Sotah-So-Good For Marriage?

Parshat Naso

by Rabbi Avi Billet

R. Shalom Isaac Mizrachi (Divrei Shalom Responsa YD 9) was asked a question: If a person slaughtered an animal but did not cover the blood, is the meat of the animal permitted to be eaten?

He begins his answer quoting the Shulchan Arukh, who says there is a mitzvah to cover the blood (based on Vayikra 17:13), and the Rama who says that mitzvah is separate from the valid slaughtering which is still good even if he deliberately did not cover the blood.

            

As in any good responsa where the Shulchan Arukh is the tip of the iceberg, he goes on for pages and pages. He distinguishes between this case and circumstances which arise in the Torah in which an antidote is prescribed for a problem.

            

A slaughtered animal is permitted to be eaten regardless of whether one followed or violated the mitzvah to cover the blood. However, a person would remain 'tameh' forever had we not had a mitzvah of the Parah Adumah (Red Heifer). He goes on to say that if we did not have the mitzvah of the Sotah drink (Bamidbar 5 – our parsha), peace would never be attainable for a husband and wife living under a cloud of suspicion and jealousy. The doubts of faithlessness would be enough to force a mandated separation.

            

As he develops the comparison between covering the blood of the slaughtered animal against the Parah Adumah equation and the Sotah, he further distinguishes between the former and the latter two cases. Without the covering of the blood, one can still derive benefit from the slaughtered animal. But it is only with the ashes of the Red Heifer that one derives the benefit of becoming 'tahor.' It is only with the Sotah drink that one derives the benefit of achieving the peace in the home that comes from the divine clarification that leads to a clear conscience.

            

In explaining how he derives these comparisons from the words of Rashi, the Divrei Shalom says, "Had we not been commanded about the Sotah drink (literally 'the dirt of Sotah' which is dissolved in the drink) there would not be peace between husband and wife."

            

This final formulation is a little different than before. Earlier he suggested that peace would not be attainable under the circumstance of suspicion, and now he is suggesting that peace would be impossible in general, were the mitzvah of Sotah not in the books.

            

Is he suggesting that the possibility of undergoing the Sotah embarrassment is meant to be a deterrent? That knowing that "a mere suspicion of faithlessness could be enough to possibly end a marriage" would cause people to be scrupulously attentive to their spouses and to behave in a manner that is, at all times, above suspicion?

Was Sotah, like the mitzvah of the rebellious son (Devarim 21:18-21), which the Talmud (Sanhedrin 71a) claims never happened, a ritual placed in the Torah as a warning and deterrent, simply for us to learn the lesson of how to and how not to behave?

Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai abolished the Sotah ritual (Sotah 47a) because, as the Talmud suggests, it did not serve very well as a deterrent during his time.

Nowadays, the idea of Sotah seems so anachronistic, on the one hand, and so chauvinistic on the other. And yet I wonder what such a deterrent would do for marriages today.

There are different ways people look at marriage. Some go into it and are committed to stick with it through thick and thin. Some have a very special relationship built on a mutual respect, a shared vision of a life, and the ability to communicate well with one another. Some view it as a commitment that will last as long as it feels right. Some might even assume that they will one day become a statistic.

We don't have the Sotah ritual, but we live in a world in which faithlessness can't hide forever, only to be exposed in some divine ritual. It eventually comes out. And the inevitable exposé doesn't stop those (men or women) who will not respect their marriages.

But maybe there is something to a deterrent of some kind. If Rabbi Mizrachi is correct that peace would be impossible for husbands and wives to achieve without the Sotah ritual being "out there," there are grounds to say that a good number of people will heed the "warning" and will view their marriage commitment as sacred. The "Shalom Bayit" – peace in the home – they will achieve will be elevated by their efforts to renew their love and kinship on a regular basis. They will see only one another, and will never even be tempted to see if there's someone better out there. And any attempt of the yetzer hara (Evil Inclination) will be scornfully turned aside, because "There is none more beautiful in my eyes, or more appropriate for me than the one to whom I am married."

May we merit to think of the Sotah ritual in this way, as an encouragement to find and bring out the best in our spouses so that our marriages can be elevated in the Bayit Neeman B'Yisrael we are all blessed at our weddings to build until we reach the age of 120.

Why We Read the "Arayot" on Yom Kippur

Why do we read about the arayot, forbidden relations, at mincha on Yom Kippur (Vayikra 18)?

