Looking To the Past And the Future

Parshat Devarim

by Rabbi Avi Billet


When the Levush records the “halakha” from Shulchan Arukh 428 about when certain Torah portions are read during the year, he explains the rule that Tisha B’Av precedes Va’Etchanan as follows: “So that Devarim, which begins the rebukes of Moshe, will be read before Tisha B’Av.”

 It certainly would have been easier for us to understand if the Shulchan Arukh had done two things differently: 1. Like for Bamidbar and Nitzavim, which precede Shavuot and Rosh Hashana respectively, he had explained that Devarim precedes Tisha B’Av. For some reason, he switched it around saying “Tisha B’Av preceded Va’Etchanan. 2. A small explanation for each, such as a thematic connection, would have gone a long way.

 For Bamidbar and Nitzavim, the purpose of their standing as a buffer between the Rebuke of the previous parsha, Bechukotai and Ki Tavo respectively, and the coming holiday, is made clear. So if Devarim contains a rebuke, shouldn’t it also have a buffer between it and Tisha B’Av? We even read from Parshat Va’Etchanan ON Tisha B’Av! Wouldn’t it make sense to have Va’Etchanan be a reading of the past once Tisha B’Av is over, if the rebuke of Va’Etchanan is powerful enough to be the Tisha B’Av Torah reading? 

We can argue that no buffer will help Tisha B’Av. It is a miserable day. It may as well be attached to rebuke. And, of course, we know that it is. But why not just say that Devarim precedes Tisha B’Av, since it does, even more consistently than Bamidbar precedes Shavuot?

 Parshat Devarim contains within it Moshe’s reference to the sin of the spies. The Talmud (Taanit 29a) tells us that the date when the spies returned with their report was the Ninth of Av. The negativity of that episode, and the devastation it wrought upon the nation was so horrific, bringing it up in any context seems to be an example of pouring salt in very sore wounds.

We can not say that Devarim precedes Tisha B’Av, because we know all too well that what Moshe recounted in Devarim not only preceded the original Tisha B’Av, but caused the original Tisha B’Av! The rebuke within Va’Etchanan, the portion we read on Tisha B’Av, speaks more to the future than to the past. It is a reminder of how to raise children and grandchildren, and what precautions to take to get things right.

Moreover, unlike in Devarim, where the rebuke focuses on the past, Parshat Va’Etchanan begins with Moshe looking to future in his own personal life as well. And this may be the lesson of how all of this is recorded in the Shulchan Arukh.

 When it comes to Tisha B’av, like Devarim, we tend to lament over the past, and find all the flaws and hardships our People have endured. We may even point fingers and say why it happened, and who was at fault, and what the repercussions were and remain for our nation, even after so many years.

 But that does not help us emerge from Tisha B’Av. Unlike Shavuot and Rosh Hashana when we hope to achieve the highest heights of spirituality and connection with our Creator, on Tisha B’Av, we want to be able to get out of our despair and look to a better future. Va’Etchanan begins with Moshe pleading to God to let him into the Land. Even though he’s been told he won’t be allowed in. He still hopes that he can get in there, or even to just be buried there.

 And this is how we have to view this time period. For those who get into Tisha B’Av, who don’t go to work, who read the Kinot, who listen to stirring words delivered by fascinating lecturers, Tisha B’Av is more than just a depressing fast day. It is a porthole to many places in time in which the Jewish people suffered, and it is a reminder that as good as things are in comparison to the past, there is still no Temple in Jerusalem, there is still terrorism aimed at Jews around the world, and especially in Israel, and nowadays we can tack on the threat of Iran and its nuclear ambitions coupled with a naivette that these dishonest fanatics can be negotiated with and trusted, and it remains depressing.

 But we have something to look forward to. Because like Moshe, we can remain optimistic. We can understand the significance of Tisha B’Av preceding Va’Etchanan. Because sometimes we need to go to the deepest depths of despair to understand what our collective challenges are, and we need to tack on to that incredible sense of optimism of Moshe, that even with everything that is going on, we believe there is a bright future ahead.

