"Stolen" Blessings

Parshat Toldot

by Rabbi Avi Billet 

            

My best teachers taught that when a question bothers you, seek from everywhere you can until you find a satisfactory answer. This is one of the reasons why I have found real Chumash questions to be much better answered when learning what all the commentaries say, versus through just reading Rashi or Ramban. One of my rebbeim used to mock the idea that there could be a class on "Ramban Al HaTorah." As if to suggest that one commentary is the end-all in studying Chumash.

            

Please don't misunderstand. Every commentary has an approach, and every commentary can only write so much. This is more of a reminder to look beyond a small circle of learning and try to glean the full picture. And perhaps even come up with a novel interpretation – a chiddush!

            

An objective observer can't help feeling sorry for Eisav, standing and then perhaps falling to his knees before his father after being informed that his brother Yaakov has already come and taken the coveted blessings of the firstborn.

            

It's a sad, almost pathetic scene, in which a grown man, age 63, is weeping before his 123 year old father, screaming, crying, throwing the biggest fit, before resorting to threats to kill his brother when the old man dies.

            

Was Yaakov a thief and therefore in the wrong? Was Eisav wronged? Or, perhaps, are we going about this the wrong way? (Disclaimer: Ramban disagrees with most of what follows!)

            

The Hadar Zekeinim anthology notes that the way the Torah is transcribed makes the events seem consecutive, as opposed to simultaneous. In fact, at the same time that Yitzchak was lamenting his own flaws, trying to figure out how he could be duped into blessing his younger son, Eisav was thinking aloud, saying, "He took my birthright."

"Who took your birthright?" Yitzchak asked. Eisav answered, telling the story. Yitzchak now understood, and admitted that things panned out the way they were supposed to on account of that transaction from the beginning of the parsha, which until that moment had been unknown to him. And so he confirmed it, saying, "He too should be blessed."

That added line serves to support the notion that even without "tricking" his father, Yaakov was destined to receive those blessings (Rashi quoting Midrash), which Yitzchak upholds for a few reasons: because he's my son; because I said that whoever curses him is cursed and whoever blesses him is blessed; because he still had the taste of the food in his mouth, (or perhaps a piece of meat loosened from between his teeth). How inappropriate is it to curse someone while you are still enjoying the food they gave you? (Rabbi Chaim Paltiel)

[Perhaps that is a hint to Eisav not to curse Yaakov… a hint which goes right over his head.]

Taking Toldot Yitzchak's explanation of Eisav's complaint one could suggest Yitzchak felt vindicated on account of his unknowingly (or knowingly?) naming his younger son Yaakov instead of "Akev" (for holding Eisav's heel at birth). The name "Yaakov" was essentially given prophetically, because it is a future tense word, indicating he will one day pull a roundabout move on his brother.

Rashbam suggests Yitzchak realized the whole affair was Rivkah's idea, on account of her knowing that Yaakov was the son more worthy to receive the blessings.

            

Yitzchak even explains to Eisav, "I gave him the blessing before you arrived" indicating that it was heaven's decree that you should be delayed just long enough. Remember – it was just as Yaakov was leaving that Eisav walked in – really split second timing. (Midrash Sechel Tov and Radak))

            

Radak even paints Yitzchak as an accessory to the plot when he explains Yitzchak's trembling not as a fearful regret, but as a “show” for Eisav, an indication that he was upset, so Eisav would not perceive that his father was really in on the plot.

            

Kli Yakar examines the whole story noting that it is only Eisav who accuses Yaakov of stealing. (Yitzchak calls it "cunning.") However, did he not sell the birthright willingly? How is Eisav's moment of weakness - from almost 50 years earlier denigration-of-the-birthright Yaakov's fault?

            

Eisav was suggesting that the taking of the birthright was connected directly to this. When Yaakov was asked "Who are you?" He never could have "I am Eisav your firstborn" had he not made the purchase. He must have really said, "I am in the place of your firstborn Eisav, for I purchased the birthright from him," and without that purchase, he never would have tried to take the blessings.

