Just Because You Love It Does Not Mean You Can Covet

Parshas Yisro

by Rabbi Avi Billet

In the last of the Ten Commandments, we have the Hebrew phrase, לא תחמד, You shall not covet, appearing twice. יד) לֹ֥א תַחְמֹ֖ד בֵּ֣ית רֵעֶ֑ךָ ס לֹֽא־תַחְמֹ֞ד אֵ֣שֶׁת רֵעֶ֗ךָ וְעַבְדּ֤וֹ וַאֲמָתוֹ֙ וְשׁוֹר֣וֹ וַחֲמֹר֔וֹ וְכֹ֖ל אֲשֶׁ֥ר לְרֵעֶֽךָ: -- Do not covet your neighbor's house. Do not covet your neighbor's wife, his slave, his maid, his ox, his donkey, or anything else that is your neighbor's. 

 There is a subtle but clear difference in the presentation of the Tenth Commandment in Parshas Va’eschanan, which reads like this: יח) וְלֹ֥א תַחְמֹ֖ד אֵ֣שֶׁת רֵעֶ֑ךָ ס וְלֹ֨א תִתְאַוֶּ֜ה בֵּ֣ית רֵעֶ֗ךָ שָׂדֵ֜הוּ וְעַבְדּ֤וֹ וַאֲמָתוֹ֙ שׁוֹר֣וֹ וַחֲמֹר֔וֹ וְכֹ֖ל אֲשֶׁ֥ר לְרֵעֶֽךָ: ס -- Do not covet your neighbor's wife. Do not desire your neighbor's house, his field, his male or female slave, his ox, his donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor. 

 In both cases the words Lo Sachmod are attached to Eishes Rei’ekha (your neighbor’s wife). Though the reference to the wife is changed – in Yisro it is mentioned after not coveting Beis Rei’ekha, while in Va’eschanan it is mentioned first and not connected to anything else. 

 In Yisro, Lo Sachmod for the neighbor’s wife is attached to all the things listed – male and female servants, ox, donkey, and everything your neighbor owns. The same verb is employed in the first half of the verse attached to the feeling of wanting one’s neighbor’s house, which is listed separate from everything else. 

 In Va’eschanan, there is a different word employed – Lo Sisaveh – which probably is best translated as “don’t desire,” and seems to be the verb of choice employed for everything other than the neighbor’s wife. Don’t covet – לא תחמד – the wife. And don’t desire all the other items – though here a “field” is added (שדהו) to the list of specifics, even though it is certainly included in the phrase of וכל אשר לרעך. 

 What does it mean to Covet? The Rambam (LT 265) defines the prohibition against coveting: We are warned against making all kinds of efforts in order to acquire something from our friend’s possession. Even if one intends to buy it, even with an immense sum of money! 

 Lo Sisaveh (LT 266) – the formulation used in Va’Eschanan - is a warning against desiring it in our hearts, because that desire leads to Chimud, actually doing something to acquire the item. In essence, the Mechilta explains that Taavah (desiring) leads to Chimud (coveting), and Chimud leads to stealing. 

 Sefer HaChinukh points out (Mitzvah 38) that stealing can lead to murder. 

Violation of Chimud comes when your friend’s property is now yours – even if you bought it! – when he had no desire to get rid of it. The classic example of this is when the evil King Achav desired the land that Navot HaYizraeli owned. The story in Melachim I Chapter 21 is quite disgraceful and disturbing, and it involved deception, lying, stealing, and even murder, all justified by the royal perpetrators of the crimes, because of a Chimud which certainly went unchecked and led to actions that are so criminal in every way. 

 On the mitzvah of not desiring – Lo Sisaveh (416) – the Sefer HaChinukh gives a scathing rebuke: Don’t wonder and ask “How could a person stop himself from desiring anything he sees? How could the Torah command withdrawal, when it is impossible for a human being to stop one’s thoughts?” This is not true. Only fools say these kinds of things.

A person can CERTAINLY control himself or herself. It is within the person’s power to make such decisions, etc. It might very well be a struggle. But it is also one that can be overcome.

One need only open a newspaper or news website to read how dangerous Taavah and Chimud can be.. Assaults, rapes, teachers seducing (raping) underage students, all kinds of perverse sexual activity that is even too disturbing to mention by name; theft, murder, terrorism (which is often celebrated by the worst kinds of people humanity has to offer). Two hours before Shabbos (on Friday 2/10/23) in Jerusalem a terrorist drove into a bus station killing two people (ages 20 and 6) and injuring a few others. He was shot dead at the scene as people were trying to get him out of the car. 