 Our job is to stand strong. To get through Tisha B’Av and be excited for the future. We must remain cautious, as Moshe was about his prospects for getting in to the Land, while we continue to pray and do our part hoping that God will do what is best and right for our People.

Nine Days IV - Rules for Tisha B'Av

Rules for Tisha B'Av

As per the Shulchan Arukh (SA) and Mishnah Brurah (MB)

Compiled by Rabbi Avi Billet

The Fast Begins

1. Even if one ate the FINAL meal, it is permissible to eat afterwards unless one explicitly stated (doesn't have to be these words) "I am finished eating, and I am eating no more." A thought process to this effect is meaningless, according to Rama – it is only applicable if it was expressed aloud. MB records that the Vilna Gaon and Ba"ch disagree, believing that a non-verbal acceptance of this nature is binding on the individual. However, MB concludes (553:1) that there is a difference as well between a "thought in the mind" and "acceptance of the heart." If one thinks, "OK, I'm done. I am full and I don't need to eat more," that is meaningless. But if one accepts in one's heart, "I am finished eating. The fast begins for me now" – this is binding.
2. Regardless, if no declaration or "kabbalah b'lev" has been made, the fast begins at sundown.
3. Some recommended medical guidelines for how to prepare and go about fasting (for YK, I know, but applicable all the same)

The mourning of Tisha B'Av is comparable to the mourning of "Shiva," with the added provision of fasting

Restrictions of the Night and Day (exceptions to follow)

1. Eating and Drinking – includes brushing teeth, gargling, and even sipping water
2. Washing – showers, bathing, swimming
3. Anointing – using oils or perfumes that are rubbed onto the body
4. Shoes – leather shoes are not to be worn
5. Marital Relations are forbidden
6. Until mid-day, we sit on the floor or low chair
7. Until mid-day we do not wear tallis and tefillin
8. Intense Torah learning

Exceptions

1. Eating and Drinking - A person with a medical condition who must eat yet wants to fast can have 1.5 oz of liquid every 9 minutes. See these two sources for information about eating on Yom Kippur (similar rules have been accepted regarding Tisha B'Av) http://www.star-k.org/kashrus/kk-issues-measurements.htm (half way down the article); and http://vbm-torah.org/archive/moadim69/29-69moed.htm [see also Biur Halakha 554 * דבמקום חולי וכו' - עיין בספר פתחי עולם דבמקום שאין המחלה של חלערי"א חזקה ח"ו יאכל פחות מככותבת בכדי אכילת פרס וכן בשתיה כמ"ש השיעורי' בשו"ע סימן תרי"ח (כך יש להורות לשואל בט"ב שבזה לא נעקר התענית לגמרי ורחמנא ליבא בעי) ומי שירצה להתענות במקום שאין המחלה בזעם ח"ו יש ליועצו ולהזהירו שלא ילך מפתח ביתו כל היום ולהכריחו כשיצא ישא סביב לחוטמו ופיו חתיכה קאמפע"ר ומעט עשב מיאט"ע עכ"ל]: 
2. A person who must eat because of peril or real danger should drink/eat – no questions asked. Sakanas Nefashos trumps all.
3. Washing – one may wash hands after using the restroom. Certainly if hands are dirty, they may be washed. Some have the custom of only washing fingers until the knuckles for "netilat yadayim" upon waking in the morning. Depending on the nature of the post-restroom-use-washing needs, one should try to wash only the fingers, unless necessary to wash the whole hand as noted above.
4. Anointing – Deodorant is permitted, though one should apply only what is needed and avoid excess. Perfume and cologne are not recommended.
5. Shoes – a leather adornment to a shoe, which, if removed, does not change the shoe in any way, does not disqualify the shoe. Thankfully there are many options for shoes – between canvas sneakers, crocs, slippers, etc
6. M.R. – Sorry. No exceptions.
7. Floor Seating – Children who are eating need not sit on low chairs. Elderly or infirm who experience extreme discomfort need not sit on low chairs. However, we are not as strict about this (MB 559:10). Rama says we can sit on regular seats once Shacharis is over, though we try to lengthen the davening so it will end closer to mid-day (559:3). Acharonim allowed a person to place a cloth or small pillow beneath oneself (MB 559:11) or to sit on a low chair
8. Tallis – Those who wear tzitzis under their clothes should put them on without a bracha (555:1)
9. Learning – Iyov, the bad parts of Yirmiyahu, Midrash Eichah, and commentaries on Eichah and Iyov (554:1-2). One may study the Kinos in depth. Some have the custom to read the story of Kamza and Bar Kamza (Gittin 55b). As Rabbi Soloveitchik used to say, if one needs to learn Torah on Tisha B'Av, "This should be our biggest aveirah."