            

Eisav further thought, "Maybe when Yaakov bought the birthright his intent was to steal the blessings." (Almost sounds like a ‘Zionist plot!’)

            

Eisav is therefore blaming Yaakov, suggesting that the birthright sale was a "Mekach Taus" a transaction made with faulty information. Eisav had originally thought it was purely a financial windfall – getting the double portion. Eisav thought at the time that his father might die penniless, so he sold the birthright for little money, thinking it was better to cash in at that time, not realizing that the birthright also included blessings!

            

Yaakov said "I am Eisav your firstborn" instead of just, "I am Eisav" because it is only on account of the birthright that these blessings were coming to him – and that is why he was able to take them.

            

In Eisav’s mind, the trickery is that “he took the birthright in the first place, because I had no idea that these blessings were for the birthright holder, and not for the natural first born.”

            

Ktav V'Hakabalah blames Eisav for accusing Yaakov of "taking" the birthright, when the truth was that they had a legitimate transaction. It was his own fault for denigrating and essentially making the birthright worthless, leaving it open for Yaakov to claim as his own.

            

Some view this as rewriting history, and some say, "Look at the whole picture." Far be it from us to lay the blame squarely on Yaakov, or even Rivkah, who sets him up, when Eisav was as much to blame for all that transpired the moment he indicated the birthright meant nothing to him.

Shidduch Resumes

Parshat Chayei Sarah

by Rabbi Avi Billet

I've heard it said a number of times that were Yitzchak and Rivkah alive today, there is no way they'd get married.

One can only imagine the report Avraham, "the gadol hador," would receive from his servant, the shadchan (matchmaker), after he interviewed Rivkah for the first time. "Family: Unrepentant idolators (father tried to kill me during our meeting), incorrigible brother; Girl: Very confident, thinks for herself, knows what she wants, a little on the young side."

For Yitzchak, it might read something like this: "Family: Mother dead, Father very old. Very God-fearing. Boy: 40 years old, still lives at home (possibly lives in the Negev), not very talkative, no real-world experience except for the time his father almost offered him as a sacrifice."

Rivkah resembled the very confident women I sometimes read about, who are so intimidating in their self-awareness that they never marry. Some women like this were married before they became what they are – following the advice of my grandmother who believes people should get married younger, before they become too smart for themselves.

To be fair, I know of a few successful, professional, "frum" women who were unable to find spouses (not that they didn't try), who opted to have a child through IVF in their mid to late 30s. This decision comes about after a thought process that includes, "I am not going to give up my chance of having a baby, just because I was unable to find a husband."

I will not pass judgment on either type. All kinds of permutations play into the lives people live and the choices they make (and this applies to men too – except they don't have the opportunity to give birth).

But I think Rivkah's choice to go with Avraham's servant was a coda to a wonderful first impression she gave him. And, in a sense, the timing was perfect for her to go to marry Yitzchak, because as confident and self-aware as she was, she was young enough to recognize that marriage was something she wanted, and that the opportunity she had before her may have been a once-in-a-lifetime chance to leave her surroundings and join what would undoubtedly become a great nation. In 24:49, the servant said if she wouldn't come, he would look elsewhere.

In Rivkah's case, the situation played out poetically. Avraham's servant felt that after her father and brother said "This is from God" (24:50) it was a done deal. All he needed to do was go. And so he was a bit surprised at the hesitation on the part of her family when he begged permission to leave with Rivkah.

Her brother and mother replied, '[At least] let the girl remain with us for another year or ten [months]. Then she can go.' (24:55)

He persisted that he must be on his way.

They replied "Let's call the girl and ask her personally." They summoned Rivkah and said to her, 'Do you want to go with this man?' 'I will go,' she replied. (24:57-58)

The implications of these comments are compelling.

The Alshikh claims they only agreed to let her go because they assumed they would be rewarded handsomely. As soon as they were merely given "migdanot" (mere gifts, or fruits), they tried their delay tactics. They didn't say "You can take her." They said "She'll go" (24:51) – implying "When she's ready, but not with you." They tried to demean him by asking Rivkah "Will you go with this man" as if he's a man undeserving of respect.

