The Battlefields of Life

Parsat Ki Tetze

by Rabbi Avi Billet 

Last week we read the phrase כי תצא למלחמה על אויביך (when you go out to war against your enemy), and the parsha this week begins with the same phrase.

The two situations are very different – last week we read of a leader declaring to the people that those who are afraid, or those who recently betrothed, those who began building a house or planting a vineyard and haven’t used them yet – go home. Your mind is elsewhere, you bring down morale - this is not a battle for you.

This week we read the case of the y’fat to’ar, the beautiful woman from the enemy people that the Jewish soldier becomes smitten by through a whole host of reasons which are not discussed, for which the Torah gives him permission to take her home and possibly get to the stage where she becomes his wife.

Both cases describe people who are going out to war and facing a real battlefield. But arguably, the real battlefield is the one which is much trickier to navigate, namely, the battlefield of how to deal with life when you get home.

What happens when the war is over and you now need to pick up the pieces of a life that is tainted by a form of trauma, or cowardice, or the reality that you left the battlefield while others fought and died for you to enjoy your life?

The second half of the phrase mentions that you are going out to battle “against your enemy.”

Incredibly, the theme of fighting the enemy is pervasive throughout the parsha, a Torah portion laden with Mitzvos. Every confrontation, every situation we find ourselves in, is a battle against an enemy, whether our conscience, our yetzer hora, or the morals and scruples that challenge our character.

Sometimes it’s a battle with another person. Who will win in our dispute? Who will be victorious in court? Who will triumph in the decision making? Whose word will become law in the house?

And sometimes it’s a battle with ourselves. Will I do it even though I know it’s wrong? Will I hold myself back even though I really want to do it? Will I defeat my depression? Will I overcome the challenge life is sending my way?

There are so many mitzvos in the parsha which are battles! Some of them are a choice of whether I even need to do this. Some are a moral choice, or an ethical choice.

 • A person has a first born with each of his wives. Which first born gets the first-born treatment? The older of the two, or his favored wife’s son? This is a battle to overcome favorites and give the true b’chor!
 • The rebellious son – a theoretical tale, the Talmud tells us. It’s a battle! Do I bring my child to court? Do I want to go through this process?
 • The corpse of an executed criminal is to be hanged on a tree briefly to teach people a lesson. It’s a battle! People need to learn. But he’s already been punished and we don’t want to desecrate the body! 
• Returning lost items. We know it’s the right thing to do. But what if I can really use the item, I need the money, no one will ever know? It’s a battle!
 • For a person who has a yetzer hara to wear clothing of the opposite sex, the Torah forbids it! How does a person who has this desire get over it? It’s a battle!
 • Sending away the mother bird. Do you really need the baby birds? Do you really need these eggs? The Torah says if you send the mother away you are promised Lengthened days! Is this a guarantee of long life? There is also the option to not touch the eggs or babies! The babies will likely die if they are handled. So what do I want more? Lengthened days, or ruining the experience of these baby birds and their mother? It’s a battle!
 • Not grafting fruits, not wearing Shatnez – these are hassles for the person who likes to experiment with mixing materials.
 • Wear tzitzis? But it’s difficult in hot weather, even annoying some times in cold weather. But I want to fulfill mitzvos! Here’s a chance to fulfill an easy one! But they’re itchy! I hate wearing them tucked in, but I also hate wearing them out! It’s a battle!
 • The second half of chapter 22 describes a bunch of male-female relationships that go sour. Some are her fault, some are his fault. In dealing with the repercussions and fallouts, the consequences, on ALL sides, are devastating to the people in question, and to the community when they are called upon to participate in eradicating the evil behavior in question. How to participate? What limits to set? What line do I draw? These are all battles of human struggle.
 • “Those who are unwelcome in the community of God” refers to certain males who may not marry Jewesses. What did the Mamzer do to deserve this fate? His parents committed an immoral act, but he is innocent of wrongdoing. And the Moabite – forever, can never join the Jewish people. Who did worse to the Jewish people- Moab or the Nazis? There are grandchildren of Nazis who are religious Jews today. Some serve in the IDF. They are welcome (of course they are!) but Moabites are not? It’s a moral battle – must Moabites be despised by us forever on account of an incident from thousands of years ago?
 • The rules of Leket, Shikchah and Peah are in our parsha. Leave a corner of your field, your orchard, your vineyard, your olive grove for the poor. But I need the food! I need the money! I’ll give them a donation at the door! Wouldn’t that be sufficient – and this way I know what they’re getting and I don’t need to worry that they’re leaving nothing for others! No one goes empty handed, just stay off my property! Torah says that’s not how it works. But it’s surely a battle.

