Some Thoughts on Divorce, and the Get

Parshat Ki Tetze

by Rabbi Avi Billet 

Divorce is not a funny subject. Jokes about divorce, on the other hand, could be funny. 

Many years ago, I attended a lecture given by a Dayan from England, on the topic of divorce – the talk was a serious one, and the messages he shared about working on a marriage and doing whatever possible to save a marriage were quite valuable – while he also acknowledged that some divorces (though possibly not all proposed divorces) need to take place. 

 Before he began his lecture, he said, in an unmistakable British accent, “Before I begin, I may as well get the old joke out of the way,” and he began to tell of a loving husband who was asking his wife what she wanted for her birthday… each offer was summarily rejected. 

“My dear, would you like to go on a cruise to a Greek Island?” No 

“My dear, then how about I buy you a cruise ship?” No 

“My dear, forget about those initial offers! I’ll buy you a Greek Island!” No 

“Then what would you like for your birthday?” “I want a divorce!” 

“Sorry. This I can’t afford.” 

The audience laughed at the JOKE. But some people took offense, perhaps because it hit too close to home. The rabbi (not the visiting Dayan) was accosted by some people, and he encouraged them to just take the joke for what it was – an attempt at humor that worked with most people – and move on. This is a good policy in general when it comes to humor, or to jokes you don’t like. 

Jewish joke books are replete with jokes about the subject. This one had me laugh out loud: 

The melamed brought his problem to the rabbi. “I’m ashamed to say this, Rabbi, but I want to divorce my wife,” he confessed. 

 “Now see here,” the rabbi scolded, “that is no way for a Godly man to talk. You, of all people! Surely you know what the Talmud says: ‘When a man divorceth his wife not only the angels but the very stones weepeth!’” 

 “Yes, I know the saying very well, but if the angels and the stones must weepeth, that is their business. I want to singeth a songeth of joyeth!” (Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor, edited by Henry D. Spalding, 1969, p. 153) 

That passage referenced by the rabbi in the joke is from Tractate Gittin (90b), Rabbi Elazar’s comment that when a divorce takes place, even the mizbeach (altar) sheds tears. Rambam (Laws of Gerushin (Divorce) 10:21) encourages a man to make every effort not to divorce his first wife, if the marriage is salvageable. Things can be different with a second marriage, where if it doesn’t work out, there is no need to try to save it. 

 The source Rambam mentions (and this is also codified by the Shulchan Arukh Even HaEzer 119:3) is Devarim 24:1 (see below). Rama notes in the Shulchan Arukh that there is also a distinction to be made when the man is divorcing and surprising his wife with it vs if they are both aware of the need for their separation – in the latter case, the effort to save the first marriage is not as critical. 

 As noted at the beginning, in practical terms, divorce is no joking matter. The Torah’s reasoning for the initiation of divorce is spelled out in the verse: 

1When a man takes a wife and is intimate with her, and it happens that she does not find favor in his eyes because he discovers in her an unseemly [moral] matter, and he writes for her a bill of divorce and places it into her hand, and sends her away from his house,

אכִּֽי־יִקַּ֥ח אִ֛ישׁ אִשָּׁ֖ה וּבְעָלָ֑הּ וְהָיָ֞ה אִם־לֹ֧א תִמְצָא־חֵ֣ן בְּעֵינָ֗יו כִּי־מָ֤צָא בָהּ֙ עֶרְוַ֣ת דָּבָ֔ר וְכָ֨תַב לָ֜הּ סֵ֤פֶר כְּרִיתֻת֙ וְנָתַ֣ן בְּיָדָ֔הּ וְשִׁלְּחָ֖הּ מִבֵּיתֽוֹ:

This pins the dissolution of the marriage on her moral behavior. Nowadays, with so many divorces being initiated by women as well (though the mitzvah remains for him to write the bill of divorce and give it to her), the reasons for divorce are far too many to enumerate or spell out, since every situation and story is different. Every side can play the blame game and point to the flaws of the other party, noting purported immorality or some other claim that has led to “irreconcilable differences.” 

