The Sensitivity of Chalitzah

Parshat Ki Tetze

by Rabbi Avi Billet

 The Torah describes the case of a married man who dies without children and the obligation of his brother to either do Yibum or Chalitzah to bring closure to the deceased’s wife – he is to either have (or attempt to have) a child with her that will be considered the son of the dead brother (Yibum), or he is to release her so she may marry any non-Kohen (Chalitzah). There are similar cases to this in the story of Yehuda, his sons, and Tamar, as well as a quasi example of this in the Book of Ruth, when the closer relative releases his obligation to Boaz, who marries Ruth and produces a child who is the grandfather of David. 

 Reading it over reminded me of a story I heard directly from Rabbi Moshe Tendler, Z”L, that he witnessed as a child growing up in –as he would fondly recall - “a small European shtetl on the Lower East Side.” His father, Rabbi Yitzchak Isaac Tendler Z”L, was the rabbi at the Kominitzer Synagogue, and one day a younger man originally from Yemen passed away, childless, leaving a young widow. A few weeks later his brother showed up from Yemen, looking to do Yibum, to attempt to have a child with his brother’s widow. Rabbi Y Tendler told him that in America we don’t do Yibum, and that he would have to do Chalitzah, to release his sister in law to be able to marry whomever she might choose. 

 This Temani Jew started to cry – obviously in Yemen, Yibum was not only an option but was practiced – and he said, “People are going to call me Beit Halutz Hana’al?”

To understand the sadness this man underwent in those moments, one merely has to read the Torah’s depiction of this ritual to see that the moniker he was hoping to avoid is what the Torah uses as an insult to the one who is shaming his dead brother and not fulfilling his responsibilities. [Surely a reason we insist on Chalitzah only is because our society doesn’t force or enforce matters that are viewed with a different sensitivity than that which the Torah presents – what was once upon a time viewed as looking after the woman and giving her a chance to have a child reminiscent of her dead husband might now be viewed as putting the woman in a position she does not want, either with her brother in law, or possibly being left to raise a child alone.] 

 The Torah describes how she is to claim “My brother in law refuses to establish his brother’s name in Israel, as he doesn’t want to perform the levirate marriage with me.” After he articulates this position himself, she takes off his shoe, spits in front of him, and declares “So should be done to the man who will not build his brother’s household!” And then he becomes known as “Beit Halutz Hana'al” – the house of the one whose shoe was removed. [For more about the ceremony and ritual, read here: https://yaacovhaber.com/rth/chalitza/] 

There are two Chalitza ceremonies currently on youtube – one presided over by Rabbi Ralbag, and one in Yiddish by the Karlsburger Beit Din. While we might typically assume a Chalitzah would take place with a young widow (tragically) it happens that both of these cases happen with women who seem to be older (in the latter video we don’t see the woman, but the brother-in-law is an older man in a wheelchair), which means they either never had children over the course of a longer marriage, or got married later past childbearing years. In these cases, while it is unlikely that Yibum would have produced a child anyway, the ceremony nevertheless remains the same, and is necessary, according to halakha, in order for the woman to be free to marry. 

Rabbi Yona Reiss, Av Beis Din of the Chicago Rabbinical Concil, has shared stories of Chalitzahs that the Beth Din of America presided over following the collapse of the twin towers on 9/11, including one case of a teenager whose brother had died, who released his sister-in-law to be able to marry again. 

 Most commentaries who address this tale and mitzvah in the Torah suggest that the ritual, as our Temani Jew knew quite well, was meant to embarrass the brother-in-law for shirking his responsibilities to his deceased brother and to his sister-in-law. The way things go now, in our society, and certainly since we don’t even give Yibum as an option, it would seem the ceremony has lost the “shaming” aspect, and is viewed as “obligatory” and even as a kindness. 

 The Midrash Tanaim answers what might be an obvious question: why can’t he simply give her a bill of release, similar to a get, the bill of divorce? Because the Torah says “So shall be done to the man” who doesn’t perform the levirate marriage, it means this way, and only this way, is the right way to sever the connection between them, and not through some makeshift-bill-of-divorce. 

 Certainly no system is perfect, not every measure or ritual undertaken can include all the sensitivities needed. Due to the need for witnesses, as well as a Beit Din in the latter of the following ceremonies, Marriage, divorce, Chalitzah typically have many more men present at the ritual than women. Marriage typically has family and friends present and is a festive and simcha-oriented event so it is less noticed. But divorce and Yibum/Chalitzah are or can be harrowing moments for both sides regardless of all else that is going on. Divorce is a culmination of either a short or drawn out process of a marriage ending with “irreconcilable differences” while a Chalitzah comes in the wake of a death, she having lost her husband and the man having lost his brother. 

 What our present reality demonstrates, where Yibum is not an option, is that while the ritual remains the same, the sensitivity involved evolves with societal changes. Perhaps the sensitivity is easier at Chalitzah where everyone is sharing the same hurt, than it is at divorce, where everyone comes to the table with different baggage and with different attitudes that bring them to the get. It is harder to find an equal balance at divorce, but every time I have been present for the deliverance of a get I have witnessed the presiding rabbi be as sensitive and caring as possible, wishing both sides well, and giving them each a blessing for life going forward. It doesn’t matter who initiated the divorce, or the reasons, and it is not his job to take sides – it is simply to facilitate something that needs to happen, and to help two human beings get to the other side of their dispute peaceably. 

 To be clear, not all societal changes align with our worldview. Sometimes hard lines need to be drawn as to which part of society influences our thinking and which viewpoints or flavors of the day are beyond the pale of how we think, how we operate, and what fits within the guide the Torah presents to us. Certainly some people are influenced more by their politics and aim to make the Torah fit to their worldview from other spheres of thought. And some times lines of thinking are just very loud when repeated over and over by modern influences, such as print media and visual media. 

 Our job is to aim to find a balance, certainly in human relationships, in being sensitive to a person’s circumstances, while turning to halakha to guide us where halakha has what to say. As one of my rebbeim told me, halakhic decisions can only be made when a person has done due diligence to get a better understanding of facts on the ground, and to decide based on research and knowledge, and not based on emotion. 

 Emotions must guide our sensitivity. Halakha guides our action. As the Torah gives both options – Yibum and Chalitzah - both are options for moving forward post the death of a childless man, should he have a brother, and should his widow wish to marry another time. Chalitzah is the more sensitive option in our time, and so it is viewed as a ritual that does not taint the man who participates in it, but views him as a man who is doing the right thing to allow his sister-in-law to mourn as she needs to, and to otherwise pick up the pieces and move on with her life.