Other Practices

1. Some have the custom to make night time sleeping a little less comfortable through sleeping on the floor, or not using a pillow (a custom of putting a rock under one's head/pillow is also recorded (551:2))
2. One should avoid greeting people ("Shalom Aleichem" and "How are you doing?" etc). If someone accidentally greets you or doesn't know, it is OK to respond courteously, but briefly. No need to tell the person not to greet others.
3. Changes in davening are recorded in the siddur. Please note: No תתקבל in Kaddish; omit: Pitum Haktoret, Tachanun, קל ארך אפים, למנצח, the verse of ואני זאת בריתי  (in ובא לציון); Add נחם and עננו at Mincha
4. One who needs to work on Tisha B'Av may, but one should try to put in fewer hours (554:22) [working on Tisha B'Av is nonetheless less than desirable (554:24)]
5. One who will lose a lot of money should follow the practices of working on Chol Hamoed (554:23)

After the Nine Days are over

1. According to the Shulchan Arukh, one may cut one's hair and do laundry immediately after the fast ends. (551:4) MB records a minhag (custom) not to cut the hair or do laundry until midday on the 10^th of Av. (551:37)
2. MB says that eating meat and drinking wine are certainly permitted right away (551:36).
3. Shulchan Arukh says (558) not to eat meat or drink wine all of the 10^th of Av, while Rama says this stringency need not extend past midday on the 10^th of Av.
4. MB (558:3) adds washing one's body to the list of activities that resume at midday on the 10^th.
5. One who has been showering regularly during the 9 days, for need (as opposed to for pleasure) may continue the 9 days practice which was suspended for Tisha B'Av.
6. If there is a tremendous need or time constraint and laundry needs to be done the evening that Tisha B'Av is over, it may be done. If one can wait until midday on the 10^th, that is preferred.

May we all merit that this Tisha B'Av be the last, with the coming of the Final Redemption

Nine Days III - Rules of Eating

Eating During The Week in Which Tisha B'Av falls (WWTBF)

Including a very brief summary of the "After Tisha B'Av" rules

By Rabbi Avi Billet

The following lists have been compiled based primarily on the codes as laid out in the Shulchan Arukh and the Mishnah Brurah.

Eating Meat

1. Generally speaking it is forbidden to eat meat during the Nine Days, except under special circumstances, such as a Seudas Mitzvah (Pidyon HaBen, Bris, Siyum). (OC 551:10)  However, during the WWTBF, though these events may take place, it is customary to limit the amount of participants to close relatives. A minyan of non-relatives may be included, but every other participant – beyond the relatives and minyan – eats dairy. (OC 551, MB 77).
2. Meat can even be eaten under these circumstances on Erev Tisha B'Av, but not as the last meal before the fast begins. (551:10) The Mishnah Brurah recommends the meat meal take place before midday (OC 551, MB 78)
3. Parve food which is cooked in a meat pot may be eaten (551:MB 63)

