Intermarriage Education

See here for my previous posting on this subject

Parshat Shoftim

by Rabbi Avi Billet

For as far back as I can remember, I have heard rabbis and community leaders utilize catch phrases in public lectures: "We must stem the tide of assimilation!" and "Intermarriage rates are skyrocketing!"

            

Most Jews I have met who grew up in the 1920s and 30s married Jewish and tried to raise Jewish children. Marrying a non-Jew was out of the question – and perhaps in a slightly more bigoted and less-tolerant society the feeling was mutual.

            

Many Jews who grew up in the 40s and 50s were fed similar instructions. But perhaps the emergence of Israel as a state created a human, and even admirable face to the enigma of the Jew, and marrying whomever for love began to become an option.

Nowadays, with intermarriage in the United States being over 50%, many Jewish children grow up hearing, "As long as you love your spouse, as long as you are happy, it doesn't matter to us." More than likely, a number of parents who don't inculcate the need for their children to marry Jewish don't themselves understand why it should be important.

This is not to say any Jewish parents whose child married out did not try very hard to teach their children, nor is it to suggest they are failures. In our society, people choose spouses, often enough without, despite, or deliberately against their parents' input. More couples than I can count have said to me, "I am not happy about my kid's choices. But what can I do? I still love him/her."

Is intermarriage bad?

Not wishing to be judgmental, or to point fingers, let us just say that it is particularly frowned upon in the Talmud (Yevamot 76a, Kiddushin 68b, Avodah Zara 36b) and its commentaries, and most clearly in the words of Maimonides (Laws of Forbidden Relations chapter 12).

The Torah itself says (Devarim 7:3) "Do not marry them, don't give your daughter to his son, nor take his daughter for your son."

In all fairness, one of the Talmudic debates directly addresses the question of whether this verse applies only to the 7 Nations of Canaan, even if they convert, or to all non-Jewish nations who do not convert. Other than people from a few nations that no longer exist, those who convert are no longer subject to the prohibition of this kind of inter-marriage. After all, one who converts is a Jew.

The main reason given for the prohibition, as described by Targum Yonatan, is that a nuptial of this sort paints one as having married (embraced) the other person's gods. While the Talmud in Kiddushin goes back and forth postulating whether a man follows his wife's religion, or whether a woman follows her husband's, all of which has repercussions in defining whether the children of such a union are Jewish (the Talmud's conclusion is that only a Jewish mother bears Jewish children), the verse in 7:3 suggests that either union does not promote the kind of Jewish continuity that our People need. Rabbi S.R. Hirsch has a powerful essay on this point in his Torah commentary on this verse.

The Torah's solid prohibition of intermarriage often comes into question in the context of next week's parsha, in the opening section about the "Yefat To'ar" – the beautiful, sometimes married, woman that an Israelite soldier brings home from the battlefield. (21:11-13) Rashi there says the Torah responds to one's evil inclination.

The problem is exacerbated, however, because the permissive mode comes up elsewhere: in the war with Midyan (Bamidbar 31:9,18) and in our parsha (Devarim 20:13-14). In these cases, the Torah does not seem to be responding to a particular lust – it is saying that the female prisoners of war are now available to you.

            

The Alshich in our parsha couches it all nicely saying the intent is to reflect and change one's ways through utilizing these people in helping one perform commandments.

            

In an article discussing Yefat Toar, Rabbi Michael Rosensweig addressed the question of the Torah's allowing these kinds of unions.

            

His message is quite relevant here.

            

A careful study of the Yefat Toar process affirms the need to "refashion one's emotional response to avoid even sanctioned halachic compromise."  Quoting the Kli Yakar, Rabbi Rosensweig noted that "in order to succeed against the concrete enemy on the battlefield, one must first struggle internally to refine one's halachic values and vanquish the yetzer ha-ra that is accentuated by the passions of battle." The Rabbis spoke of the negative consequences of marrying the Yefat Toar, even if it is a legal union, consequences Rabbi Rosensweig described as coming from "diluted and compromised standards of discipline, restraint, and mutual respect, [which are otherwise] cornerstones of the halachic vision of sanctity in family life."

That the Torah allows these unions specifically as a result of war stands to indicate that even these unions, valid in a specific context, are far from ideal. Suggesting "the Torah allows it and it is therefore OK all the time" is an invalid argument.

There are many people who intermarry who nonetheless agree to raise their children Jewish. I would invite the non-Jewish spouse who is raising Jewish children to consider converting – why not be completely on the same page as your children?

For the sake of the future of our People, while I hope we all bear only friendly will towards our non-Jewish neighbors, coworkers and friends, it behooves us to remind ourselves and our children (and extended family!) that we marry Jews to maintain our heritage and to preserve the best way to serve God according to the dictates of the Torah.