Parshat Vayeshev
by Rabbi Avi Billet
A poignant Midrash in Ruth Rabba (5:6) argues that had Reuven, Aharon and Boaz known that certain minor kindnesses they performed would be recorded in the Bible for posterity, they might have done things differently. Instead of "planning" to save Yosef, Reuven would have carried Yosef home on his shoulders. Instead of coming alone to greet Moshe on his return from Midian, Aharon would have greeted him with a band. Instead of feeding Ruth enough [grain] until she was satisfied, Boaz would have fed her fattened calves.
Perhaps we can argue that had Yehuda (Bereishit Chapter 38) and King David (Shmuel II 11-12) been aware that their bedroom faux-pas would be recorded for posterity, they would have been more discreet and might not have even succumbed to the evil temptation that caused them to sin.
Yehuda's (unbeknownst) rendezvous with his daughter-in-law Tamar is such a scandal on so many levels, yet there is nonetheless a significant attempt by Chazal (the Rabbis of yesteryear) to whitewash it. The Artscroll Chumash commentary, for example, begins this section with the title, "The moral basis for the story of the union of Tamar and Yehuda."
Suffice it to say, objectively the only moral basis for the events "at the moment they transpired" can be found in Kabbalistic works. In many respects, Tamar's role, unseemly as it looks, is given a lot more credit than Yehuda's role. Yehuda only emerges positively at the end, when he admits Tamar's righteousness, and his own error which caused her to pursue her desperate measures.
Long term, the Tanakh (Bible) vindicates the downsides of the story. Yehuda achieves kingship for his tribe, as the older child born of his union with Tamar, Peretz, continues the line to King David, the eternal father of the royal family, and of the Messiah.
Why does the Torah tell us this story, then, if it takes hundreds of years for us, the readers, to see that everything, in the long term, is really OK?
Because there is a difference between destiny and the here and now. Because there is a difference between right and wrong. And because the Torah does not hide from the truth – sometimes the truth teaches us a model lesson, and sometimes the truth teaches us what not to do.
The story of the deaths of Yehuda's sons, while tragic, informs us that the patriarchs knew of the concept of yibum (the levirate marriage). That Yehuda withheld his third son, Shelah, from wedding Tamar, may reflect negatively or positively on Yehuda, depending on one's perspective. That Tamar felt the need to have Yehuda perform the yibum may also reflect negatively or positively on her, depending on one's perspective.
Last week, one of the publications of students of Yeshiva University posted a short story online that caused quite a stir. As the plot of the story did not jive with the values of the institution, many found it offensive, and wrong to appear under the name of Yeshiva University. Some argued that "freedom of expression" should allow for objectionable content to appear. I am of the opinion that students can write what they want, but should find different venues to print particular pieces that might reflect poorly on the institution – we are, after all, referring to a Yeshiva, and an institution that represents Torah and a commitment to halakhic Judaism.
One comment on the online posting of the story in question said, "I don't understand why people are so upset. I can find much more graphic sexual activity in the tanach and that may I remind you was written by God."
This is the problem. Because "God wrote about it" means everyone has a free pass to write about these kinds of outside-of-marriage encounters? "God writing about it," so to speak, is an example of the Divine using unique judgment to share what we need to know about, and to avoid sharing the stories we need not know about.
The difference between the Torah's tales and creative writing is that the human heroes of the Bible recognized their errors, felt shame even before they were caught, and even admitted their mistakes in a public forum.
People today who engage in the sins of this variety may or may not recognize their errors, or feel shame before being caught, and rarely admit publicly that they made a mistake (the author of the story in question is "Anonymous"). Even if they personally feel they've made a mistake, they might keep it between themselves and God for the rest of their lives.
Yehuda didn't excuse his behavior either, neither blaming it on his society, culture, or even the fact that he felt lonely after the death of his wife.
Without going through moral justifications, some of the lessons that come out of the story include: the need to be truthful, to follow up on a promise, not to embarrass someone (Bava Metzia 59a), to look out for yourself, to create your own destiny, to admit your mistakes. You hope God will justify your choices in good time, but in the here and now, we must make every effort to do what's right the first time.
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Why We Read the "Arayot" on Yom Kippur
Why do we read about the arayot, forbidden relations, at mincha on Yom Kippur (Vayikra 18)?