Drinking wine and other alcoholic beverages

1. One does not drink wine, except at a Seudas Mitzvah as noted in the previous section.
2. All other alcoholic beverages are permitted (Rama 551:11)
3. According to the Shulchan Arukh, one may drink wine as part of a "bentching over wine" [during the week] and one may use wine for havdalah. The Rama, however disagrees. (551:10) He suggests that if wine is used for Havdalah, a child should drink it, unless there is no child present (in which case the one saying havdalah should drink). Otherwise it is customary to use beer for havdalah. (Remember to say the bracha "She'hakol"!)
4. One may bentch with wine at Seudah Shlishis – certainly if in time to drink it on Shabbos, and even if Shabbos is over when bentching takes place, because we don't (in the latter case) drink the wine.
5. One may drink wine on the Shabbos before Tisha B'Av. MB records a debate as to if one is drinking wine during Seudah Shlishis, and the meal extends until after Shabbos is over, but the person has not yet bentched and certainly has not ended Shabbos: Magen Avraham says if everyone else has ended Shabbos, he should stop drinking wine, while other Acharonim suggest that if he will still be saying "Retzeh" in his bentching, which indicates his Shabbos has not yet ended, he may still drink the wine. (OC 551: MB 56)

Erev Tisha B'Av eating

1. The restricting rules which will be described apply only to the FINAL meal a person eats on Erev Tisha B'Av. Any other meal after which a person still intends to eat is treated like a regular Nine Days or WWTBF meal. (552:9)
2. According to the Shulchan Arukh – the FINAL meal on Erev Tisha B'Av must follow these rules: 

• Not more than one cooked item
• No fish (or meat or chicken – of course) (552:2)
• You may have a number of different raw fruits (552:4)
• There is a custom to have lentils with eggs cooked in them because these are considered "mourners' foods" (552:5) Rama recommends "hard boiled eggs."
• A person who can handle it should just have coarse bread with salt, and water. Rama records the custom (not a law) to dip the egg in ashes, a practiced extracted from a teaching based in Eicha 3:16 - וַיַּגְרֵס בֶּחָצָץ שִׁנָּי הִכְפִּישַׁנִי בָּאֵפֶר. "Indeed, He has made my teeth grind on gravel, and caused me to wallow in ashes." It is customary to sit on the floor (or a low chair) for this meal (552:7), and not to eat in a company of 3 that would require a zimun (552:8)

3. For the meal(s) which take place earlier in the day, Rama writes that the Minhag (custom of) Ashkenaz (communities) is to eat a full meal BEFORE Mincha, and to eat the FINAL meal AFTER Mincha. It is important to eat more during that full meal, as one does in preparation for Yom Kippur, so one is well satiated in advance of the fast day. (552:9)
4. Even if one ate the FINAL meal, it is permissible to eat afterwards unless one explicitly stated (doesn't have to be these words) "I am finished eating, and I am eating no more." A thought process to this effect is meaningless, according to Rama – it is only applicable if it was expressed aloud. MB records that the Vilna Gaon and Ba"ch disagree, believing that a non-verbal acceptance of this nature is binding on the individual. However, MB concludes (553:1) that there is a difference as well between a "thought in the mind" and "acceptance of the heart." If one thinks, "OK, I'm done. I am full and I don't need to eat more," that is meaningless. But if one accepts in one's heart, "I am finished eating. The fast begins for me now" – this is binding.

After the Nine Days are over

According to the Shulchan Arukh, one may cut one's hair and do laundry immediately after the fast ends. (551:4) MB says that eating meat and drinking wine are certainly permitted right away (551:36). However, he records a minhag (custom) not to cut the hair or do laundry until midday on the 10^th of Av. (551:37)

When Tisha B'Av falls on Shabbos and is observed on Sunday - on the 10th of 

1. Havdala is said as it is at the end of Yom Tov - bracha on wine and Hamavdil
2. Since when "9 B'Av" ends is the 11th of Av, because Sunday is the 10th, all the restrictions of the 9 days will end right away (shaving, laundry, music, etc)
 3. There is an opinion that one should wait until the morning before eating meat and drinking wine (exception being for the havdalah wine)
4. We say Kiddush Levana at the end of Tisha B'Av. However, unlike after Yom KIppur when we extend the fast of Yom Kippur (in a sense) through saying Kiddush Levana and THEN breaking our fast, after Tisha B'Av we break our fast first and THEN say Kiddush Levana.

O, man. Where art thou?

