"Now I Know"...? Where Have You Been?

Parshat Lekh Lekha

by Rabbi Avi Billet

Rabbi Menachem Recanati, the 13th century Italian commentator, quotes the Zohar in making what is seemingly a bizarre claim: that until Avraham was circumcised, he was never intimate with Sarah. (17:1) This theory is premised in the idea that the foreskin is a barrier to an element of spiritual fulfillment that is “impossible” for the uncircumcised male to achieve. Sarah’s awareness of this reality, long before her husband was given any commandment, caused her to see her marriage as a spiritual one and to never seek a physical connection with her husband.

 This would explain very simply why Sarah was so insistent that Avraham take an Egyptian woman in order to father a child (at least ten years into their marriage and 14 years before his circumcision) and why Avraham and Sarah are married for at least 25 years without children.

Their relationship also teaches us important lessons about what true knowledge is.

 Earlier in the parsha, Avraham makes a strange declaration. As he and Sarah (Avram and Sarai at the time) are heading to Egypt to find food during a famine, he declares, “Now I know (Hinei Na Yadati) that you are a beautiful woman.” (12:11)

 Avraham has been married to Sarah for some time and only now he realizes she is beautiful? How could this be? Radak gives a simple answer, that “Hinei Na” is simply how people spoke. It’s not like this was a revelation that had been undetected before. And Chizkuni says the verse should be read like this: “I know that since you are a beautiful woman, when the Egyptians see you they'll….”

 Aside from that, each of the many explanations given has its own lesson attached to it. A good challenge is to take the interpretation you like and develop an applied lesson on your own.

 We are going to a nation where your beauty surpasses all they (the locals) have ever seen (Midrash Aggadah); Avraham never looked at her before (perhaps following the Zohar’s approach) (Baba Batra 16a) and first noticed her beauty when they crossed a river on their way to Egypt (Tanchuma); She fell in the river and he helped her wring out the clothes she was still wearing, thereby seeing her leg for the first time (Midrash Aggadah); a person normally becomes weary from the road, yet she was still beautiful (Pesikta); now that they’d traveled to so many places, and Avraham had met many people to compare to his wife, he realizes how amazingly beautiful she truly is and appreciates how special she is (Pesikta); this was the first time he needed to be concerned about her beauty, safetywise, due to where they were going (Rashi); specifically because they were going to a kingdom where beautiful women were abducted by the king, he expressed his innermost feelings (Ramban).

 When the Talmud (BB 16a) says Avraham never looked at his wife, it says “Lo havei Yada Lah,” which means he didn’t know her. We can understand in the literal sense, that perhaps they married hardly knowing one another. This is common practice even today, in communities where couples go on a few dates, they get a good feeling, it seems like it can work, and they spend a lifetime getting to know one another. In a healthy, beautiful way.

 On the other hand, following a certain theme, and knowing that the Biblical term “knowing” sometimes refers to marital intimacy, it could be the Talmud is confirming the words of the Zohar with which we started.

 Particularly if we view the forefathers as human beings (albeit extraordinary ones) it is still very difficult to come to grips with the Zohar and the Talmud. It is hard to imagine a life and a marriage dedicated completely to spiritual endeavors and pursuits, without a physical component.

 Which is why I like to think, rationally perhaps, and following Radak and Chizkuni, that there wasn’t as much depth in what Avraham was saying as we like to read into it.

 However, we must take note that Avraham also uses the word “yodea,” when he says “Honei na yadati” – now I know something which may or may not have been apparent before. The ability to make such a statement comes from a tremendous awareness of self.

 We live in a time when many people “know” everything. Social media, one of the greatest blessings and ills of our time, is a great example of this. News gets out in a flash, and everyone has an opinion, knows all the details, becomes judgmental, figures everything out, knows the flaws of the other guy (because, as each contributor notes to oneself, “I am perfect, hilarious, and always right, while the other guy is a ____”) But while knowledge is power, the display of arrogance that often comes across with all of this, typically indicates a lack of knowledge.

 And so the lessons we can learn from Avraham’s declaration and marriage are many. Let us focus on three of them.

•  A marriage can not only be a physical marriage. Avraham and Sarah had a spiritual marriage, which transcended material challenges. Being on the same page in their relationship with God helped their marriage survive many obstacles. 
•  Marriage contains two kinds of “yedia” – knowing. One is the Biblical knowing of intimacy, in which two people connect and appreciate one another in a personal and private way. The other is the knowing which comes from spending time with one another, and getting to know one another as the unique individual with the unique experience each has in life. To learn from one another, to grow in caring for one another. Whether it was, as Rashi calls it, a “mayseh” (event – probably referring to the water event mentioned above) that helped Avraham see his wife differently than before, or just the simple task of going on a journey alone to Egypt, without their followers, or even Nephew Lot, they just got to talk and know one another better. 
•  Finally, knowledge is not always intuitive. Knowledge which has value sometimes comes after a real thought process, which includes true inspection and true introspection. A gathering of all evidence, an awareness of one’s surroundings, a look at one’s audience, an appreciation of others and their contribution to the world. And a humility that says, I may know something, but I don’t know everything. 

