by Rabbi Avi Billet
When it came time to find a wife for Yitzchak, Avraham was very clear in his instructions to his servant. Swear “that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I live. Instead, you must go to my native land, to my birthplace, and obtain a wife for my son Yitzchak.“ (24:3-4)
Was Avraham instructing his servant to specifically find Rivkah, about whose existence he learned of in the end of Chapter 22? Was he generally instructing his servant to find a wife for Yitzchak specifically from his family? Or was he being discriminatory against his neighbors, while remembering fondly or wistfully the Haranite, Aramite, or Casdean women?
Commentaries are split over whether Avraham indeed preferred a “a girl from the old country” (Malbim, Haktav V’hakbbalah), a relative (Radak, Chizkuni, R Chaim Paltiel, Rabbenu Bachaye) or specifically not a Canaanite girl (Radak, Chizkuni, Netziv, Kli Yakar). Rabbi Chaim Paltiel notes that though his relatives were equally idolatrous, Avraham felt his relative's DNA was close enough to his own that he’d be able to impart to Yitzchak's wife the fear of heaven.
Why would he not want a girl from Canaan?
1. Because Canaan was cursed by Noach, while Avraham's own family, being from Shem (Semites) were blessed by Noach. The blessed should not mix with the cursed (Radak, R Chaim Paltiel, Rabbenu Bachaye).
2. Yitzchak has no need to marry locally in order to inherit land (as did Eisav later on through marrying into the Seir family) because “God has given me all the land.” (Bechor Shor). On the contrary, I don’t want people to claim that it is only through marriage that we have a claim on this land! (Chizkuni)
One of the bigger problems in marrying a woman from a cursed family is that she can drag down her husband. Noting what Eve did to Adam and what King Solomon’s Ammonite, Moabite, Zidonite and Hittite wives did to him, Rabbenu Bachaye writes of how the qualities people often look for in a spouse are fickle. Don’t marry for looks, for money, for a particular family’s prestige. Marry “l’shem shamayim” – for the sake of heaven – into a proper family, because sons follow the ways of the males of the woman’s family. (We find later that Yaakov and his Uncle Lavan do share many similar qualities – it is just that Yaakov channels those character traits for goodness, while Lavan does not)
While it might not be as popular today, Rabbenu Bachaye further notes the Biblical recommendation to marry a relative. Avraham recommended it for his son, (Yaakov was given similar instructions by his parents), Moshe’s parents were related.
Most importantly, the families of the couple should be similar. If a man marries a woman who is from a lower stature, he may come to be haughty over her, and feel embarrassed by her. If he marries up, she will be embarrassed by him, and they’ll often be arguing and fighting. (See Pesachim 49a) But if they come from equal status and stature, they have a much better chance of getting along and maintaining peace in their relationship.
There is another way to look at Avraham’s strategy. If Yitzchak marries a local girl, it will be much easier for him to live near his in-laws, or certainly to see them often enough, and for them to have an influence on him (this is something Avraham is trying to help avoid). And while it may be true that Betuel and family (or if not seeking family specifically, plenty of Haranites) are equally idolatrous as the locals, if the girl the servant finds agrees to live here, her and Yitzchak's contact with the neighbors will be extremely limited (if any at all), and the influence of how to run a home and raise children will come from Avraham's example, not from Lavan and Betuel (or whoever her family is), and not from the neighboring Canaanites with whom he won’t intermingle. (Kli Yakar)
There is one sticking point in all of this, and that is Aner, Eshkol and Mamre, covenantal friends of Avraham, who dwelled in the land. Kli Yakar notes how Ramban fixated somewhat on how their daughters were excluded from Yitzchak’s potential shidduchim. Regarding Aner, Eshkol and Mamre, Avraham was of the understanding that he had been led to the land, among other reasons, to help them refine their personal Middos (character traits) (Malbim). So far gone would they have become had Avraham not been living among them. Avraham viewed his necessary presence among them as proof positive that while they could curb their natural proclivities on account of their relationship with him, it was in their genes to be like their other neighbors. Midrash Sechel Tov notes that the daughters of Aner, Eshkol and Mamre were righteous! Regardless, Avraham did not want them for Yitzchak.
As far as the rest of the Canaanites and the peoples of the Land, firstly, Rabbi Yaakov Kaminetzky noted that there were 11 nations included in the category of Canaanite (based on lineage in Parshat Noach, and an insight of Ibn Ezra). Furthermore, the Canaanites were evil of deed, with messed up beliefs, who would have a negative influence on Yitzchak’s body and soul. Hatred, vengeance, cruelty, anger are their notable characteristics. Bad character has a horrible influence on someone’s molding and development. Whether it would influence Yitzchak is one conversation. That it would have an impact on Yitzchak’s children is a larger concern. (Haktav v’Hakabbalah)
As for Betuel and Lavan, about whom one might be able to argue they are equally idolatrous, Haktav V’Hakabbalah and Malbim both note that their idolatrous behaviors were only in the realm of the spirit/faith/belief, which is easily curtailed from having an influence, especially if they do not live in the same area as married Yitzchak will live. “This is why the forefathers chose the daughters of Betuel and Lavan.”
Malbim proves part of his approach through noting that when Lavan and Yaakov had a dispute, Lavan said “The God of Avraham and the God of Nachor will judge between us.” They had religious differences, but were able to at least have a normal, respectful civil dispute. Avraham did not want anyone from the local populace, even though he only mentioned one group, Canaanite, by name, because the fact is that any nation that is subservient to or subjugated by the Canaanites, in his view, were as if they were Canaanites. (24:3, and 12:6) There were Semites in the land – see Malkitzedek! They were not cursed! But because the Canaanites were in charge, Avraham felt that even the Semites in the Land, though not cursed by Noach, were as if they were Canaanites.
The success of a marriage hinges upon a number of factors. What Avraham shows here is that discrimination against ideology and bad character is OK, while he certainly has no issues with a personal upbringing that differs from his own, as long as the person has the openness to embrace the Divine. We hear no instructions from Avraham as to what the girl needs to look like! The main thing he is looking for is the best of compatibility with Yitzchak. Certainly the fact that the servant tests if she is, first and foremost, a thoughtful baalat chesed, demonstrates that she is worthy to become a mother of the Jewish people.
And as far as we can tell, the marriage worked out.
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