Parshat Devarim

by Rabbi Avi Billet

In the Midrash Rabba's introduction to Megillat Eichah (paragraph 4), Rabbi Abahu compares the experience of the nation of Israel in the land and being exiled to the experience of the first identified man in the Torah, Adam. "Like Adam, they violated the covenant."

Adam was placed in the garden, was commanded, he violated the command, was judged, expelled, and God lamented over his downfall. Israel had the same experience: brought into Israel, commanded, they violated the command, they were judged and expelled. God lamented over their downfall.

The lament in both cases is highlighted by the midrash with the same word – at least in its spelling. Alef Yud Kaf Heh - איכה. The difference between the two words is that in Adam's case, the word is pronounced "Ayekah," while the lament for the Israelite nation is pronounced "Eichah."

In essence, when Adam is hiding after having eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, and God calls out to him saying, "Ayekah" – "Where are you?" (Bereshit 3:9) – God is lamenting that Adam feels his newfound knowledge gives him the ability to hide from God.

With regard to the Israelites, "O how has the city that was once so populous remained lonely!" (Eichah 1:1) It's a lament for what could have been, had the Israelites only continued to keep God's word.

Yirmiyahu said in 16:11 that the exile happened because the people abandoned God and did not observe the Mitzvot. The Midrash here (Eichah Introduction, paragraph 2) quotes Rav Huna's expounding on this that "If only they had abandoned Me and did not abandon My Torah! because observing the Torah would have brought them around to God again."

The term "Eichah," which Moshe utilizes in our parsha when he says "Eichah Esa L'vadi?" (1:12) – how could I carry this burden myself – is a powerful term which expresses a longing for every ideal imaginable: time, circumstance, peers, community.

 In a sermon he delivered in 1964, Rabbi Norman Lamm argued that the intention behind paralleling Adam to Israel is the teaching that "Israel's exile issues from a human failing rather than a specifically Jewish weakness."

 The word "Eichah"'s chief connotation is one of doom and gloom. That could be Moshe's intent when talking about the burden of leading the people alone. It was certainly Yirmiyahu's intent. Was it also God's intent with Adam?

 Following Rabbi Lamm's understanding of the parallel in the Midrash, the word Eichah, in our Parsha, in the Haftorah this week, in Megillat Eichah, and indeed even in the Adam story, teaches us a powerful lesson in what it means to lament over the loss of an ideal.

The earlier of the two Midrashic paragraphs that have been quoted here (Intro:2) suggested that abandoning God might not have been so terrible as long as the Torah had not been abandoned. The argument was that the Torah is the true anchor to God.

 In other words, falling in love with God alone – without the Torah – is not our way. A Jewish life that is governed by Torah observance, first and foremost, according to the Midrash, is what brings a person back to God.

 It's a hard sell to a rationalist. Why would anyone observe the Torah without believing in God? Perhaps the Torah has universal truths which speak to people who want to be a part of it, but have difficulty with accepting an all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful, invisible God.

 But this is the message of "Ayekah." No person who is committed to Torah can survive very long in the system without coming to some kind of epiphany that God plays an essential role in all of this. "Where are you, Adam? Where are you, Mankind?" Can you really hide forever? Do you think I won't find you? Torah comes first. Not God.

 The people, at the time of Temple's destruction, imagined that God could only be found in the Temple, but nowhere else.

 With this in mind, Rabbi Lamm proposed a few opposite-ended questions which may help us drive one of the important messages of Tisha B'Av into our systems.

 What makes you think that you can declare any place in the world out-of-bounds for God? May a man hate his brother, so long as he prays in the Bet Hamikdash? May he exploit his worker and drive his slaves, as long as he brings his sacrifices regularly to Jerusalem?

 "When you restrict God only to the Synagogue, then He refuses to dwell even in the Synagogue." Parallel statements about when we pick and choose the manner in which we observe Torah and Halakha are easily understood.

We dress one way in shul and school, and with no rules in other places. We keep separate dishes in our homes, but aren't careful about kosher standards outside the home. We would never go to places of ill-repute in our neighborhood, but on vacation or when no one knows us, all bets are off. We would never speak inappropriately, but we don't object to being around others who do. The list goes on.

