by Rabbi Avi Billet
Rabbi Menachem Recanati, the 13th century Italian commentator, quotes the Zohar in making what is seemingly a bizarre claim: that until Avraham was circumcised, he was never intimate with Sarah. (17:1) This theory is premised in the idea that the foreskin is a barrier to an element of spiritual fulfillment that is “impossible” for the uncircumcised male to achieve. Sarah’s awareness of this reality, long before her husband was given any commandment, caused her to see her marriage as a spiritual one and to never seek a physical connection with her husband.
This would explain very simply why Sarah was so insistent that Avraham take an Egyptian woman in order to father a child (at least ten years into their marriage and 14 years before his circumcision) and why Avraham and Sarah are married for at least 25 years without children.
Their relationship also teaches us important lessons about what true knowledge is.
Earlier in the parsha, Avraham makes a strange declaration. As he and Sarah (Avram and Sarai at the time) are heading to Egypt to find food during a famine, he declares, “Now I know (Hinei Na Yadati) that you are a beautiful woman.” (12:11)
Avraham has been married to Sarah for some time and only now he realizes she is beautiful? How could this be? Radak gives a simple answer, that “Hinei Na” is simply how people spoke. It’s not like this was a revelation that had been undetected before. And Chizkuni says the verse should be read like this: “I know that since you are a beautiful woman, when the Egyptians see you they'll….”
Aside from that, each of the many explanations given has its own lesson attached to it. A good challenge is to take the interpretation you like and develop an applied lesson on your own.
We are going to a nation where your beauty surpasses all they (the locals) have ever seen (Midrash Aggadah); Avraham never looked at her before (perhaps following the Zohar’s approach) (Baba Batra 16a) and first noticed her beauty when they crossed a river on their way to Egypt (Tanchuma); She fell in the river and he helped her wring out the clothes she was still wearing, thereby seeing her leg for the first time (Midrash Aggadah); a person normally becomes weary from the road, yet she was still beautiful (Pesikta); now that they’d traveled to so many places, and Avraham had met many people to compare to his wife, he realizes how amazingly beautiful she truly is and appreciates how special she is (Pesikta); this was the first time he needed to be concerned about her beauty, safetywise, due to where they were going (Rashi); specifically because they were going to a kingdom where beautiful women were abducted by the king, he expressed his innermost feelings (Ramban).
When the Talmud (BB 16a) says Avraham never looked at his wife, it says “Lo havei Yada Lah,” which means he didn’t know her. We can understand in the literal sense, that perhaps they married hardly knowing one another. This is common practice even today, in communities where couples go on a few dates, they get a good feeling, it seems like it can work, and they spend a lifetime getting to know one another. In a healthy, beautiful way.
On the other hand, following a certain theme, and knowing that the Biblical term “knowing” sometimes refers to marital intimacy, it could be the Talmud is confirming the words of the Zohar with which we started.
Particularly if we view the forefathers as human beings (albeit extraordinary ones) it is still very difficult to come to grips with the Zohar and the Talmud. It is hard to imagine a life and a marriage dedicated completely to spiritual endeavors and pursuits, without a physical component.
Which is why I like to think, rationally perhaps, and following Radak and Chizkuni, that there wasn’t as much depth in what Avraham was saying as we like to read into it.
However, we must take note that Avraham also uses the word “yodea,” when he says “Honei na yadati” – now I know something which may or may not have been apparent before. The ability to make such a statement comes from a tremendous awareness of self.
We live in a time when many people “know” everything. Social media, one of the greatest blessings and ills of our time, is a great example of this. News gets out in a flash, and everyone has an opinion, knows all the details, becomes judgmental, figures everything out, knows the flaws of the other guy (because, as each contributor notes to oneself, “I am perfect, hilarious, and always right, while the other guy is a ____”) But while knowledge is power, the display of arrogance that often comes across with all of this, typically indicates a lack of knowledge.
And so the lessons we can learn from Avraham’s declaration and marriage are many. Let us focus on three of them.
- A marriage can not only be a physical marriage. Avraham and Sarah had a spiritual marriage, which transcended material challenges. Being on the same page in their relationship with God helped their marriage survive many obstacles.
- Marriage contains two kinds of “yedia” – knowing. One is the Biblical knowing of intimacy, in which two people connect and appreciate one another in a personal and private way. The other is the knowing which comes from spending time with one another, and getting to know one another as the unique individual with the unique experience each has in life. To learn from one another, to grow in caring for one another. Whether it was, as Rashi calls it, a “mayseh” (event – probably referring to the water event mentioned above) that helped Avraham see his wife differently than before, or just the simple task of going on a journey alone to Egypt, without their followers, or even Nephew Lot, they just got to talk and know one another better.
- Finally, knowledge is not always intuitive. Knowledge which has value sometimes comes after a real thought process, which includes true inspection and true introspection. A gathering of all evidence, an awareness of one’s surroundings, a look at one’s audience, an appreciation of others and their contribution to the world. And a humility that says, I may know something, but I don’t know everything.
Avraham was able to say “I now know or am aware of something, that I didn’t know or was not aware of before.” Only the brightest people say this because they are able to admit that “I didn’t know all before, and I’m still learning.” This acknowledgement is a wonderful example of Abrahamic humility
May the lessons we take serve us well in all of our relationships.
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