With all the hype over being like angels, and all the hysteria driven teshuva we’ve worked at since Rosh Hashana, one would think the farthest thing from our minds is any desire for incestuous relations, or any other crossing-very-strong-borders intimacy.
Or HaChaim says this is precisely why we read this section on the holiest day of our calendar, because of all the human frailties and desires we have, the attraction of the opposite gender is so strong it is the most difficult to overcome.
As repulsive as the idea of some of the forbidden relations may be to some of us (for example, a man with his mother, step-mother, aunt, grand-daughter) Or HaChaim nevertheless points out a weakness, a human frailty, that sometimes people are attracted and drawn to the people closest to them. Most of us automatically reject such impulses, while some may have to work very hard to overcome them.
Very well. What does this have to do with Yom Kippur? On Yom Kippur I am devoted to one overarching theme: my teshuva, my tefillah, and my promise to be a better Jew.
So what gives? Why on our holiest day do we read these laws?
Commentaries devote much attention to the underlying theme of this segment of the Torah. Is it all to be taken literally? How many prohibited relations are implied from the text, beyond those explicitly spelled out?
Perhaps there are three points where we can focus our attention to understand the significance to applying this reading to this specially holy day.
Firstly, the last two prohibited relations refer to homosexulaity and bestiality (18:22-23). While the treatment of individuals who practice such is a hot-topic these days (see my father's contribution to that discussion here), the Torah clearly forbids such behavior in the strongest terms.
Secondly, the two forbidden relationships prior to these do not deal with internal family members. They refer to the forbidden relations of a man with any woman during her state of niddah/menstruation (and a woman with any man while she is a niddah), and the prohibition against having an adulterous affair with one’s neighbor’s wife. (18:19-20)
There are rules we are meant to follow. [Here is a nice overview to the laws of sexuality in general] While the desire a man has for his aunt may be a non-issue, there are elements of our society in which we develop a familiarity with our friends’ spouses that go beyond a general cordiality. While it may seem harmless enough, it can be entirely inappropriate. It is important to be friend-LY and to treat all humans with respect, but the degree to which we take such friendliness can be the source of problems. As much as we think some “acceptable” social etiquettes are harmless, one never knows what a single crossed boundary can lead to. [I won't post links here, but it is frightening what you can find when you google "slept with best friend's wife."]
The laws of niddah as practiced between spouses are extremely important. [See here, click "conduct while niddah" on the toolbar] - While the mikvehs are used regularly, thank God, the fact remains that the laws surrounding the relationship of the husband and wife during the niddah time are among the few we face regularly that carry a punishment of karet, excision from the Jewish people, along with them if not followed.
The last point is the final message of Vayikra chapter 18. All of these prohibitions are to be avoided because they smack of the behavior of the people of ancient Egypt and Canaan.
In other words, where the pervading elements of “culture” say sexuality, the most base human desire, should be free, rampantly immoral, no holds barred, everything goes, this model serves only one purpose: to destroy everything an upstanding culture can stand for. When even government leaders (other than financial corruption, I think sex-scandals are the top items that ruin political careers (unless your name is Bill Clinton)) and every "role model" (such as sports figures and celebrities) are involved in sex scandals, we see how “advanced” our culture is. We can accomplish whatever we want. But adults still can not control the most basic human desire – overcoming the desire for such prowess is undeniably a very big challenge.
On Yom Kippur, when we do feel our holiest, we are compared to angels. But at our core, we are still humans and we need to be reminded that Yom Kippur is already in its waning hours. Mincha time is our last hurrah before we are swept into the power of Ne’ilah. We need to be reminded that our most basic desires, be they repulsive or repressed, can be dangerous.
We need to know there are very important rules that govern how we live. We need to know we are meant to be a model of a higher order, that we are supposed to march to the beat of our own drum. We do not have to accept social norms, just because society thinks they are normal.
This relates to how we dress all the time, how we relate to our friends and their spouses.
The reading specifically focuses on the immoral relations because they are presumed, as Or HaChaim says, to be the hardest to overcome. Hopefully, if we can take the lesson of God’s last “Hurrah” to us through the Torah portion we read on Yom Kippur afternoon, we will merit to overcome all desires, difficult and easy, so we can come to next Yom Kippur with a confidence that we have a much cleaner slate than the one we enter Yom Kippur with today.
