by Rabbi Avi Billet
After the birth of Yitzchak, we are told that Avraham made a big party ביום הגמל את יצחק. As far as Yitzchak’s age for this party, the various interpretations suggest he was either 8 days old (his Bris), 2 or 3 years old (being weaned, though see Chasam Sofer, who suggests the party for his bris took place when he was 2, even though he was circumcised at 8-days), or at the age of 13. (see here).
Each of these interpretations suggests a different age for Yishmael at the time of the tale which immediately follows, since Yishmael and Yitzchak were 14 years apart. Yishmael was either 14, 16-17, or 27 at the time when Avraham, under Sarah’s instruction, sent him and Hagar out of Avraham’s home.
Which begs the question – what was Yishmael doing that elicited such a harsh response?
Here are a number of possibilities of what took place, as told over by the commentaries: He kissed Yitzchak (Midrash Aggadah), shot arrows at him (Rashi, quoting Midrash); Immorality (based on a comparison made by Rabbi Akiva to Potiphar’s wife); Idolatry (based on a comparison to Golden Calf made by Rabbi Yishmael, picked up by Targum Yonatan); Smiled (Onkelos); mocked Yitzchak’s size and old parents (Ibn Ezra, Radak); planned to inherit (Ramban, Rashbam); mocked the celebration over Yitzchak since he (Yishmael) was the older son (while noting the rumors of Avimelekh being Yitzchak’s father) (Seforno); mocking everyone who assumed Yitzchak would inherit (Tosefta).
While it is hard to understand some of these, especially if coming from a young teenager, even if the celebration over Yitzchak took place when Yitzchak was 13, Yishmael’s being 27 begs us to wonder what his problem is – mocking his younger half-brother, or other circumstances of his life? Engaging in illicit behavior – seriously…?for someone who grew up in Avraham’s house?
Damesek Eliezer suggests an interesting possibility (albeit homiletic) based on the verse in which Avraham, after Sarah’s suggestion to banish Yishmael is approved by God, demonstrates his remorse (21:11) – “It greatly distressed Avraham, regarding his son.” What may have truly bothered Avraham is of what would become of Yishmael’s son. Granted, Yishmael did not yet have a wife, but if he is 27 he is likely much closer to marriage than if he is 14. And if he is 27, and clearly at a loss for a certain element of proper behavior, if he is removed from Avraham’s household, and Avraham has less say about who he marries, and if he will not be raising his children in a space within Avraham’s influence, what would become of them?
Rabbi Scheinbaum (19th series of Peninim Al HaTorah) opens this possibility of a message from the Torah as a reminder to parents to never rest on their laurels, thinking that if we have provided everything to our children, given them what we felt was the right education and upbringing, that we can be confident that the future of our children/grandchildren is secure and guaranteed.
It is far more necessary to cultivate the strengths and the direction to which each child is personally headed (a far more grueling task than we may be prepared for), so that each child, al pi darko or darkah (based on their own proclivities) will be best prepared to navigate a life of Torah and mitzvos, as personally defined as possible based on one’s natural tastes and inclinations.
If Yishmael was 27, this would surely help us understand the urgency of Avraham’s concerns, rather than were we contemplating the other extreme behaviors as having been attributed to a teenager.
But there is another interpretation that ought to be considered as well, and that is the concern raised by Rabbi Avraham ben HaRambam. Sarah’s concern for Yishmael’s behavior was that he was indeed fooling around, but what he was actually doing was far less a concern than the simple fact that he was wasting time.
There are so many things we can do wrong, but with Teshuvah or other rectifications, there is a chance to undo whatever harm came from negative behaviors. But wasting time, purposely being either idle or simply not using time in a productive fashion, can never be undone. We can’t get back the time that was wasted.
So now we must ask whether any of these possibilities is deserving of banishment?
Perhaps this is a difference between a mother and father, or perhaps it was simply the difference between Sarah and Avraham.
Sarah said “Banish this maid and her son, for the child of this maid will not be inheriting with my son, with Yitzchak.” This might indicate that Hagar was similarly involved in having some kind of negative influence on Yitzchak, and Sarah wanted NONE OF IT to be around Yitzchak. If, for example, the whole point of Yishmael’s existence was because Sarah could not produce a child, now that Yitzchak had been born, the need for Yishmael to remain in her house was non-existent in her eyes. And if he was only preventing Yitzchak from reaching his full potential, how much moreso was his presence not only unnecessary but harmful. And since Hagar, who already had a negative track record with Sarah, was doing nothing to stop Yishmael, in Sarah’s eyes both of them needed to go.
As the saying goes, “Let the boy follow his mother.” Who Yishmael’s father was, at this point in time, was arguably irrelevant to Sarah on account of her top concerns, which were Yitzchak’s physical and spiritual wellbeing.
Avraham, on the other hand, couldn’t conceive of letting go of his son. Up until the birth of Yitzchak, for 14 years, everything Avraham had he put into cultivating Yishmael as his heir. When he was told about Yitzchak’s pending birth, Avraham’s response was essentially, “I don’t need a son, I have a son. Yishmael is sufficient!” (see 17:18)
This is not to say that Avraham didn’t want Yitzchak or love Yitzchak, or that he didn’t view Yitzchak as his “main” son. It is simply that Avraham was not prepared to give up on Yishmael so quickly and so easily.
This is likely why Chazal tell us that every time Avraham has a נער (lad) helping him, it is Yishmael, because he never lost the connection. And of course, Yishmael will ultimately be at Avraham’s funeral, and will be described as dying with גויעה, the form of death that Rashi says is reserved for the righteous.
Who was right – Sarah or Avraham? It’s an unfair question. Sarah was right for what was best for Yitzchak. Avraham was right in not being ready to give up on his son. No matter how far he may have strayed.
What we learn from these perspectives is that some (many) decisions in life are complicated! It is hoped that we can be granted siyata dishmaya – help from Heaven – in making the right decisions. And always remember that if decisions we face are indeed complicated, to seek advice from people who may have more wisdom than we have, or who might simply be able to offer a perspective we have not considered, should certainly be to our benefit.
When dealing with decisions that impact the next generation or generations, we truly need siyata dishmaya, accompanied by much Tefillah that the future of our people is secure and headed in the right direction.
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