Shul Attendance (For Men and Women) Is All About Training
by AVI BILLET
I have seen a theme in the blogosphere over the last few days: the following blog posts are presented in (what I think
is) their chronological order – all addressing "Why Women Don't Go To
Shul." Some of these are a "view from Israel ,"
while some were penned in the United States .
Rabbi Fink (last of the
five) compared what he believes to be the reasons men go to shul with reasons
why women might as well – and he clarified for me on Facebook that he is mostly
speaking about on Shabbos. It is certainly true that some people go out of a
sense of obligation, and some go for social reasons – seeing friends,
schmoozing, drinking, the Kiddush, etc.
In this contribution to the subject (which alludes to points made in all of the posts linked above), our focus will distinguish
between weekdays and Shabbos in hopes of finding an answer to the conundrum.
Weekdays
Weekday attendance
boils down to one's training and one's M.O. as an adult. Men may
"know" they have an obligation to pray three times a day, but it is
only those that I classify as "shul guys" who actually make the regular
effort. Conflicts come up (timing, work, kids, business-travel, etc), a person
can't always make it. But the shul-guy's heart is in shul. And he is there
often.
I would bet that those
who are shul-guys have been going to shul since they were children, davening in
a minyan in school, and dragged or brought to mincha-maariv regularly. And when they were off from school, their parents had them go to shul as well. Not just
on Shabbos and Yom Tov, but Chol Hamoed, Sundays, legal holidays and winter and
summer vacations. If their families went on trips – skiing, Disney, etc., they
made an effort to either create or find a minyan.
The fact remains that
though shuls are quite active in the morning and evening hours of every
weekday, the primary attendees are men. Every now and then a young woman,
recently back from Israel
perhaps, will appear in shul. Sometimes a woman saying kaddish for a yarzeit
will make an appearance, or a woman saying kaddish for her parent might be a
regular attendee. But these are uncommon.
More often the women's
section, during the week, is either empty or occupied by (male) latecomers or
Yeshiva guys. [This is very wrong behavior because it further makes women feel
unwelcome. Shuls that are aware of this put up signs saying "Please
reserve the women's section for women."]
That women don't show
up is partially because of the excuses – and they are all legitimate: women
do not have the "obligation," those who are mothers have other
responsibilities, and there is not really a social element to the weekday
davening.* This does not explain why women who are looking to have a minyan
experience, who are not mothers of young children and do not have other
responsibilities do not come to shul. There isn't a "welcoming"
atmosphere to anyone on the weekday because of the fast pace of a
workday: those who come during the week are usually interested in davening,
yes, but in getting through it as expeditiously as possible – no wasting time,
do your business, and move on with your day.
Shabbos
There are two kinds of shuls: the kind in which women
feel comfortable, and the kind in which they do not. Certainly some shuls make
a bigger deal out of the women's section and put more efforts into making it a
respectable space for tefillah. And some completely neglect the space.
To be honest, I hear both sides. A majority of the
women I see coming to shul come for the final hour of the Shabbos morning
davening. For those who come from the beginning, they certainly deserve a
welcoming space. But for those who only come for the 1 hour per week, I
completely understand why a shul would not budget for the space (though this is
likely more of an issue in Israel
than in the US
where shuls do take the women's section into consideration, particularly when
constructing a new facility).
There are also many reasons women would not come to
shul. Some are communal (shul doesn't care, I don't like the shul atmosphere,
women are left out of the service, I don't like the way they have the mechitza,
etc); some are openly personal (no child care, too much talking, too much
shushing, etc); some are intimately personal (a widow or divorcee feels out of
place or lonely, anger with God, someone said something once, etc.); to some
women, davening may be a meaningless gesture, or something they prefer to do at
home. Where any shul can address the issue, the shul should do its best to correct the problem. Unfortunately, blaming a shul for any individual's private and very personal problems with the shul enters into the realm of "unfair."
In the shuls I have worked and prayed, women come on
Shabbos morning. Some to pray, some to talk. Some come early and daven. Some
come a little later and daven. Some come late and listen to the sermon or talk
during davening or in the hallway. I find a special irony in cases where women
wish to kiss the Torah and then talk during the Torah reading (men too, by the way). Not that all do
this, but it becomes a question of what are our priorities – an external
gesture which turns out to be meaningless (if one talks during the reading), or
an internalization of the Torah words which are publicly read? Seems to me the
latter should be the priority.
The excuse that women do not have a participatory role
in shul is, in my opinion, just an excuse. In a shul that has 100 men and 100
women, about 14 men have a role. Let's assume for a moment that the rabbi
doesn't count. 2 Gabbaim, 3 baalei tefillah (unless there is a cantor), 1 Torah
reader and 8 aliyahs. 86% of the men have the same role as the women, and yet
they come all the same. Their role is to worry about their own tefillah,
participate in whatever singing and communal responses, and make their best
effort to get close to God.
I know a number of women who are "shul-women"
and "tefillah-women." They view both experiences as very important in
their lives, they daven every day, and they go to shul on Shabbos where they
are content with their role as an actively participating member of the tzibbur –
who answers to brachot, kaddish, kedusha, and joins in communal singing. They
never need to play the speaking role of chazzan or person getting an aliyah
(which many men shy away from as well) and can go about their business without
anyone being the wiser – because davening is not about a show. It is about a
personal experience.
They probably did not have the same training as the
"shul-guys" (bottom line: attendance in shul is largely related to one's having been trained to be a shul person), and they more likely came to their shul-person status
through either positive Shabbos experiences growing up, or on account of their
own religious and soul-searching in formative years.
When people make shul about everything else (can I lead
Kabbalat Shabbat, will I get to carry the Torah, or kiss the Torah, does the
shul even make an effort to make me feel comfortable, whether it provides
childcare, a hashkamah minyan for one spouse so the other can go later), they
have many causes to complain about the roles they do not have, and how annoying
shul is.
But when people understand what the purpose of the shul experience is
supposed to be it can be rewarding no matter the circumstances, if the attitude
a person brings to shul is one that says, "I am here to have the
experience I am looking for. It is up to me to create it."
After all - אמ אין אני לי מי לי
* There is no "social element" to any
davening. You are either speaking to God, you are silent, or you are speaking
to a person. When conversing with a person, you are not davening.
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