Death with Dignity - the Frum Jewish Way

Parshat Vaychi

by Rabbi Avi Billet

When Yaakov dies at age 147, his sons range in age from 62 (Reuven) to 56 (Yosef and Zevulun and possibly Asher), to the youngest, Binyamin, who was around 48.

As we know how old Yosef is at his death, 110, and since Yosef is the one who is credited with being the first of the brothers to die, this means that the brothers all lived together in Egypt without their father for another 54 years.

And while we can argue whether Yaakov ever knew about the sale of Yosef and whether the brothers told the truth to Yosef in 50:16, we can also say with near certainty that since being reunited, Yosef has been only gracious, has shown only love, has expressed only the desire for his brothers to not feel guilt for having him sold, and that he would continue to provide for them for the rest of Yosef's days, if not the rest of their days as well.

And then over the next 54 years of his life, beyond personal achievements of which we know very little, Yosef clearly puts his house in order.
1. He makes a clear and final peace with his brothers (50:21)
2. They lived together and made a life in Egypt (50:22)
3. Yosef is blessed to LIVE (like his father, he too experiences “Vaychi,” to live a meaningful life, in Egypt) (50:22)
4. Yosef lived to be a great grandfather – this too is acknowledged as an accomplishment. And not only that, but he was close to them (50:23)
5. When Yosef is about to die, he leaves a last will and testament which becomes the living legacy that the Bnei Yisrael turn to as a reminder that their time in Egypt is limited. They WILL leave one day. (50:25)
6. He also makes a dying wish that he be reinterred in the Promised Land, that when they leave Egypt they are to take his bones with them for reburial in Eretz Canaan. (50:24)
7. And finally, after dying and being embalmed, his body is placed in a box in Egypt.

Seforno says about the box: “They put him in the same box where the embalming took place – that’s where his bones were. They did not bury him in the ground. This way his coffin[‘s whereabouts] was known for generations as it says, ‘And Moshe took Yosef’s bones…’”

In other words, the box will serve as a reminder for people for the next 139 years, until the moment of the Exodus, that there was a promise made that we’d be leaving one day. And it was made by that man, who is now in that box, that box that we’ll be taking out of Egypt with us when we leave.

What an incredible gift of hope and optimism that Yosef utilized in preparing for his death!

There is a natural concern people have, when they sense their life is going to end soon, about dying with dignity. I’m not going to go into the secular definition of it – of people who choose to end their lives to end the pain and the suffering, for people to only know them as they know themselves, before a diagnosed illness takes its toll on the body (and on life savings!). It’s not the halakhic way, but I’ll leave other ethicists to discuss it.

In Jewish terminology, one can argue that achieving Death with Dignity comes from living Life with Dignity. It means setting goals. It means having no regrets when life is over. The Yosef way.

It means I live a life in which I make peace with family members. Sometimes it’s a strain to get there. But imagine the regret, or regrettable nature of an estranged relationship, when children don’t care about their parents who have died, when siblings – either those sitting shiva together, or those who should be sitting in mourning for one another – don’t really see the point of having those feelings of loss, because they didn’t care about the deceased at all?

Here are a few take home lessons from Yosef.

1. Yosef makes peace with his brothers. They are ALL at his deathbed. And they ALL make the promise that his bones will be taken out of Egypt. For us this means that even if we don’t live close by, we can still be in touch, to not lose that connection. Even if it takes a lot of work and effort
2. A dignified life is one defined by meaningful choices. Whether it’s an elevated life of Torah and Mitzvos, a thoughtful life of constantly growing, having and sharing new experiences, a life of learning, or a life of a consistent schedule which gives a person a sense of purpose. This is what it means to live a life of dignity.
 3. Yosef lived to see generations. Perhaps not everyone merits that. Some die young, some don’t have children. These are realities. But those realities don’t mean people can’t have good relationships in the time they are allotted.
 4. Yosef leaves a will and testament to his family, in which he talks about God, and what he believes God has in store for his family in the future. That they should never forget that God is there.
 5. And Yosef knows he is in exile, but in the end, he wants to be buried in the Holy Land. With that thought, he taught his children to be mindful to look forward to a future redemption.

Many who lived with dignity died with the ultimate dignity, having made all the necessary plans and arrangements for their families, so they too left no regrets, except the only we always feel: “I wish we had more time to spend together.”