by Rabbi Avi Billet
The verse tells us that “Yitzchak loved Eisav because he ציד בפיו and Rivkah loves Yaakov.” [I purposely did not translate tzayid b’fiv] Note that the love for Eisav is expressed in the past tense, while for Yaakov is expressed in the present tense.
Rashi’s explanation of their love being connected to the boys’ spiritual pursuits (or in Eisav’s case, his fake spiritual pursuits) is based on several Midrashim (Midrash Aggadah, Pesikta, etc.). The Shla’h notes that the love for Eisav seems to be of the contingent basis – it was attached to the things Eisav did for Yitzchak (trapping, cooking). We know from Pirkei Avos that a love which is “תלויה בדבר” (dependent on something) only lasts while that “something” is still present. If that “something” is gone, the love is gone. This is what Yitzchak seems to have had for Eisav, while Rivkah’s love for Yaakov seems to be contingent on nothing, so it is ever-present, if not ever-growing. [Midrashim, Chizkuni]
The presentation of each parent’s love for a specific child is a premonition or a foreshadowing of what’s to come when it is time for the blessings, how Yitzchak will want to give to Eisav, while Rivkah will want the blessing to go to Yaakov. (Rashbam)
Radak writes that while Yitzchak surely loved Yaakov the Torah does not need to mention it, because Yitzchak focused on Eisav, whom he thought needed more attention. Rivkah loved Yaakov alone because he was choosing a path of life, while Eisav was choosing a path of death. It wasn’t just that he wasn’t engaged in the wisdom and following the ways of God, but he chose a destructive path, of danger, which always put him at considerably more risk.
Perhaps somewhat oddly, Bchor Shor points out that he was a shepherd and was engaged with real world activity. And women love someone who raises sheep and goats. ודרך אשה לאהוב מי שמגדל טלאים וגדיים
In a practical sense, it could simply be that Eisav gravitated towards Yitzchak, and helped him in the manner most fitting to his personality, and that his father appreciated, while Yaakov was more drawn to his mother, helping her in the things she needed most help with. (Hadar Zekenim, Kli Yakar) It is surely possible that people who have more than one child can see each of their children for their personal qualities, and in particular for how they are most helpful as time marches along. Some parents appreciate their children who help them navigate computers and technology, while others have an appreciation for their children who come to visit most often. Others might have a heightened sense of connection with their children who “get things done” and help navigate a world of transportation and doctor visits, and even help get certain finances in order for a long-term plan.
Hopefully none of this contributes to “loving the others less” – but the appreciation factor is certainly one that is undeniable.
A more cynical perspective is offered by Seforno who suggests that Yitzchak’s love for Eisav was “in addition” to his love for Yaakov, even though or despite the fact that he know Eisav was not as fulfilled in life as Yaakov was. Rivkah, on the other hand, couldn’t seem to see past Eisav’s wickedness.
Rav Hirsch has a slightly different perspective. Noting that some interpret the word ציד as referring to Eisav’s way of trapping people to see the good in him, or manipulating perception of reality so that people saw his inherent goodness, it could also mean that Eisav was self-sustaining. He knew how to take care of himself, he knew how to provide for a home and run a home, and he did not need to rely on anyone. Yitzchak may have gravitated to that, owing to his own history of being raised as an offering – he was beyond those concerns personally but knew they were necessary and important for a household to function.
Rivkah, who grew up in Besuel’s house, and had a brother named Lavan, was looking for qualities that were as far from them as possible – and she saw all that in her son Yaakov.
Malbim summarizes different possibilities of what ציד בפיו means, and what Yitzchak saw in Eisav:
1. He thought Eisav embraced the idea of his being the spiritual heir through the birthright, 2. Eisav was a trapper with his mouth through speaking of his great strength and victories, and he tricked Yitzchak through presenting himself as a model citizen, just as a pig sticks out its hoofs to suggest it is truly kosher. 3. He brought from the ‘game’ he caught, and fed his father, thereby entrapping his father to his side through “his mouth,” presenting himself as one who honors his father diligently.
Rivkah knew the prophesy of ורב יעבד צעיר, that the older one would serve the younger. This may have been a contributing factor as well to her favoring Yaakov.
Yalkut Yehuda quotes the Sefer Ohel Yaakov who offers a unique perspective on the love of Yitzchak for Eisav and the love of Rivkah for Yaakov.
Yitzchak was born to Avraham and Sarah, was raised in their house, and never heard a falsehood or anything that would be a stretching of the truth. In his own, perhaps naïve way, he couldn’t read sarcasm or cynicism, or had no idea what it would look like for someone to pull the wool over his eyes. And so, when Eisav would come and ask seemingly “frum” questions about the tithing of salt or straw, Yitzchak couldn’t see this as being a trick – he could only see it as coming from a sincere space, and therefore thought that Eisav was exceedingly righteous.
Rivkah, on the other hand, was brought up in the home of Besuel HaArami, with a brother named Lavan HaArami (הארמי and הרמאי – the trickster - have the same letters), knew every trick in the book. She saw through any chicanery or trickery Eisav could present and intuited (perhaps to her chagrin for he was her son) that this side of Eisav had a direct genetic connection to her side of the family.
Yalkut Yehuda takes this a step further suggesting women in general have a better sense of who is a good guest, or who presents most genuinely when it comes to outsiders and strangers.
That may be a generalization, even if it has elements of truth to it (meaning men can also be decent judges of character, and sometimes even more discerning!). And the point is less to note how much Yitzchak or Rivkah did or did not love their children, as much as it is to recognize that some people are pure and innocent (Yaakov) and some people are a little more complicated, presenting both good and bad qualities. How do we weed through it all to decide who is worth having as a friend, who is worth having in a community, who contributes well, who is a productive member of society and who do we need to keep our distance from…? At the very least it requires the ability to discern, and in some cases it takes bold steps to draw firm lines in the sand – this I cross, this I do not…
Fathers and mothers, as males and females, have different priorities and see their children in different ways – each gravitating towards certain strengths and downplaying certain weaknesses. This is natural and reasonable.
The unfortunate take away from this verse in the narrative is that some see Yitzchak and Rivkah as playing favorites. If they did, in fact, do that, we could understand the kind of emotional baggage that may exist in the wake of discovery on the parts of Eisav and Yaakov.
If the Torah, on the other hand, is merely giving us insight into the personalities of all these people, Yitzchak, Rivkah, Yaakov, Eisav, then perhaps now we understand each of them just a little better.
It’s not, then, a question of favorites. But it’s a question of how the parent can hone in on the skills and personality of the child, and still make the child feel loved, valued, cherished, important, necessary, and having a role in this world as he or she eases the way into adulthood.
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