This theme can be walked through just about every mitzvah in the parsha.

This time of year we face another battle - the Teshuvah battle. Some might even refer to Teshuvah as a “losing battle.”  But if someone wants it, it is attainable. In some cases it just requires baby steps.

What is my vice? What do I know I do wrong? Where do I want to improve? What is hampering my ability to get there?

For many of us, technology has sucked the marrow out of life. Whether it’s the cell phone, the television, the computer, the Internet, there is so much distraction and noise from outside influences, sometimes what is really needed is a break from it all in order to focus on what are meant to be more important concerns for we who call ourselves “Avdei Hashem” (servants of the Almighty). Cold turkey does not work for everyone, but perhaps we can set limitations for ourselves – I will only use my phone, the Internet, the television, etc for a limited amount of time. I will slowly reduce my social media presence. I will remove time-sucking apps from my phone.

Another arena in which we are in a perpetual state of battle is against the vice of Lashon Hora. Recognizing that some conversations about others are not Lashon Hora, most conversations about others are Lashon Hora, even, in some cases, when being complimentary.

In these last few months, one of the biggest arenas that has been fodder for Lashon Hora has been in our judging and talking about others who go about their lives differently than we might during this period of lockdown and isolation. Maybe we don’t see it in ourselves, but when we look at others for not seeing things the way we see them, and when we raise a disapproving eye towards others (whether their mask slips below their nose, or they wear a mask and faceshield when alone in the car, or even further extremes in either direction), we are guilty of some of the things we will be confessing as our sins in Viduy on Yom Kippur.

And of course we speak Lashon Hora in other arenas as well.

These are our battles.

The Slonimer Rebbe uses this metaphor of battles to describe our struggle with the Yetzer Hora. And he talks about battles everyone faces, including:

My need for kavod
My need to get ahead, sometimes at the other person’s expense
My need to view myself as better than the other person
My need to indulge in pleasures to excess
My need to follow my desires, rather than be tempered by the Torah’s limitations.

His take home message focuses on a grammatical point.

כי תצא למלחמה is written in the singular. When you, the individual, go out to war. Really it should say כי תצאו למלחמה – when you the nation made up of many people go out to war….

Using a teaching from the Sifrei on another example of going out to war in our Parsha - כִּֽי־תֵצֵ֥א מַחֲנֶ֖ה עַל־אֹיְבֶ֑יךָ – the Slonimer Rebbe argues that all battles require the Bnei Yisrael to be a Machane (camp). And of course, the ideal Machane is how the people were at the bottom of Mt Sinai – ויחן שם ישראל נגד ההר – ewhen they people were כאיש אחד בלב אחד – as one man with one heart. This simply means that our destinies are intertwined as the Bnei Yisrael. Remember, Achdus (unity) does not mean we are robots and are all the same. It means that in living our Jewish lives, we all serve the same God together, even when we have different outlooks in life.

Our goal as we inch towards the High Holidays is to fulfill קדושים תהיו. And the Slonimer Rebbe quotes another Midrash on Kedoshim Tihyu (“you should be holy”), that it was recited at Hakhel, when the entire nation was gathered as one. That the key ingredient in achieving Kedoshim Tihyu is על ידי זה שיהודי דבוק לישראל אחיו בכח של כאיש אחד בלב אחד – that the Jew should be intertwined to his Israelite brethren through the power of “like one man with one heart.”

We are in a proverbial battle to see a return to normalcy and a time period when we are all once again comfortable emerging and being in each other’s presence. If we live up to the mantra of being Kedoshim, of seeing the best in others, even when we have different viewpoints, these are the ingredients that will hopefully ensure for us the blessing of a Shana Tova on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.