Seeking and Seeing the Good

Parshat Balak 

by Rabbi Avi Billet

One of the more profound lessons that appears in our liturgy is in Tehillim 128 – “See the good of Jerusalem all the days of your life.”

Beyond Jerusalem itself, the verse serves as an important reminder to have a positive outlook, an approach not shared by anyone in the parsha.

Balak perceives the Jewish people and just sees them as a conquering horde. Balak’s first impression of Bilaam is that he’s a guy who thinks Balak’s men aren’t good enough for him, and that he is driven only by money. Balak’s emissaries see Bilaam as a person difficult to work with – he might be standing on principle in refusing to accompany them if God doesn’t let him. But seriously, as he clearly wants to go, his excuses seem kind of pathetic.

Even the donkey – after it smashes his leg, Bilaam is so fed up that he forgets all the good times he has had with the donkey, saying “If I only had a sword I’d kill you.” To which the donkey says, “Aren’t I your donkey? I’ve carried you hundreds of miles – and this is how you treat me?”

And then when Bilaam and Balak finally meet, at every turn Balak is faced with the reality that he should have never hired Bilaam.

Why did Balak really have a gripe against Israel? What would have happened if Moav had sent a messenger to Israel, instead of to Bilaam, saying “What are your plans? We saw what you did to Sichon and Og, both of whom attacked you. We are Semites – we are actually your cousins. Yaakov and Moav were 2nd cousins. What is your plan?”

They probably would have been told that God has no beef with them, that Israel has no beef with them, and that if they would be allowed to cross over the Jordan in peace, everything would be fine. The plagues and battles which follow could have been avoided with simple communication and real diplomacy.

No one looks for the positive in this story. No “thanks” for making the trip from Pethor to Moav. No “respect” for Bilaam’s relationship with his god. No “thanks” for a donkey that has served you well for many years. No “concern” for the young men who accompany Bilaam, who seem to disappear once the donkey takes over his scene. No “admiration” for a nation who suffered hundreds of years of hardship, 40 years in the wilderness, who defended themselves from attacks by Sichon and Og, when all they wanted was to get to the Promised Land – all of which should have no bearing on Moav’s future!

Seeing the good of Jerusalem means to acknowledge positivity.

Arguably the best way to acknowledge positivity in the human relationship is through kind words.

Rav Dessler famously said that the definition of love is the ability to give. There are many ways to give tangible items, but other ways to give include giving one’s time, a listening ear, or throughthey are great at giving compliments.

Dr. Robert Waldinger is the 4th director of a Harvard Study that followed 724 men over a period of 75 years, to see what drives them, their goals in life, etc, and what the study found he summarized in this way in a TED talk: “Good relationships make us happier and healthier. Period.” In more detail, he talked about the quality of the relationships we have, and the need to not feel lonely, even when in a relationship.

In a different Google talk, a man named Andrew Horn, suggested that the best way to get the most out of relationships essentially focuses on seeing the good in them.

First, be interested in others. Being interested in others is what makes us interesting. Imagine if we make every friendly conversation about the other person (unless it’s a discussion of ideas, debate, or learning)

Second, we can give to others, make relationships more deep, profound and meaningful, when we add a simple opening word to catch phrases we might say all the time. Instead of “I love you” say “I love you because…” and then finish the sentence. Because you inspire me. Because of the care you show for others. Because you are wonderful in so many ways. Instead of “Thank you” or “Thanks” say “Thank you for” and then finish the sentence. For being there, for caring, for making this meal, for hosting me, for sharing with me from your life experience.

Finally, we can be complimentary through shifting around the line, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all,” and instead having a philosophy of, “If you have anything nice to say, say it all.”

That thought is reminiscent of Hillel’s famous line of “Don’t do to others what is hateful to you.” But flipped to the positive, which person does not like compliments, does not like to hear a positive vibe, or does not appreciate a warm encounter?

The only person who ends up being complimentary in our Parsha is Bilaam towards the Jewish people. He’s the one who says the phrase which begins our daily prayer service, “How good are your tents, Jacob, your dwelling places, Israel!”

If he could find complimentary things to say about the Jewish people, despite all the imperfections we know we have, we should all be able to find nice things to say about people we love and care for in our lives. In particular as we enter the 3-weeks period leading up to Tisha B’Av, the idea of enhancing relationships should be a focus we can all appreciate.