The Ta"Z adds that they were asking in a pejorative manner "Do you really want to go with this guy?" to suggest a wonder over how she might even entertain the notion. Had they been asking her opinion, they would have added the words "Im lo" (or not) as if presenting both sides of the question. Her answering "I will go" implies that she was going of her own accord, even if they did not want her to go – as Rashi suggsted.

Rashbam says they tried to suggest to her to wait a while in case a different man may come along to capture her attention. Radak posits they were even trying to be on the up-and-up when they offered to ask her in front of the servant, "…Lest you think we convinced her to stay without allowing her to share her own feelings," because they thought she wouldn't go.

Rivkah proved that one's actions and feelings and personal accomplishments are more important than any question of pedigree and "yichus."

Every couple has the right to choose how they want to live their Jewish lives, and personal journeys can play as much of a role in determining what that will look like as does their upbringing. Rivkah's qualities and personality were a good counter to the more passive Yitzchak, and served her son Yaakov well for his own dealings with Eisav and Lavan.

If my grandmother is right about young people, then I am glad Rivkah met Yitzchak at the young age she did, because had she waited… who knows if Yitzchak would have been good enough for her?

Married With Children - Sunday Morning at Temple Solel

This morning, I participated in a program for the religious school parents who brought their children to Temple Solel's Sunday morning program. Thanks to Rabbi Kurtz-Lendner for organizing the program, and of course for the introduction and for his participation.

Our topic was "Married With Children" - though we left Al Bundy and his machinations out of the equation.

Instead, our focus was on lessons to be learned from our forefathers and mothers, in the Torah portions of yesterday (Chayei Sarah) and this coming Shabbat (Toldot).

With a merging of drama and discussion, we focused on five points to be learned from the ways in which Abraham, Isaac and Rebekah raised their children.

1. Abraham makes a concerted effort to help his son find a spouse.

While most of us do not experience parental involvement in the choosing of our mate, as parents we can be involved in the process leading up to important life decisions our children make.

2. Rebekah recognizes the different nature of each child

From the time she was pregnant with her twins, she knew each one was different. Even twins can be dramatically different from each other. It is important to recognize the differences and never to assume that just because they are being raised in the same home that the same methods will work for both (or all) of them. And, of course, to relate to each child in a different way, in a way suitable to the needs of the individual child.

We compared this to the Cain and Abel story (interestingly, Esav is a farmer and Jacob is a shepherd, which are the same professions as Cain and Abel respectively). Cain and Abel each brought an offering to God: Abel's was accepted and Cain's was rejected. Abel had brought the choice of his flock, while Cain had brought secondary items.

It was not that God compared Cain's secondary offering to Abel's choice offering. Cain was compared against himself, and what he could have brought had he only cared more.

Children should never be compared to one another. They should only be measured against their own potential.

3. Isaac and Rebekah parent differently - and love their children differently

The Torah tells us that Isaac loved Esav because of the 'food he put in his mouth,' while Rebekah simply 'loved Jacob' - with no reason attached.

While a parent may "prefer" one child over another - and it also may depend on the day - it is never a good idea to express this to children. There are no favorites.

Additionally, love must be unconditional. The moment Isaac receives food from the diguised Jacob, he blesses Jacob, because he loves the bearer of food not for who he is but for what he does.

4. Isaac and Rebekah share a vision of what is best for their child

Recognizing the danger Jacob is in due to the violent tendencies of Esav (and his self-admitted plan to kill Jacob), the two parents discuss and conclude that Jacob's best bet is to go to her brother's home where he can continue his life. They know his presence will lead, minimally, to discomfort in the home, and maximally to his death. Together they come up with a plan that will work for everyone - though the amount of time he stays away (22 years) is not anticipated.

5. Subliminal Messages

One thing Esav did learn from his father is to marry at age 40. The problem is that Abraham establishd a rule for the family that the men marry women from his hometown - Charan - and not from the women of Canaan.

Esav's wives were Hittite women, and they were a tremendous source of anguish to his parents

However, when he heard that his parents did not approve of such marriages, he immediately went and married his first cousing, the daughter of Yishmael.

