by Rabbi Avi Billet
I recently overheard two fathers of teenagers
comparing their approaches to their sons' shul attendance on Sundays and other
"days off." One of them came to me afterwards to discuss his related
concerns about "texting on shabbos."
With a little insight from Parshat
Vayishlach, perhaps there is a simple answer to both questions. I accept that I
may be hopelessly naïve. But the stand I propose at the end of this will not
be, if followed, what turns your children away from Judaism. Much bigger issues
bring about such a result. Having said that, let us see how we can find
parenting-inspiration from our forefather Yaakov.
One theme in Vayishlach is the coming-of-age
of Yaakov's children.
Unlike in Vayetze where they appear as
backdrops in the narrative of events in Padan Aram ,
in Vayishlach, we see an entirely different story. Consider: Reuven and Bilhah,
Shimon and Levi in Shechem, all the brothers dealing with the prince of
Shechem, and Yosef being singled out as the last son to meet Eisav. Even
Dinah's experience in Shechem, while tragic, is arguably her initiation into
the "real world." The brothers, collectively, plunder the city of Shechem
and are later asked by their father to remove the idols that they have from
their midst.
Yaakov's role as parent is fascinating, at
times very active, and at times quite passive.
Immediately after dividing into two camps,
Yaakov prays to the God of his fathers (32:10-12). Through remembering his
roots in front of his children, he is demonstrating his understanding of why he
is in this situation and the expectation he has from the God Who promised to
watch over him and his children.
Whether
Yaakov was crippled (end of Ch.
32) in order that he may: experience the promise God made to him (Chizkuni), be
shown he would not be defeated (Radak), or ultimately win in a confrontation
(Yalkut Shimoni), all help Yaakov realize that you can't run from your fears.
In facing his brother with one unified camp, scrapping the two-camps plan, he
models and teaches his children that if you boldly face what you think is your
greatest fear, you may find that the only thing you really feared, if I may
borrow from FDR, was fear itself. Facing one's destiny is more important than
running like a coward.
When
his injured "gid hanasheh" prevented him from running, he became
emboldened and confronted his brother in the open field. Abstaining from eating
this nerve of an animal could be a reminder that cowardice is unbecoming of
those who are God-fearing.
Yaakov takes the sidelines in allowing his sons to deal with Shechem. They
speak "b'mirmah" – using tricks – (as did their father to Yitzchak
(see 27:35)) and they bring justice against those who defiled their sister
(34:27). Their father is disappointed in their choices, but they literally get
the final word (34:31). It seems that they take the teachings of their father –
to use trickery, to stand up to those who oppress you or who want to make your
life miserable – and they run with them. And while they may not be entirely
correct, their actions are somewhat justified by the context of the perpetrated
deed.
In the final tale, when God tells Yaakov to go to Bet-El to make an altar to
his God, Yaakov tells his sons to remove the idolatrous images they have
(35:2). They listen! They give them to him, and he buries them under a tree!
Yaakov has modeled a line of behavior for his children. They learn from his
example, they take his lead. They are not perfect, and they make choices he
doesn't like. But when he tells them to give him precious items because they
conflict with the prayers he will soon engage in, or because they don't fit in
to the mood of the household, they acquiesce – no questions asked.
Parents of children who are coming of age certainly notice the changes they go
through. Hopefully parents give children the freedom to make choices (and to
make mistakes!), but hopefully both parents and children respect one another
and have the ability to communicate with one another in general and about what
is important to them.
Claiming you don't want to make your child go
to shul for a 9am (or later!) minyan
on a Sunday because you're afraid of losing your relationship with your son
seems silly to me. Your kid davens (or attends davening) in school every day of
the week. Sunday is the day you show your kid that you daven too! And that it
isn't a day off for him or for you!
Finally, if Yaakov could convince his sons to give up golden images and jewelry
which did not jive with the home he was building, I see no reason why the
texting on shabbos "problem" is a problem. Every home can have an
"off-limits-on-Shabbos" box, and every cell phone, tablet, etc. in
the house is placed there before shabbos.
The same parents who pay their kids' cell-phone bills and give their kids
credit cards should have every say as to when the phone is on and off-limits.
Yaakov buried objects which were far more precious, for the sake of preparing
for serving the God that protected him and his family through the years.
Shabbos is the day we serve the God that has protected and sustained our
families through the years. If we are afraid of our children or can't bring
ourselves to put up simple guidelines that brings the family on the same page
in terms of prayer and Shabbos, we are doing something very wrong as parents.
Despite all the problems, "Yaakov's sons were twelve." (35:12) With
God's help, and properly standing for what "our family believes in," we
should merit to raise children who not only follow our examples for the good,
but who surpass our expectations in their observance of the Torah, their
relationships with God, and their religious experiences.
