Parshat Tazria Metzora*
by Rabbi Avi Billet
Parshat Tazria begins with the depiction of a woman who gives birth to a male, followed by her days of impurification then her days of purification. Then it describes her giving birth to a female, followed by her days of impurification then her days of purification, which in both cases are double that which she had after birthing the male. [Why double is a subject of a different discussion.]
Is having a daughter or is having a son a greater blessing?
In much of Rabbinic Literature, there is an emphasis on aiming to have male children. This sentiment crosses cultures, as per the famous mini-speech given by Luca Brasi: “Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child.” But it’s not limited to Italians – this was certainly the case throughout history. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Son_preference]
The Talmud Niddah 28a gives a cryptic suggestion for what makes for a male child to be born, versus what makes for a female child to be born [The Midrash goes in a different direction]. An interesting analysis of what that passage means was written by Dr. Jeremy Brown and can be found here:
Of course, even with all that, there are no guarantees for anything. I would offer a counterargument that, as having children is very much in God’s hands (He is identified as the 3rd partner in creation in Kiddushin 30b and in Niddah 31b), more important is the effort than the result. After all, as I once heard from Rabbi JD Bleich, the Talmud (Shabbos 31a) includes in the list of questions people are asked by a Heavenly Court, עסקת בפריה ורביה, which means “Did you make an effort at reproducing?” Unfortunately, and tragically, for some people the effort does not produce the desired outcome for reasons that are beyond our understanding. There is no blame to cast, no finger to point. There is only to embrace people at wherever they are and in whatever hand they are dealt and whatever path they find themselves.
The Talmud (Yevamos 61b) has a discussion of what the fulfillment of the Mitzvah of Pru Urvu (having children) is, with Beis Shammai opining that it is to have two males, while Beis Hillel says a male and a female. Once again, as this is something that is not in our control (even with the “tricks” some people have to “get the kind of child” you want), it is important to emphasize that Beis Shammai and Beis Hillel were arguing over a “text book definition” – irrespective of realities and the emotions attached to circumstances of infertility. Rabbi Bleich’s insight reminds us that no one should feel guilty if they tried.
There are two braisas later quoted in the Talmud (on 62a), suggesting a different outcome. Beis Shammai says the mitzvah is fulfilled with 2 males and 2 females, while Beis Hillel says 1 male and 1 female. The second braisa has Rabbi Natan quoting Beis Shammai saying a male and a female, while Beis Hillel says a male or a female. Rava explains, based on Yeshayahu 45:18 that even bringing one child into the world is a way of inhabiting the world.
The Talmud (Baba Basra 141a) discusses such seemingly trivial matters as to whether having a son or a daughter is preferred. Reading through the passage, the Talmud is ignoring one’s emotional feelings, as it is discussing more practical matters, such as long-term issues of care and financial support. A son is presumed to be preferred because he carries his father’s name and maintains the ancestral heritage, while the daughter (usually) does not. A son is presumed to not need financial support in his adulthood, while (certainly in Talmudic times) women may have a more difficult time of having that financial support. Granted, this is the Talmud looking at its sociological reality. And I would venture to say that many women are very capable of being breadwinners, and some are extremely successful! Anecdotally, however, I sometimes find the Talmud’s assumption to be the case as well today, especially when women come collecting for themselves and explain their need as being partially (or significantly) attributed to their being widowed or divorced.
The Talmud’s point is that to fulfill a father’s “obligation” of providing comfort, a daughter is preferred. Rashbam notes that women were not as successful when asking for charity, and Ra’avad (Avraham the Av Beit Din) felt that women with a larger dowry would be more desirable to potential suitors.
The Talmud in Baba Basra also says a well-known line “A daughter first is a good sign for sons.” This too is subject to varying interpretations, such that she will be a good “second mother” in helping to raise her younger siblings (the Talmud’s suggestion), or that she is a good omen that sons will follow her. Another view is that having a bechor (first born son) could be a source of jealousy to others, or even to younger siblings! Having a first-born daughter eliminates any jealousy from those who might express or experience it.
Rav Chisda says “I prefer daughters to sons,” leaving many a commentary to scramble to understand what he meant by that. It could very well be that he simply liked his girls better. On the page of the Talmud, Rashbam notes that his daughters outlived his sons. Tosafos notes that his sons lived, but his sons-in-law were quite exceptional, even greater than his sons.
A different argument could very well be made as to who will be the better caregiver for the parent in older-age, while some might anecdotally point to the daughter as being the more likely candidate for that role.
The Torah highlights all kinds of family circumstances. Lot had daughters (not a great story). Lavan had daughters until Yaakov showed up (pretty good!), and then he had sons (not so good) who grew up to follow in Lavan’s ways. Tzlafchad had five daughters, who were deemed to be most righteous. Yisro had seven daughters, and while we don’t know much about them, one of them married Moshe Rabbenu. Aharon HaKohen had 4 sons, all viewed as righteous, though the deaths of Nadav and Avihu produced a contradiction of Moshe calling them holy, and many of the rabbis referring to what they did that caused their deaths. The tribes of Israel (12 males) had their own imperfections and fights, and their sister’s life turned out to be far less than anyone anticipated on account of what happened to her in the city of Shechem.
Throughout history, there have been wonderful people – male and female – and those who stick out as having less than stellar reputations – both male and female.
At the time of birth, however, it is hoped that parents do not have a preference, and recognize that their raising a Jewish child is an incredible responsibility, and that whether it is a son who will have one kind of path, and a daughter who might have a different kind of path, ultimately all of our children need to be raised to understand that they too will have the responsibility of partnering with someone to raise the next generation of the Jewish people.
We all need siyata dishmaya (assistance from Heaven), and parents blessed to have children are the instruments through which our people ultimately merit continuity in the longer-term view of history.
Every child is a blessing. Every child is a world. Every child has the potential to be a stalwart model of excellence in representing God, His Torah, and the Jewish People. May we be so blessed to see Jewish children growing up in the ways of God and His Torah, and may the Jewish people continue to grow and thrive for millennia to come, but hopefully soon to greet Moshiach Tzidkeinu.
* This was written in honor of the birth of our daughter
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