Sometimes a subliminal or subversive message can get the point a cross in a clearer way, such that the child gets the message without feeling the need to reject or revolt against what is being said and/or modeled in the home.

Our discussion

We had a lovely discussion between us and focused on the need to not only study, but demonstrate and explain to our children that they are not the only ones attending classes and furthering their Jewish experience and Jewish education.

This is the first ingredient in assuring Jewish continuity: creating a culture of continued learning, as we learn lessons from our ancient texts, as they speak to us in each generation.

Growing to Love

This appears in the Jewish Star

Parshat Chayei Sara
by Rabbi Avi Billet
Issue of November 13/ 26 Cheshvan 5770

Take a careful look at Bereishit 24:67. “And Yitzchak brought Rivka to his mother’s tent. He took Rivka, she became his wife, and then he loved her, and then he was comforted over the loss of his mother.”

In modern parlance, we might say “He dated her, he married her, and then he grew to love her.”

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch points out the classic beauty of the ideal Jewish home. “The more she lived as and grew into her role of being his wife, such did his love for her grow.” This, Hirsch argues, is the fundamental ingredient to a successful Jewish marriage. (And, yes, it goes both ways!)

A Jewish home is not built on lustful thoughts and feelings; it is built upon common values and similar approaches to how to live the best Jewish life, sharing an overall gestalt that serves for a harmonious existence. This intellectual and spiritual connection strengthens love, as the couple gives themselves the chance to get to know one another.

Hirsch emphasizes the marked distinction between pre-marital “love,” and the love which comes after the commitment to one another has taken complete effect. It is that commitment which becomes the fuel that drives a person to achieve and to accomplish, and ultimately to make the home a model of respect and caring behavior.

The wedding is not the pinnacle of love. It is the root which allows love to blossom. This is the difference between the Western, romantic notion of love, and love as described in the Torah.The fact that Yitzchak, a forty-year-old man, is only comforted now, three years after his elderly mother’s death, indicates not only the tremendous connection and regard a man can have for his mother, but the tremendous role a wife can play in the life of her husband.

Quoting Onkelos, Ramban explains that the love Yitzchak felt for his wife began because of her righteousness and the straightness of her deeds — things he learned of as they were living together. Could this mean that he loved her because of the things she did? Absolutely.

The Mishnah in Avot (5:16) describes two kinds of love: love which is dependent on something, and love which is dependent on nothing. If love is dependent on something, when that is lost, the love falls apart. The other kind of love never goes away.

The example the Mishnah gives of the love which can fall apart is Amnon and Tamar, two children of King David who had a very disturbing, one-sided relationship. (Samuel II:13) The other kind of love is modeled by David and his best friend, Yonatan, the son of King Shaul. As best friends who shared a vision of how each other could shine, and how they could both become leaders of Israel, all they ever wanted for each other was the very best.

A husband and wife will often begin their marriage out of love of the first kind: egotistical, what he/she can do for me, to make my life better. This is normal. In the initial stages, love based on deeds is the healthiest type of love. How does one love others just because they are there? Love, in a sense, needs to be earned. A person has to work hard to love and to be loved, to do for someone else, to be worthy of being the recipient of someone else’s true (non-lustful) affection.

Love which comes out of infatuation, or a tingly feeling a person gets, is meaningless. It doesn’t take long for that tingly feeling to go away once the excitement becomes routine, unless the love continues to derive strength from other factors. The former and the latter sentiments can best be summarized in this distinction: the difference between “I love you because you are beautiful” and “You are beautiful because I love you.”

Yitzchak is the first person in the Torah who expresses love.

And he does so with thought, with consideration, and most importantly, with time.

Yitzchak teaches us that the ideal state of love in a marriage begins when people do things for one another. This is love which is dependent upon something.

But as the two sides grow together, and create their home in such a way that they think alike, feel alike, believe alike and have common goals, their love will no longer be dependent upon anything. Their love will last till eternity as they live out their lives as the best of friends.

Age Doesn't Matter

Or does it?