 Avraham was able to say “I now know or am aware of something, that I didn’t know or was not aware of before.” Only the brightest people say this because they are able to admit that “I didn’t know all before, and I’m still learning.”  This acknowledgement is a wonderful example of Abrahamic humility

May the lessons we take serve us well in all of our relationships.

When In An Argument...

In the parsha, the forefather in question is named Avram until his name change at his circumcision. Following the adjudication of Berachot 13a, he is referred to as "Avraham" in this article.

Parshat Lekh Lekha

The King of Egypt discovers the woman he has brought into his chambers is married to a different man, and he makes all kinds of accusations. "What have you done to me? Why didn't you tell me she is your wife? Why did you say she is your sister, leading me to take her as a wife? Now – take your wife and go!" Paraoh then commanded and sent him and his wife out of the land. (12:18-20)

            

Avraham's response to this is silence. Either he is not given a chance to respond, or perhaps more likely, he recognized that responding, whether truthfully or in anger, would go nowhere. Avraham knew that having the last word was not only unnecessary, but were it be the wrong word, it may come back to bite him. After all, he did come to Egypt looking for help. He should be grateful he is going free (with many gifts!) with merely a tongue lashing.

            

The king of Sodom arrogantly tells Avraham, who has just saved him and his people at tremendous peril and self sacrifice, that Avraham should give him the POWs as he gives Avraham permission to keep the booty that is rightfully Avraham's.

Avraham does have the last word as he tells the king that he does not intend to keep anything beyond what his men have already eaten. Sometimes you need to give the swift kick and end the conversation. Especially since the gratitude should have come in the other direction – from King of Sodom towards Avraham. (14:17-24)

            

In both cases, Avraham does not have nor does he intend to pursue a longer term relationship with these kings. Though the reason for each encounter likely contributes to how Avraham chooses to deal with the person in question.

Let us look, however, at the two arguments Avraham has with people for whom he does care deeply.

          
When Avraham's shepherds argue with Lot's shepherds, Avraham is the one who intervenes saying, "Let there not be an argument between me and you, and between my shepherds and your shepherds, for we are brothers."

          
He gives Lot a very generous offer – You pick where you want to be. Stay here or pick a direction. Whatever you choose, I will go the other way. (13:8-9) That Lotchooses to go to Sodom is aseparate factor. But they part in peace and Avraham has achieved his objective.

          
After Sarah gives her maid to Avraham, demonstrating tremendous self-sacrifice and concern for her husband so he could have a son, Hagar denigrates her mistress who has been suffering with infertility for years. "I am angry at you," she says to Avraham, "because I gave you my maid, she has become pregnant, and I have become denigrated." (16:3-5)

          
It is ironic that Avraham is blamed for doing exactly what his wife told him to do. But note how he does not say, "Why are you yelling at me? It's YOUR fault! You asked for this! What do you expect of me? I did what you told me! I'm going to be the father I always wanted to be. I'm going to have a child – something you could never provide for me!"

He does say, "Here is your maid. Do to her what is best in your eyes." (16:6) Radak says Avraham did this for the sake of Shalom Bayis (to preserve peace in their home), so Sarah can feel good about herself again one day.

There is a much longer conversation to be had about how Hagar was treated in this incident. The commentaries are split over the choices made here - Ramban is critical of both Sarah and Avraham on account of her treatment of Hagar, the Riva defends them both. Radak says though we normally learn model behavior from the forefathers, here we learn how not to treat someone from the way Hagar is treated.

The question here is, do Avraham and Sarah respect one another in this exchange? It's not like with the kings where you either ignore the person or tell him off. Even more than he cared for Lot Avraham cared for his wife. And as his demonstration of compromise played out with Lot, it played out even moreso with his wife, with whom he intended to live for the rest of his life.

And it is completely in character for Avraham. Remember how he resolved the dispute with Lot. You choose. You decide. I don't need to have the last word. I don't need to be the one sitting on top, sitting on the gold mine, with the choice land or property. I want YOU to be happy. I want YOU to find peace.

It's hard to judge Sarah. She is a woman who has suffered terribly – with infertility, her maid's mistreating her, and her maid getting pregnant right away while Sarah remains barren.

But Avraham certainly teaches us a few things about the "rules of engagement" in an argument.

Ben Zoma concludes a listing of a few important rhetorical questions (Avot 4:1) by asking, "Who is honored? Who is honorable? One who gives honor to all of God's creatures." Certainly the first place to begin is with one's loved ones. Treat them with respect. Preserve their dignity at all times. Don't argue in front of other people.

A person must not say. "You were wrong and I was right. You always do this. You don't care about me. Nothing that matters to me matters to you. Your choices disgust me. I would never do the things you do, treat others the way you do, talk about myself the way you do, or think so highly of myself that I could never admit I might be wrong. But YOU. All the time – always the same. When will you ever learn?"

A person needs to think in the following way. "I am going to express my needs. What I have done, my reasoning, why I did it. I will explain where I am coming from. I will explain my choices. I will emphasize my commitment and dedication to this relationship. I care about you. I care about us. Above all, I want there to be peace between us. I want to hear your side, I want to hear your perspective, and really want us to come to a resolution."

As long as communication is done respectfully, resolution is attainable with dignity, honor, respect, and love. After all, "Who is most honored?" Those who want the best for one another, and demonstrate it through treating one another with the utmost respect.