The message of Eichah and Ayeka is a lament over where we could be. We need not pretend we can hide from God. We must strive to have our external and our internal lives match one another – to be the most wholesome people we can be.

Even Moshe's lament about his leadership is a poignant reminder that we in the Jewish community need not go about this alone. We have one another, and we must utilize one another, to create a system that helps us raise and better our lives and Jewish experiences to the exponential power we can achieve through unwavering personal and communal support for such efforts.

How to Judge

Parshat Devarim


by Rabbi Avi Billet


The book of Devarim begins (1:12-18) with Moshe reminding the people of how when the Law was first given he was unable to personally deal with every dispute. At the time, he appointed a tier system of judges over specific population sizes to work with the people. Moshe would serve, in a sense, as the equivalent of the Supreme Court (sans the politics), as the highest arbiter of the law, whose decisions are final.

          
It is worth noting that the way Moshe describes what he did at the time is mostly a reflection of the steps he took following the advice given to him by his father-in-law Yitro in Shmot 18. The Or HaChaim uses that story to indicate the Torah's approach to learning from anyone who has wisdom to share – Yitro being a model non-Jew who was able to teach Moshe organizational skills.

          
In his recounting of those early days of appointing judges, Moshe recalls the instructions that were given to the initial appointees: "Listen to every dispute among your brethren, and judge honestly between each man and his brother [or] his 'ger.'" (1:16) He continues to describe how favoritism is to be avoided, whether based on wealth, looks, or some other criteria. Just judge by the book, based on the evidence presented.

          
In order to understand what this form of judging means, we need to understand what the term "ger" means in this context. While "ger" sometimes means "convert" or "proselyte," the fact is that one who has converted to Judaism is really supposed to be referred to as a convert for one second – at the moment of conversion. Afterwards, the person is meant to be included in the term "his brother" – because one who has joined the Jewish people is a full Jew (with a few restrictions on certain positions they may hold, which do not transfer to their children).

          
It could be referring to a "ger toshav" – what we might call a "righteous gentile" or a non-Jew who has opted to live with the Jewish people, abide by the 7 Noahide Laws, and accept Jewish sovereignty. This category would clearly be distinct from "his brother."

          
Rashi offers two interpretations. The first focuses on the word "his" (which is a one-letter suffix in Hebrew), which Rashi explains to mean "his litigant." Rashi comes to this interpretation from a play on words from the word "agur," which means one who "collects arguments" to present against him in court. This likely refers to a litigant who is classified differently than a "brother" – who comes to court to settle a friendly dispute – particularly one who comes as an adversary.

          
Rashi's second interpretation is that the word "ger" is a play on words on a similar word which means "where one lives" (think "gur ba'aretz"), referring to people who are dividing property, such as siblings who are splitting physical objects they inherited together.

          
Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch expands the sphere, saying "his ger" may refer to a neighbor, or one who lives under the same roof (think apartment buildings or condo units).

What is clear from these commentaries, the 'ger' in this context seems to refer to anything but a convert.

          
I think the message of "his ger" is that disputes – some may be civil, some uncivil –  come up with those who are fairly close to you and they should be brought before the magistrate and adjudicated.

          
While this may be informative as to when or in what circumstance a case is to be brought before the court, it does not instruct us as to how to go about presenting the cases best so they can be judged properly.

          
Which leaves us with the tale Rabbi Hertz shares in his Chumash. It is a Chassidic tale of a rabbi's wife who has a dispute with her "ozeret" (helper), who decides to present her case to a court. As she leaves the house, her husband rushes to accompany her, and when she asks him why he is coming, he says, "To provide a defense for the other woman, who will otherwise not have an advocate before the court."

          
The word "ger" can mean "stranger," and it can also mean "other." And the message of this tale is the message of how to judge others.

          
Maybe the best way to judge others is really not to judge others. But human nature is such that we always see ourselves as being right and the other person as being wrong. And we do rush to judge. And while some cases are black and white (like the shooter apprehended in Colorado in the aftermath of his horrific act), most cases between people are gray and have two sides to the story.