With all the hype over being like angels, and all the hysteria driven teshuva we’ve worked at since Rosh Hashana, one would think the farthest thing from our minds is any desire for incestuous relations, or any other crossing-very-strong-borders intimacy.
Or HaChaim says this is precisely why we read this section on the holiest day of our calendar, because of all the human frailties and desires we have, the attraction of the opposite gender is so strong it is the most difficult to overcome.
As repulsive as the idea of some of the forbidden relations may be to some of us (for example, a man with his mother, step-mother, aunt, grand-daughter) Or HaChaim nevertheless points out a weakness, a human frailty, that sometimes people are attracted and drawn to the people closest to them. Most of us automatically reject such impulses, while some may have to work very hard to overcome them.
Very well. What does this have to do with Yom Kippur? On Yom Kippur I am devoted to one overarching theme: my teshuva, my tefillah, and my promise to be a better Jew.
So what gives? Why on our holiest day do we read these laws?
Commentaries devote much attention to the underlying theme of this segment of the Torah. Is it all to be taken literally? How many prohibited relations are implied from the text, beyond those explicitly spelled out?
Perhaps there are three points where we can focus our attention to understand the significance to applying this reading to this specially holy day.
Firstly, the last two prohibited relations refer to homosexulaity and bestiality (18:22-23). While the treatment of individuals who practice such is a hot-topic these days (see my father's contribution to that discussion here), the Torah clearly forbids such behavior in the strongest terms.
Secondly, the two forbidden relationships prior to these do not deal with internal family members. They refer to the forbidden relations of a man with any woman during her state of niddah/menstruation (and a woman with any man while she is a niddah), and the prohibition against having an adulterous affair with one’s neighbor’s wife. (18:19-20)
There are rules we are meant to follow. [Here is a nice overview to the laws of sexuality in general] While the desire a man has for his aunt may be a non-issue, there are elements of our society in which we develop a familiarity with our friends’ spouses that go beyond a general cordiality. While it may seem harmless enough, it can be entirely inappropriate. It is important to be friend-LY and to treat all humans with respect, but the degree to which we take such friendliness can be the source of problems. As much as we think some “acceptable” social etiquettes are harmless, one never knows what a single crossed boundary can lead to. [I won't post links here, but it is frightening what you can find when you google "slept with best friend's wife."]
The laws of niddah as practiced between spouses are extremely important. [See here, click "conduct while niddah" on the toolbar] - While the mikvehs are used regularly, thank God, the fact remains that the laws surrounding the relationship of the husband and wife during the niddah time are among the few we face regularly that carry a punishment of karet, excision from the Jewish people, along with them if not followed.
The last point is the final message of Vayikra chapter 18. All of these prohibitions are to be avoided because they smack of the behavior of the people of ancient Egypt and Canaan.
In other words, where the pervading elements of “culture” say sexuality, the most base human desire, should be free, rampantly immoral, no holds barred, everything goes, this model serves only one purpose: to destroy everything an upstanding culture can stand for. When even government leaders (other than financial corruption, I think sex-scandals are the top items that ruin political careers (unless your name is Bill Clinton)) and every "role model" (such as sports figures and celebrities) are involved in sex scandals, we see how “advanced” our culture is. We can accomplish whatever we want. But adults still can not control the most basic human desire – overcoming the desire for such prowess is undeniably a very big challenge.
On Yom Kippur, when we do feel our holiest, we are compared to angels. But at our core, we are still humans and we need to be reminded that Yom Kippur is already in its waning hours. Mincha time is our last hurrah before we are swept into the power of Ne’ilah. We need to be reminded that our most basic desires, be they repulsive or repressed, can be dangerous.
We need to know there are very important rules that govern how we live. We need to know we are meant to be a model of a higher order, that we are supposed to march to the beat of our own drum. We do not have to accept social norms, just because society thinks they are normal.
This relates to how we dress all the time, how we relate to our friends and their spouses.
The reading specifically focuses on the immoral relations because they are presumed, as Or HaChaim says, to be the hardest to overcome. Hopefully, if we can take the lesson of God’s last “Hurrah” to us through the Torah portion we read on Yom Kippur afternoon, we will merit to overcome all desires, difficult and easy, so we can come to next Yom Kippur with a confidence that we have a much cleaner slate than the one we enter Yom Kippur with today.
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