There is a lot of talk in the parsha blogosphere about the age of Rivkah at her wedding.

I wrote about it last year [original post is here, and how some people disagreed (understatement) is here (note the disclaimer they add because of the inflammatory nature of the article), and another blog which picked it up is here. And the last one - to which I was the last to comment - is here - (his layout is the same as arabbiwithoutacause... :) ]

Rabbi Marc Angel wrote about it this year over here

Lessons to be Learned Are More Important

Practically speaking it does not matter if Rivkah was three at her wedding, nor does it matter how old Yitzchak was at the Akedah, nor does it matter what caused Sarah to die at age 127.

My Chayei Sarah parsha class this year focuses on these issues.

I have found numerous sources which indicate a younger Yitzchak (most likely 13 at the akedah), and older Rivkah (more likely 14 at her wedding), and that Sarah did not die at 127 from the shock of being told by an outsider that Avraham was on top of a mountain about to kill her son.

So Why Make a Big Deal?

I think that it is more important to see that there are differences of opinion, which are all legitimate, they are typically backed by talmudic or midrashic sources, and we need to open our eyes.

Many people learned something once as a child, had it reinforced over and over without ever subjecting it to real critical-thinking analysis, and have ingrained it in their psyche so deeply that a suggestion which challenges their assumptions is not only difficult to conceive, it must be labeled heretical (!) which will automatically make it meaningless, useless, and not worthy of a response.

Sounds a little like communism, no?

A Better Flavored Palate

Bear in mind that the source for the ages of 37, 3 and Sarah's death caused by news of Akedah is because all three events take place within 8 verses of each other in the Torah - the end of Chapter 22 and the beginning of Chapter 23.

With that argument, however, let us look at the end of Chapter 16 and the beginning of Chapter 17, in which Avram is first 86, and then in the very next verse he is 99.

13 years pass in the space between sentences.

Why can't we say the same thing takes place here, a quick skip of 13 years between the Akedah and the birth of Rivkah? Another 11 years or so pass before Sarah dies... Now we are talking!

If Yitzchak is 13 at the Akedah, then the test remains all about Avraham, because the agenda was hidden from Yitzchak, he could not figure it out, and the fact that Avraham is able to overpower him is not even mentioned. Yitzchak is still a child. Were he 37, his submission would be a bigger test of faith than that of his father for doing exactly what God told him. God never told Yitzchak to sacrifice himself.

If Rivkah is 14 at the time she is propositioned for marriage to Eliezer's master, then we have no problem with her carrying tons of water for camels (approximately 300 gallons), her thoughtfulness, and her family's willingness to let her go based on her own agreement. The fact that she is called a "נערה" in the Torah (a term which usually indicates an age significantly higher than 3) is no longer misunderstood.

If Sarah did not die because of the shock of the Akedah, we can reconcile why she and Avraham seem to be living in different places at the time of her death, we can understand a little better why Yitzchak is still mourning for his mother by the time Rivkah arrives (despite the fact that some midrashim suggest he went away after the at-age-37-akedah and might not have even known about his mother's death until he brought Rivkah into Sarah's tent), and we also remove from the Torah an example of someone who dies from shock.

Any person who dies in the Torah is either murdered, punished, or dies of natural causes such as old age (or to protect them from bad things that may happen). We never find an incident where "shock" causes someone's soul to exit the body.

While the incident of the Akedah may have been shocking, there are many midrashim which indicate Sarah actually met Yitzchak afterwards (meaning, hearing the news of her husband on top of the mountain with a knife in his hand did not kill her).

Other midrashim suggest she lost (depending on how you count how long she should have lived), either 38, 43 or 48 years of her life over the way she treated her husband when Hagar first became pregnant. If this is the case, her death at 127 has nothing to do with the Akedah, no matter how you slice it.

Bottom Line

Let us open our eyes to new ideas, let us learn lessons from whichever age you prefer, but to decide what is the simple meaning and explanation without fully exploring the breadth of Torah to find other approaches... Not just intellectually deceiving (to yourself), but the ultimate disservice to your growth as an educated Jew.