 In the latter case, this Tayvah for hate, the Chimud that leads to murder in the name of a desire for violence that can’t be quenched is difficult to understand or come to grips with. 

 In a way, though, all of these stem from coveting. Whether coveting a person, coveting control, coveting to control others’ lives, coveting a land or life that others are enjoying might not seem to speak to our personal experience (depending who is reading this and where people live). We can ask what do these kinds of generalizations have to do with us? Not to covet? That’s simple enough. How often do we go into a friend’s house and offer to buy their family heirlooms, their photographs, their car, their house, when they are not even offering to sell? Which man is encouraging his friend to divorce for the sole purpose of marrying the other man's wife? Who among us so desires what another person has that we’d resort to murder to get it? 

 How far is covet’s reach? Is being friends with a couple a violation of this? Is thinking “so-and-so has a nice wife” a prohibition? 

 A few clarifications are in order to help us understand the relevant dangers of Lo Sachmod. 

 One: Coveting is not the same thing as jealousy. If a person wants a nice house, a nice car, a nice wife and a wonderful family because he sees you have a nice car, a nice house, a nice wife, a wonderful family, the person is not coveting. The person wants to have a certain kind of joy or pleasure in life that is available if life aligns in that way. Certainly hishtadlus (effort) may be necessary to make it happen. But getting those things on one’s own is beneficial to the individual, it takes nothing away from you. Jealousy is not a great thing – but it’s a personal problem. 

 Coveting is when a person wants YOURS A. to have what was yours (taking from your life, even if paying for it), and B. so you won’t have it anymore. 

 If you are selling your car, your house, or if you’ve divorced your wife, there is no prohibition from another person desiring to buy the tangible items. That is business. Trying to court and marry an unmarried woman is not a violation of the prohibition of coveting. That is legitimate courtship. 

 Aside from the process that is designed by the Mechilta, of how desiring leads to coveting, which leads to stealing, which may lead to murder, because in all likelihood we’re not stealing and murdering, what is wrong with a thought process of Tayvah? What is wrong with convincing someone to sell something he doesn’t want to part with? 

 The downsides of Lo Sachmod include selfishness – that I deserve something that I arguably do not deserve. 

 Or, perhaps the opposite, that I desire to be something that I am not. Remember that so-important teaching of Ben Zoma, איזהו עשיר השמח בחלקו – who is rich? He who is happy with his portion. The person who violates Lo Sachmod is clearly not happy with his or her portion, which is why he/she is seeking to change who he or she is through taking over different aspects of someone else’s life. 

 Ibn Ezra suggests that the real problem with Lo Sachmod is that the violator demonstrates a significant lack of Emunah – lack of faith in God that his portion in life, what God has given him is exactly what he should have. If he wants something similar to what someone else has that is fine, but it should be gotten honestly (legit business transaction) and not through a means that deprives someone else of their own happiness. 

 In Parshas Kedoshim, the parsha very clearly parallels the Aseres Hadibros in many ways, and the Ramban, who jumps on these, aiming to assign direct parallels to the Ten Commandments links Lo Sachmod with V’ahavta L’Reiakha Kamokha.

In other words, this important principle, so focused on by the likes of Rabbi Akiva as one of the greatest principles in the Torah, is violated by anyone who covets his neighbor’s property, or who covets his neighbor’s wife. 

Finally, in an article on this last of the Dibros, Rabbi Michael Rosenzweig focused on Lo Sachmod as the closing bookend of the unit of the Aseres Hadibros, suggesting that the opening – Anochi Hashem E’lokekha, is linked to the closing – Lo Sachmod. The Aseres HaDibros begins with a call-out for a faith commitment, which is vitalized and manifested through a commitment to halakha, and the shaping of the halakhic personality in particular. 

The other Bein Adam Lachaveiro mitzvos here are relatively uncommon sins among the faithful. Murder? Adultery? Stealing? Kidnapping? Selling into slavery? Lying in court? 

But Lo Sachmod is the beginning of the slippery slope that can lead to all of them. 

Who wants to murder or steal or commit adultery? Most people are not interested in that. But once the threshold of Lo Sachmod is crossed, all kinds of justifications slip into the psyche to allow deeds we would otherwise never commit. 

Just Because You Love It Does Not Mean You Can Covet – because coveting is the beginning of the end of the breakdown of our relationships, and ultimately, our Torah and halakhically oriented society.