With all the hype over being like angels, and all the hysteria driven teshuva we’ve worked at since Rosh Hashana, one would think the farthest thing from our minds is any desire for incestuous relations, or any other crossing-very-strong-borders intimacy.

Or HaChaim says this is precisely why we read this section on the holiest day of our calendar, because of all the human frailties and desires we have, the attraction of the opposite gender is so strong it is the most difficult to overcome.

As repulsive as the idea of some of the forbidden relations may be to some of us (for example, a man with his mother, step-mother, aunt, grand-daughter) Or HaChaim nevertheless points out a weakness, a human frailty, that sometimes people are attracted and drawn to the people closest to them. Most of us automatically reject such impulses, while some may have to work very hard to overcome them.

Very well. What does this have to do with Yom Kippur? On Yom Kippur I am devoted to one overarching theme: my teshuva, my tefillah, and my promise to be a better Jew.

So what gives? Why on our holiest day do we read these laws?

Commentaries devote much attention to the underlying theme of this segment of the Torah. Is it all to be taken literally? How many prohibited relations are implied from the text, beyond those explicitly spelled out?

Perhaps there are three points where we can focus our attention to understand the significance to applying this reading to this specially holy day.

Firstly, the last two prohibited relations refer to homosexulaity and bestiality (18:22-23). While the treatment of individuals who practice such is a hot-topic these days (see my father's contribution to that discussion here), the Torah clearly forbids such behavior in the strongest terms.

Secondly, the two forbidden relationships prior to these do not deal with internal family members. They refer to the forbidden relations of a man with any woman during her state of niddah/menstruation (and a woman with any man while she is a niddah), and the prohibition against having an adulterous affair with one’s neighbor’s wife. (18:19-20)

There are rules we are meant to follow. [Here is a nice overview to the laws of sexuality in general] While the desire a man has for his aunt may be a non-issue, there are elements of our society in which we develop a familiarity with our friends’ spouses that go beyond a general cordiality. While it may seem harmless enough, it can be entirely inappropriate. It is important to be friend-LY and to treat all humans with respect, but the degree to which we take such friendliness can be the source of problems. As much as we think some “acceptable” social etiquettes are harmless, one never knows what a single crossed boundary can lead to. [I won't post links here, but it is frightening what you can find when you google "slept with best friend's wife."]

The laws of niddah as practiced between spouses are extremely important. [See here, click "conduct while niddah" on the toolbar] - While the mikvehs are used regularly, thank God, the fact remains that the laws surrounding the relationship of the husband and wife during the niddah time are among the few we face regularly that carry a punishment of karet, excision from the Jewish people, along with them if not followed.

The last point is the final message of Vayikra chapter 18. All of these prohibitions are to be avoided because they smack of the behavior of the people of ancient Egypt and Canaan.

In other words, where the pervading elements of “culture” say sexuality, the most base human desire, should be free, rampantly immoral, no holds barred, everything goes, this model serves only one purpose: to destroy everything an upstanding culture can stand for. When even government leaders (other than financial corruption, I think sex-scandals are the top items that ruin political careers (unless your name is Bill Clinton)) and every "role model" (such as sports figures and celebrities) are involved in sex scandals, we see how “advanced” our culture is. We can accomplish whatever we want. But adults still can not control the most basic human desire – overcoming the desire for such prowess is undeniably a very big challenge.

On Yom Kippur, when we do feel our holiest, we are compared to angels. But at our core, we are still humans and we need to be reminded that Yom Kippur is already in its waning hours. Mincha time is our last hurrah before we are swept into the power of Ne’ilah. We need to be reminded that our most basic desires, be they repulsive or repressed, can be dangerous.

We need to know there are very important rules that govern how we live. We need to know we are meant to be a model of a higher order, that we are supposed to march to the beat of our own drum. We do not have to accept social norms, just because society thinks they are normal.

This relates to how we dress all the time, how we relate to our friends and their spouses.

The reading specifically focuses on the immoral relations because they are presumed, as Or HaChaim says, to be the hardest to overcome. Hopefully, if we can take the lesson of God’s last “Hurrah” to us through the Torah portion we read on Yom Kippur afternoon, we will merit to overcome all desires, difficult and easy, so we can come to next Yom Kippur with a confidence that we have a much cleaner slate than the one we enter Yom Kippur with today.