Parshat Devarim
by Rabbi Avi Billet
The parsha begins by setting the time and stage for Moshe’s goodbye speech to the Children of Israel, giving us many geographical coordinates while noting that it’s the beginning of the 11th month. The Sifrei (Midrash on Devarim) tells us that “This teaches that Moshe waited to rebuke them until close to the time of his death. He learned this tactic from Yaakov Avinu who gave rebuke to his own children just before he died. Yaakov did this so he wouldn’t have to rebuke more than once. And also, if his words were negative, it would prevent people from having to look him in the face and be embarrassed, since he wouldn’t be around for very long after the rebuke was given.”
What’s the difference on the timing? What if he would choose to only rebuke once, thinking “I’ve said my piece, I don’t need to repeat it, even though the opportunity may present itself again.” Besides, what’s the benefit anyway, if in the end of the day they won’t listen?
Ksav Sofer explained that human nature is such that when things are going well, people tend to not think that they will ever face adversity or difficulty. Were a prophet to warn people about dangers and devastation that are coming, people would tend not to listen to the prediction and warning. However, when people see actual difficulty, when they are in the midst of experiencing צער, pain (of loss, for example), they can examine their own deeds and have their hearts be receptive to accepting rebuke.
Yaakov Avinu waited until the end of his life because, as he saw it, things were going well for his sons, and they wouldn’t accept his rebuke until they saw he was on the brink of death. As we all know, that experience impacts a person, in some cases rather heavily. People make commitments in life, and in honor of their parents, sometimes even moreso upon their deaths than in their lifetimes.
Moshe learned from this and acted accordingly in his final words to Bnei Yisrael, when he was in the uniquely blessed position of knowing when he would be dying.
A question could be asked on the sentiment expressed by the Sifrei however, in that there is a mitzvah in the Torah to rebuke one’s friend. (There are rules and parameters, such as that the person should be open to accepting the rebuke.)
Rabbi Chaim Yaakov Zukerman explained that there are two kinds of rebuke.
The first points out actual areas in which a person has erred and therefore needs to do Teshuvah and change one’s ways. The second doesn’t point to actual sins or specifically errant behavior. Instead it focuses on the good a person can do in order to distance oneself from falling prey to regrettable deeds.
The first kind of rebuke is one that can be so embarrassing and painful to its recipient that it is the type that should wait until close to death. [Perhaps some people don’t know when that is, and take the opportunity to pen a letter that will be opened “upon my demise.”]
The second kind, which focuses on encouraging good behavior, and speaks in general terms of how bad bad-choices are, this can be said over and over in one’s lifetime since it doesn’t point to specific flaws but encourages goodness.
Since Moshe was focusing, in a significant way, on the sins of Israel over the course of their time in the wilderness (over the next 10 chapters, he will touch upon the spies, the golden calf, the many complaints, the various times they wanted to return to Egypt, etc), this rebuke is most fitting for the end of his life.
Rabbi Zukerman notes that this is an important lesson for all generations. The best kind of rebuke (of the former variety) comes from someone who is close to death, who is already humbling oneself in preparation for coming face to face with the Almighty in final judgment.
Anyone who delivers the other kind of rebuke, who speaks in code and who is only looking to encourage goodness must do so tempered, without anger, with empathy, and with encouragement.
We can take many lessons from this insight.
First, Ksav Sofer’s insight about human nature has much truth. While we all know we are not immortal and will not live forever, we tend not to think about that reality for most of life. I have had two people contact me recently telling me they’d like to preside at their funeral. These conversations are a little uncomfortable, but at the same time, God bless people who are facing reality (though I always bless that this ‘service’ shouldn’t be needed for a long time!) and are preparing as much as they can.
I have sadly found this to be particularly true in seeing inspiring videos of certain IDF officers who were encouraging the men under their command before going out to their task. Finding out afterwards that they fell in battle reminds us very much to heed their words about having pride in being a Jew and in defending the Jewish people, and in standing for what is right. No Jew wants to fight. But our people fight when our enemy wants to destroy us. And doing so unashamedly and with the dignity of the greatest fighters of Am Yisrael is only something to be proud to witness and identify with.
Second, the way a parent rebukes a child is significant, and impacts the child in ways we may be unable or unwilling to anticipate. There are jokes about how parents are the main reason for why children (of whatever age) go to therapy. But this insight about Yaakov Avinu demonstrates an awareness of when to say the thing that you feel needs to have the greatest impact – at the end of life.
There are other ways to get a message across than the straight up and blunt approach. Things said gently, with love and smile and a hug, will surely go much further than the other kind of negativity that is not accompanied by anything positive. As a friend of mine once told me, all his kids need to hear from him is how proud he is of them. That simple sentiment alone can undo most bad behavior and encourage the best kind of development.
Third, giving rebuke is an art. Many people who give “musser shmuess”es (ethical rebukes) begin by saying things like, “I am not very good at giving musser” or “who am I to give musser” or “I am certainly imperfect, so far be it from me to preach about becoming more perfect.” Then they say “I am talking to myself. You are welcome to listen.”
Musser is meant to create an image of a more perfect Jew. To inspire what a Jew could be, how a person could modify one’s middos, how a person could rise to higher levels and achieve greatness, as a baal musser, as a someone who humbles oneself, as someone who can take important steps on a road to improvement.
Moshe Rabbenu delivers both types of musser in the book of Devarim. What was the most impactful to the Bnei Yisrael? It is hard to say. But surely the hard messages he shared were accepted on a different level than they might have otherwise, because Moshe keeps on saying “I will be dying and I will not be crossing the river into the Land with you.”
We are encroaching a time of year when introspection and Teshuvah are on our minds. May we merit to hear the right kind of rebuke, and may it have the impact we need to raise ourselves in our constant efforts to get closer to God.
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