfect man, is better than being alone. The previous statistic demonstrates, however, that at least in America, 60-70% of divorces are initiated by women who would rather be alone than “be with him.” [As mentioned above, some divorces should absolutely happen – such as in abuse cases, whether physical or emotional, or in a case where a person was hiding a true self and turned out to be a very different person. But some differences need not be irreconcilable, just because people have grown differently in their adulthood. Obviously a much longer discussion than we have space for here.] 

One of the last statements in Tractate Gittin (90b) is Rabbi Elazar's comment that when a divorce takes place, even the mizbeach (altar) sheds tears. The Maharal explains that the Mizbeach is a metaphor for the relationship between God and the Jewish people. If the closest relationship between people is severed, the Mizbeach goes into mourning. 

 So how do we make a good marriage? 

Though perhaps understated, the obvious answer is that it requires work. While I don’t claim to be an expert, and am not sure what an “amazing marriage” is supposed to look like, certainly living with the guidance of those who are wiser and have a wider expanse of experience – such as having counseled couples through challenges – is a good start for a good and healthy marriage. Reading a book like “Jewish Marriage: A Halakhic Ethic” by Rabbi Reuven Bulka is an excellent assignment for an individual before embarking on dating and relating, or a couple looking for an ideal of what Jewish Marriage can and should look like. 

Before we got married, my wife and I visited with a rabbi who asked us point blank, “How long do you expect your marriage to last?” We were a bit shocked by the question. He told us “The average marriage in America lasts 7 years. What will you do to avoid being part of that statistic?” 

A friend of mine, 15 years my senior - married and with 6 children at the time - asked me three questions when he heard we were dating seriously. Beyond having “interest” in one another, and having shared values, he asked: 

1. Can you see yourself waking up next to this person for the rest of your life? 

2. Can you be her biggest fan? And can she be yours? 

3. Do you trust her? 

Many years ago my mother presented a keynote address at a Shadchanim conference, encouraging the matchmakers to particularly look out for the girls who were not in the “drop dead gorgeous” category, using the parable from Rabbi Lamm of a display in a store window featuring four kinds of perfume: “Passionate Love,” “Hedonistic Delight,” “Ecstasy,” and “Reasonable Expectations.” My mother noted that everyone would gravitate to the first three, but no one is buying “Reasonable expectations.” The implication that the first three are not good recipes for marriage, should go without saying. It is always much more important to emphasize values and good qualities. Looks can fade faster than we can imagine, but the person’s Neshama defines the person’s essence, and the qualities one should truly be looking for in a spouse. 

 Those who are dating for the expressed purpose of finding a mate are on the right track. They should know that they don’t want to waste someone else’s time and that they don’t want their own time to be wasted. [Those who are not ready to make a commitment should spend more time working on oneself and, arguably, should not be dating if they ultimately can’t commit – they are wasting the other person’s time.] Each person should know as much about himself/herself – to know their own imperfections and foibles so they know they are imperfect and have room to grow, and that they shouldn’t demand or expect perfection from someone else. They should not judge people solely on looks (which are often altered in a photo, with a filter, or with varying makeup techniques), though a basic physical attraction is certainly important. But even looks can grow on a person! They should look more for values and character such as honesty, reliability, sensitivity, a baal/baalat chesed, someone who will be a great parent and a great partner in life, who is trusted, and who will be supportive – morally, and EVENTUALLY financially (expecting a young person to command a very high salary is an ‘unreasonable expectation’). And while some people have family wealth which might help put some younger people in less of a financial struggle, not everyone does. And besides, money is not the key ingredient to happiness. 

 In fact, “Money is the root of all evil,” a point which proves itself not only in criminality, but also in every nasty divorce dispute that revolves around money. The Torah, for example, provides for some kind of severance package at a time of divorce, but does not require any payment of alimony in either direction. Once the marriage is over, the obligations to one another end (the difficult by-product of a divorce with children is the shared responsibilities to those children, but “child-care expenses” are not “alimony.”) 

 Some people, like Nadav and Avihu, see themselves as a great catch, and see others as being unworthy of them. Clearly, this stems from arrogance, and is not a good recipe for success in an eventual marriage. In Nadav and Avihu's case, it may have been a death sentence!

 The antidote to this is to approach the prospect of dating for marriage, as well as marriage itself, through humility. While every person should be confident in one’s self, each person in a prospective union should feel “I am unworthy of this person. I am definitely getting the better end of the deal.” 

Each person should also be guided much less by “What will I be getting out of this life partner?” and much more by “What can I do to better the life of this life partner?” Too many people in the society we are exposed to come into marriage with an attitude that “what does s/he do for me?” That is a recipe for disaster. When the goal in marriage is “my satisfaction” then the other person becomes a doormat, or worse, a trash can or garbage disposal. 

There is so much more that can be said. So I’ll just conclude with a quote I heard from Jordan Peterson, who is very wise, and speaks a lot about the human condition and relationships, and a final thought from Chasam Sofer. 

“I realized I loved you when the thought of loving anyone else seemed impossible. I never feel like I’m wasting time with you. We could sit in silence for hours and it would still feel so full and good and necessary. I’m so thankful for you. So I promise to stay through every bad day and every good one. I promise to grow with you and love you through any and all phases we may go through. I promise to stay through it all because you are more than worth it. I will never stop being proud of you. I will never stop being your biggest supporter, your best friend. I will never stop showing you the love you deserve as long as I’m with you. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like you; to be loved in such a way I never knew existed. I will never stop reminding you how much you mean to me.” 

Chasam Sofer notes that had Nadav and Avihu each been married, they would not have died! Being married, and even moreso having children, is one of the most humbling changes in life that a man can undergo*. Had they been married, they would have understood that they’re not as holy as they think, and they’d never have taken Ketores or brought a strange fire, perhaps thinking they are worthy of this task. They’d have known what they were worthy to do, and they’d have known their limitations, which they would not have crossed. 

May the Jewish people continue to grow and thrive. And may ALL marriages be blessed to be unions of mutual growth, where each partner sees themselves as the lucky one for having gotten such an amazing spouse, where each person sees himself or herself as a giver, and that the ability to give to the other (support, admiration, compliments, affection, love, comfort, encouragement, a break, forgiveness for sleights, etc) is the greatest blessing in life.

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* Subsequent to writing this, I came across the following quick story about Rav Yehuda Amital as shared by Rabbi Chaim Navon.

הרב עמיטל היה נוהג לומר לנו, תלמידיו: אתם יודעים למה אתם צריכים להתחתן? כי יום אחד תהיו רבנים, ואנשים יתחילו לכבד אתכם, ויתחילו לקרוא לכם "הרב הגאון", ואתם עוד עלולים להאמין להם. ואז, כשתצאו מהבית לאיזה שיעור, רעייתכם תאמר לכם: "חיימק'ה, אל תשכח לקחת את הזבל!" – וכך תזכרו מי אתם באמת.

"Rav Amital would remind his students: Do you know why it's important for you to get married? Because one day you'll be rabbis. And people will honor you. And they'll start calling you things like "HaRav HaGaon." And you will begin to believe them! And then when you're going out to teach a class, your dear wife will say "Chaim'l! Don't forget to take out the garbage!" And then you'll remember who you truly are." [Just a human being who has responsibilities. And you won't let your accomplishments and the way people honor you get to your head.]