          
And it does not matter who the other side is – whether the person is wealthy, poor, a prominent person in a community, a maid, or even a derelict. Every person has a story, every perspective should have a chance to be heard, and after all sides are presented and defended, a judgment can be made.

            
As we come to Tisha B'Av once again, we are reminded of the kinds of behavior that Chazal tell us brought about the destruction of Jerusalem and the Holy Temple. May our shift to reserving judgment until after we've heard both sides serve as a merit for us to let us see the Temple rebuilt, speedily in our days.

Contrition Crying

Parshat Devarim

by Rabbi Avi Billet

The first Tisha B'Av memory is the incident of the spies, which set in stone the concept of a"b'khiya l'dorot" – a date on which all future generations will have reason to cry. (Taanit 29a)

In the immediate aftermath of the spies debacle, a group of people realized the folly of their complaints and tried to save face through mounting an offensive which was thrown back by Emorites. When our parsha recalls that incident (Devarim 1:45), it is Moshe who recounts it to the people saying, "You returned [from the defeat at the hands of the Emorites] and wept before God; and He did not listen your voice, and did not give an ear to you."

In his commentary, Rabbi J.H. Hertz provides the most profound and poignant message. God did not listen "because their weeping was not the outcome of sorrow over sin; but of sorrow over the consequences of sin. This feeling the old theologians named 'attrition'; in contrast with the sincere penitence – the sorrow over sin itself – which they called contrition. There is all the difference in the world between a man who is contrite and one who is merely 'attrite.'"

Have you ever seen a defendant in court (even on TV) who is obviously guilty? Sometimes the defense lawyer can get the person off on a technicality. Some truly feel badly, but can justify their actions with 'self-defense' (which is generally a valid argument when true). Others have no remorse, but know the prosecution has no real case.

Through the trial and ordeal, they remain stone-faced, showing no emotion. Now the verdict comes in. "Innocent" – defendant is all smiles. "Guilty" – only now, when the realization that "I am going to pay dearly for my actions" sets in, does a person break down and cry. The latter case is 'attrition' – when the "consequences" of my actions cause my feelings of regret and remorse, whilst my actions don't move my stone-cold heart.

"Contrition"is the realization I come to on my own, irrespective of others, that the sin is a bad one, and that there is much work to be done to achieve any semblance of atonement.

We live in a time where "attrition" generally carries the day. I am always right. You are always wrong. There is nothing you can say to get me to change. I am the greatest gift to mankind, and if something comes along and proves I am wrong, that fact or person is lying.

It is only when someone kicks me in the pants real hard that I realize that I have fallen into the mud and that there's a lot of cleaning up that needs to take place before I can get back on my feet. And I only feel this way because I am dirty right now, and I need to look presentable right away.

Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik said (11/12/73), "Prayer is an art. We have totally forgotten this art. Today it is no more than a mechanical performance. True prayer is more than this. It is an attitude, a state of mind, creating a mood and temperament for the worshiper. It is an exciting experience and an adventure." (Rakeffet, "The Rav, Volume I", KTAV Publishers, p. 146)

In my own life, I have seen very few people who experience true prayer the way Rabbi Soloveitchik described it. I've come to a point that I no longer look at those who cry on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and Tisha B'Av and think "What's wrong with that guy?" Now I say, "What's wrong with me? How come I can't feel it? How come I can't connect to what I'm doing in such a manner? How come I can't speak to God with heartfelt sincerity? How come I am incapable of letting go, letting everything all out on the table, to ask God to help me, to forgive me, to guide me to the truth and His light?"

Truth be told, this is a lifelong struggle. Some spend a lifetime climbing to a goal, some never quite make it, and some give up along the way.

The question becomes one of attitude and focus. Will we be those who cry from attrition – no apologies, just distaste from the consequences of our actions? Or will we be the ones who are truly penitent, who can admit our mistakes and learn from them after we realize we've committed them? This is a great act of contrition.

