by Rabbi Avi Billet
In our post feminist world, a case in Devarim 22 is very troubling.
It
concerns a man who marries and after consummating his marriage finds that he
hates his wife. Instead of following the Torah's instruction for how to absolve
a marriage through divorce (as is described in Devarim 24), he chooses to
invent charges against her that she was unfaithful.
The
most likely reason he invents the charges is to get himself out of having to
pay her Ketubah – or whatever contractual agreement he entered in the marriage.
In other words, he makes up a story to save a few shekels.
Of course her parents get all up in arms and do all they can to produce evidence to prove their daughter's innocence. If the evidence is accepted, "The city elders shall then take the man and flog him. They shall fine him 100 [shekels] of silver [as a penalty] for defaming an Israelite virgin, and give it to the girl's father. [The man] must then keep [the girl] as his wife, and may not send her away as long as he lives." (22:18-19)
Wait a minute. Did you catch that?
He may not send her away as long as he lives? Isn't this supposed to be his
punishment? What about her? Must she be condemned to live with this ingrate,
this despicable individual who clearly doesn't like her, and who will go so far
as to make up stories about her rather than go through the proper channels of
either reconciliation, or, if need be, divorce, just in order to save himself
some money? Why must she be stuck to this low-life? What about her life?
The Talmud (Ketubot 40a) explains
that in cases similar to this (and if the parallel is not clear in the Talmud,
the Torah Temimah assures us that it should be clear), the girl has every
right, and is even instructed, to say "I don't want him." Her
refusal, as the Malbim explains, gives her an easy out, and rids her of this
nuisance of a man who doesn't deserve her, who tried to destroy her life. If
she doesn't want him, there is no longer a positive commandment that he must
marry her.
Let us assume for a moment that
after whatever thought process, the girl decides she wants to stay with him.
Maybe she thinks no one else will want her. After the accusation, anyone who Googles
her name (even after she is proven innocent) will see the accusation at the top
of every internet search of her name. She will really have no shot at a life
other than with this man.
How is his inability to ever get rid
of her a punishment to him, while at the same time being in some way to her
benefit?
Certainly once upon a time, being
married was automatically beneficial to a woman, as she was supported by her
husband. And in Biblical and Talmudic times, any of the following scenarios
would not present an out for him – absolution from responsibility.
Even if he somehow succeeded in divorcing her, he had to take her back (Yerushalmi Ketubot 3:6). Even if he discovers a real flaw in her, which could have absolved him of his marriage responsibilities – she becomes blind or lame, etc. - he is stuck. He must maintain and support her. (Sifrei) Even if she is barren for ten years, a condition which is viewed in some circles as grounds for divorce, he must maintain her (Malbim).
All of these indicate that even were
she to become an undesirable for whatever reason, she must still be taken care
of by her husband or his estate. This is an incredible guarantee which has no
precedent anywhere else. Obviously most people who marry for the long haul,
will be in tune to take care of one another no matter what conditions come up.
Equally obvious is that the man who
fabricates a story to save a little money will not hesitate to jump ship when
the going gets a little rougher. And so he needs an incentive to change who he
is.
It must be understood that the
Torah's rules only work for people who are committed to following them, who
accept the ruling of a court and who do their best to follow the law. Every
person tries to cut corners here and there, but when the judge in a court says
to follow a ruling based on Torah principles, the devout person becomes
grounded and does his best to comply.
The Torah says, "She must be a
wife to him. He may not send her all of his days." Pay careful attention
to the nuance. The onus is now on he who was careless about another person's
feelings and reputation to now recognize that he must grow up and embrace
another person in his life.
"She must be a wife to
him" is reminding him how he must always view her. She is his wife. He
must raise her up, must cherish her, and must find ways to honor and appreciate
her. He may never shirk this responsibility.
It forces him to change his entire approach to females and to this woman in particular. Since she will now be with him for the long haul, if he does not want to have a miserable life, he must be the most amazing husband, doting, pampering, respectful, loving. In short, his bond is meant to turn him into a real mentsch.
Our communities (and faith communities in general) are the biggest proponents for marriage. And while divorce rates are rising, and are, in some cases, absolutely necessary, it is only through the method described in the Torah – that the man must write for and give his wife a divorce document – that marriages must end. The concept of the present-day "Agunah crisis" is so anti-Torah, it is a stain on any community that supports the use of a Get as a tool of extortion or preventing a woman from being able to move on with her life. Property and custody battles not withstanding. (Fight if you must, but without using the Get as a bargaining tool.)
The message given through this obnoxious husband is that the marriage union must be respected, and that a man must do what he can to see his woman as "his wife," who is to be honored and respected (see Rambam Hilchot Ishut 15:19). And while divorce is sometimes an option, if it is done through the prism of respecting another human being and the Torah's instruction, it is taken care of through the proper channels – with a divorce document that frees both people to move on with their lives.
An even better option, however, when divorce isn't absolutely necessary, is for people to view their marriage as sacrosanct, and to work very hard to do what is possible to raise the other person up. People who view their responsibilities in marriage as givers and supporters, rather than as takers and selfish individuals, have a much better chance of living out the blessing of the mitzvah here: "He can not send her away for the rest of his life" because he loves her so much and treats her so well, he cannot imagine a life without her as the center of his universe.
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