There is an entire tractate (Gittin) and section in the Tur and Shulchan Arukh (Simanim 119-154, plus the Siddur HaGet which follows 154), and in the Rambam (Hilchos Gerushin) covering how the procedure of divorce is carried out. There have been many Teshuvot (responsa) over the centuries dealing with every case under the sun, as well as books written about Jewish marriage, Jewish divorce, and how to produce the best outcome for everyone. 

Dissolving a marriage can either go: civilly, we are both human beings who might not be able to live with one another anymore, we just need to divide assets, figure out living arrangements, and what is in the best interest of our children; or uncivilly, in which former spouses can’t talk to each other, can’t even refer to each other by name (“my ex”), fight over everything, forget that if they have children they need to be on the same page as far as raising them (to not give mixed messages), forget that the other person is a human being, forget that the other person is a parent to their shared children (and engage in alienation), and speak Lashon Hora about the former spouse to anyone who will listen (even though in some cases it may seem or even be very justified!). In this kind of divorce, the get might be wrongly used by either party as a leverage tool in their settlement dispute – he through not giving the get, she by not accepting the get. 

 It is acknowledged that there are places in between where some couples fall in their divorce proceedings. It is also acknowledged that some civil divorce disputes have the get tied to their final agreement – so if not granted earlier, it is not because of recalcitrance, but because they are still negotiating. It should also be noted that drawn out divorces has no one but the attorneys winning. 

 In his Tosefes Bracha, Rabbi Baruch HaLevi Epstein has an essay on the “bill of divorce” the man is supposed to give his wife at the severance of their marriage, noting its most used name – גט (get) – as he aims to source where that word comes from. He presents several possibilities: 

1. The numerical value of גט = 12 (3+9), referencing the number of lines in the document 

2. The two letters don’t naturally go together, so they represent separation 

3. There’s a stone called a gita (גיטא) which naturally repels other stones – so a divorce document which separates a couple is named for it 

4. A woman is obligated to do 9 things (ט) for her husband, and a man is obligated to do 3 things (ג) for his wife. The word גט symbolizes the things they are no longer required to do/provide for one another (her nine are 1. grinding flour, 2. baking, 3. cooking, 4. laundering, 5. spinning wool, 6. nursing her children, 7. making the bed, 8. pouring his cup, 9. washing his hands, face and feet; his three are providing for her 1. sustenance, 2. clothing, 3. marital relations) [Modernity has made some of her “requirements” much easier, and some null.] 

5. Rejecting all of these as “cute” or not a “real” reason, he suggests that the word get is missing the Hebrew letter א, the dropping of the א being common enough in Biblical Hebrew (see Bereshis 30:11, 42:11, Devarim 11:12, Shmuel I 1:17, Tehillim 12:2) and elsewhere, suggesting instead that the word comes from the Latin ācta (which he writes as AKT – and means “documents”) – based on the premise that a hard G and K are interchangeable (e.g. it was originally called אגט – ”Agt”). In the Talmud the word get is often used to describe other documents as well, so it has less, if anything, to do with being symbolic of divorce. 

 Divorce is in a category of Mitzvos that I call “optional” in the sense that there isn’t “a Mitzvah to get divorced” (those who marry once “until death do they part” never fulfill the mitzvos associated with divorce). If divorce has to happen, the Torah gives us guidelines – the main mitzvah is to write and deliver the get. The Torah’s divorce guidance provides for severance, but not alimony. It gives limited guidelines for what is best for the children, which is unfortunate, because sometimes that is the biggest source of conflict. The giving of the get, in general, should not be delayed or withheld for any reason other than simple logistics. (See Sefer HaChinukh, Mitzvah 579) 

Most importantly, the Torah’s method of divorce is meant to help two Jews realize that while their marriage is over, and they are no longer responsible for one another, that does not mean they need to hate each other or destroy one another’s lives. The ideal divorce is amicable, perhaps sad over the loss of whatever potential was not actualized, while wishing one another well for the remainder of the years of life God will give to each person.