The title is a quote from בן הא הא (Ben Heh Heh) at the end of Avos Chapter 5
Week of Parshat Emor (this is not related to the Parsha)
by Rabbi Avi Billet
Following the tradition to study Pirkei Avos in the weeks between Pesach and Shavuos, this week we are studying the 4th chapter, which begins with a well-known series of rhetorical questions of Ben Zoma, which are followed by atypical answers. In the interest of space I will leave out his proof texts
• Who is wise? One who learns from everyone
• Who is strong? One who overcomes his inclinations
• Who is rich? One who is happy with one’s portion (lot)
• Who is honorable? One who honors others
These answers are counterintuitive. Many people, without thinking, would answer the first questions by mentioning a top scientist or academician, and Jews will note a great rabbinic scholar. The second would go to a weight lifter, top soldier, martial arts expert, boxer, etc. The third would be the wealthiest people on earth, based on their known assets. The fourth might reference famous people who are known to be beacons of morality, or whose humility comes through despite their fame. Or perhaps a fine friend or neighbor!
Ben Zoma clearly had a different point to make, about what truly matters.
Years ago I recall reading an article written by a famous person who had gotten divorced, who acknowledged that he and his wife had grown distant, but he refused to view his 25-year marriage as a complete failure. After all, didn’t he and his wife raise exceptional children? Didn’t they have very many good times together? Didn’t they honor their marriage commitments while married? Didn’t they grow from their experiences? Didn’t they even grow from their divorce? Why toss the towel on what may very well amount to more than one quarter of one’s life? If we were to be careful with our descriptions, we might say the marriage fell apart and ended, but not that it was altogether a failure. After all, if there was learning and growth in the experience, then who is wise? One who learns from everyone, and from every life experience.
Strength comes from not pursuing a fight. Strength comes from realizing that there are more important things in life than being right all the time and every time. Strength comes from seeing that one need not be controlled by one’s inclinations, or even one’s need to declare and prove one’s genius over others. Strength comes from demonstrating humility, especially if it is against one’s nature to do so.
True wealth is a measure of the joy one finds in life. We might think the wealthy are happy. Search “Billionaire Divorce Club” to see how money apparently can’t buy happiness. While it is certainly helpful to be able to reasonably afford one’s lifestyle, some of the happiest people I have met in my life truly don’t look at dollars and cents as much as they prefer to be content with their place in life.
Which ultimately is one of the greatest measures of honor – one who is content, who doesn’t complain, who doesn’t seem to have much of an ego, who just wants to be happy, who just wants the beauty of a smile and the warmth of sincerity to shine through – that is who is honored.
Even though the program ended in February, “Rabbis Can Run” has a private Whatsapp group in which we continue to give one another chizuk to keep up the running without a specific running goal. We celebrate successes and failures. But there is one thing that is clear to all of us, and that is that as long as we are still in the game – running, no matter the distance, looking to get out and exercise with ANY personal goal is a victory. One rabbi recently shared how he had a plan to run 7 miles, which he failed to meet because his wife needed his help, and when he was finally able to go out, figuring even a mile is better than nothing he calculated his time, and went on a 5 mile run instead. Is running below your goal a failure? Or is it simply a different level of success?
I don’t follow the NBA at all. But a viral video of a player on the Bucks passed my way through Whatsapp. They had the best record in the season, but lost the first round of the playoffs four games to one. In the post-game press conference, Giannis Antetokounmpo was asked if he viewed the season as a failure. His response was this:
“Do you get a promotion every year on your job? No, right? So, every year you work is a failure? Yes or no? No. Every year you work, you work toward something—toward a goal, right?— which is to get a promotion, to be able to take care of your family, to be able to … provide a house for them or take care of your parents. You work toward a goal. It’s not a failure. It’s steps to success. There’s always steps to it. Michael Jordan played 15 years. Won six championships. The other nine years was a failure? … Exactly, so why do you ask me that question. It’s the wrong question.“There’s no failure in sports. There’s good days, bad days, some days you are able to be successful, some days you are not, some days it is your turn, some days it’s not your turn. That’s what sports is about. You don’t always win. Some other group is gonna win and this year someone else is gonna win. Simple as that. We’re gonna come back next year and try to be better, try to build good habits, try to play better … and hopefully we can win a championship. So, 50 years from 1971 to 2021 [the Bucks] didn’t win a championship, it was 50 years of failure? No it was not. There were steps to it. And we were able to win one and hopefully we can win another one.”
There have been mixed reviews on what he has said. However, the statement of “It’s the wrong question” is most important to consider in this equation because it is the wrong question. He should have been asked “Do you view your playoff efforts as a failure?” If the goal was to win the championship, which can only be accomplished in the playoffs (and not in the season), then there is failure in the playoffs. But the season?
The season was 6 months of games in which the Bucks won many games, but did not win every game. That is how it works in play. You are not supposed to win every time. Being the best during the season makes it a successful season, particularly if you are growing from the losses as well. There is a reason they don’t just give the Championship Trophy to the top seed for the playoffs, and that is because the playoffs bring a special intensity, in which anyone can win. The “upset” is quite a phenomenon for gamblers, because while less likely, it is always possible. The undefeated 2007 Patriots lost to the Giants in the Superbowl. Amazing season, failed Superbowl.
Most teams don’t win every time. The key is to pick up from defeat, learn and grow from the experience, and have the defeat (or the failure) be a part of history, but not define us forever.
Maybe it’s a question of semantics, and maybe the use of language is not entirely fair.
I know from Rabbis Can Run that you don’t look back at 6 months of effort and call it a failure just because you didn’t win the gold medal. A person can train for a marathon and only run 23 out of 26.2 miles. It might be a failure to reach the coveted number. But 23 miles is not a failure. And the months of training to get there is not a failure. Just getting to the starting line is a victory.
Ben Heh Heh’s line from the fifth chapter of Avos (the title of this essay) shows us that effort can not equal failure. Did you show up? Did you make a worthy effort? Then it is not a failure.
The journey of life is covered with goals, some of which we fail to meet. I dare hope and pray that no one looks back on a life of incompletely fulfilled dreams and views the whole life as a failure. There are going to be mini-failures along the way. But if we are growing from them, then no significant undertaking can be viewed as a failure.
And this is why Mr. Antetokounmpo was so right when he said “It’s the wrong question.” Most things are not objectively black and white. Life is a pendulum or a sine curve which goes up and down all the time. We can’t simply say that anything in its totality is a failure – we have to ask “How have we grown from this specific failure?” “What would we do differently if put in a similar situation in the future?”
Because then we are students of Ben Zoma, and we are meriting from the teaching of Ben Heh Heh. And we are growing throughout life, from all experiences, which makes our existence stories of success.
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