As the years continue to bring us further and further from the destroyed Temples, we begin by taking the time to figure out why we are still mourning on Tisha B'Av. If we can pray sincerely, and cry on account of the moving Kinot, our contrition-inspired prayers will help us move mountains in our lifelong quest of getting closer to God.

A Time to Mourn?

A slightly modified version of this article appears in the Jewish Star

Parshat Devarim / Pre Tisha B'Av

Like most of us who have been up to date on local news, I don't think Jewish scholarship in women is something we need to mourn for on Tisha B'Av. I think the more Jewish knowledge that is out there, that can be shared with those who will hear, that can be taught to our children, is a good thing.

But where I feel we need to mourn on Tisha B'Av comes from a reference in chapter two of Devarim 2:16-17. "And it was after the entire generation of soldiers died from amongst the people… And then God spoke to me saying…"

Rashi suggests that since the word which is used to convey God's love is "Vayomer" (and He said) instead of "Vaydaber" (and He spoke), this means God's conversations with Moshe since that time were more one-sided, that Moshe did not "converse" with God in the face-to-face manner he had otherwise enjoyed previously until the first generation died out completely. This teaches us that the prophets only come to help out Israel when Israel is worthy.

Over the last few years, I have heard a number of well-known rabbis speak of what they felt was the biggest threat to Judaism today: the failures of Jewish education. As much learning as there is, as much as we personally learn, and as much as we support, we are still not conveying to our children, and thus to the next generation, why we care and why they should care.

Many schools do a fine job of educating our youth. But the reality is that every school fails miserably. When Jewish children leave a yeshiva elementary school, and certainly high school, not knowing: how to read Hebrew, how to translate basic Chumash, the overall storyline and narrative of the Torah, some of the works of the Neviim (prophets) and Ketuvim (writings), basic Jewish history and other basic knowledge, why Judaism is important, why our ancestors died for the Torah, the struggle of faith, the challenges we face in our lives, then we have what to mourn.

Why do kids rebel? Why do kids reject? Why do we assume they will only come around when they get to Israel and become inspired?

Because it doesn't mean enough to us, or we don't know how to properly convey why it is meaningful. We can't express in words why we keep shabbos, why we spend more money on kosher food, why we spend so so so much money to make sure our kids get the Jewish education that fails them. And why we don't back up what they are taught in school with similar values and education at home. And that's because we fail them.

God didn't talk to Moshe in a loving way for 38 years because the people were not deserving. The generation Moshe lead was going to die. They spent 38 years waiting for their ends to come. And during that time, God did not have a loving word to say to them through Moshe.

When we wonder why it sometimes feels as if God doesn't speak to us, it is because as good as we think we are, we are still not doing enough to transmit all we stand for to the next generation. Is it our place to live out our lives waiting to die so the next generation can go to the Promised Land? If God did not declare we have nothing to live for except for our time to finish up so we can pass a baton, we have no right to give up on ourselves or our children.

I encounter too many adults who go through the motions of an observant life and I wonder why they bother. They don't seem to care about davening, learning, lashon hara, laws against gambling, lewd behavior, modesty in behavior and dress. Until we are successful at cleaning up our own house and setting goals for ourselves that correspond to the lifestyle we seem to want to model for our children (as indicated by the places we send them to be educated), the question over what we new things we mourn for on Tisha B'Av remains an open book.

Every man and every woman needs to first come to grips with the statement of Ben Zoma in the beginning of the fourth chapter of Avot. "Who is rich? The one who is happy with one's portion." I will never be a kohen or a levi. I will never be a king. I will never be a mother. I will never know what it means to be loved by a husband.

A woman will have a different list of what she will never be.

I am content with my lot, and try to make the most of the things I can be and the opportunities I have to reach out to other people. And heaven knows, I have a long way to go in becoming the best I can be.

When we can teach ourselves and our children that our lives are meant to be more Theocentric than egocentric, then perhaps God will speak to us again.

Until then, the mourning comes because we do not have enough men and women who are personally inspired and who are subsequently inspiring ourselves and our children.