Raising Children Can't be Pawned Off to Others!

Parshat Haazinu

by Rabbi Avi Billet

“Pay close attention to all the words through which I warn you today, so that you will be able to instruct your children to keep all the words of this Torah carefully.” (32:46) 

In preparation for my Shabbos Shuva Drasha, I came across a fascinating article printed in Hakirah: The Flatbush Journal of Jewish Law and Thought, entitled “Is There a Disconnect between Torah Learning and Torah Living? And If So, How Can We Connect Them? A Focus on Middos” by Aharon Hersh Fried. Find it online. Read it. (http://www.hakirah.org/Vol%206%20Fried.pdf)

With that as a background, the statement Moshe makes about being able to instruct children is actually profound. We tend to focus on our own connection to Judaism, and leave our children’s connection to their Rebbeim and Morahs. But Moshe does not say here “Leave your children’s education in others’ hands!” He says it is YOUR job.

So now I’m going to be a bit blunt. But there’s no time like right after Yom Kippur to face some hard truths.

Schools can only do so much. They have a lot to cram into an overwhelmingly long day. They can’t focus on middos. They bring in anti-bullying programs, but the bullying still goes on. What gives any child the right to mistreat another child? To make fun of a child who isn’t as quick on the uptake. Who looks a little funny. Who talks a little weird. Who has some kind of disability. Do our children not recognize that the child in question is a human being, created in the image of God, who is loved by his or her family?

Go on the internet and find Steve Hartman “on the road” videos in which he profiles – among other things – sports teams who have embraced a special needs child who found an outlet as a mascot on the team. Of course our children (hopefully) have a different attitude when they go to a HASC or YACHAD program. But they understand that these kids (or adults) are “different.” But in a mainstream school, the idea that “if you can’t take the pressure (from other kids) get lost and stay there” can not fly.

Teachers are humans. They are not perfect. They have lots of kids in their classes. As much as every school claims to be able to provide differentiated instruction, teaching the “whole student” and gearing towards different methods of learning and comprehension, the fact is that schools which provide this are few and far between. And when children disrespect the humanity of the teacher, make fun of the teacher, or say or do things knowing that the teacher can not do anything about it, this is a moral failing in the upbringing of these children.

I remember saying as a child at the end of school years, “no more pencils no more books, no more teachers dirty looks” and “no more chimmesh no more mishnayis, no more rebbes with longeh payis.” I was just repeating what other kids said. But the idea that these chants would even make it around to our schools shows a simple disregard for people, and for the concept of learning in general.

I find it odd that any of us look at vacation days as “vacation from Judaism” days. Boys leave their tefillin in school – what do they do Sunday if there’s no school? I actually know one father who bought his son a second pair of tefillin – one to leave in school, and one to have at home for when school was off. It’s a solution, but it also demands little responsibility of the child.

A few parting thoughts.

First, the Seforno, which we’ll have to unfortunately reject. He says that you have to instruct your children “at the end of your life as you write in your will to your children all of these things, that they should observe to guard their souls, lest they become corrupt.” As we all know, if we only wait until the end of our lives to instruct our children, by that time they may be too far away or completely lost.

More poignantly, Midrash Tanaim suggests Moshe is saying, “Just as I give you credit for following the Torah following my example, you should be complimentary to your children for following the Torah after your example.”

Alshikh says, “This is in your nature, and it is for your benefit.”

Explaining Moshe’s thought process, he says

“Moshe wanted to give merits to the Israelites by giving them the chance to teach their children. Every Jewish person’s soul is naturally inclined to connect with God and His Torah, and as long as that connection remains the person can truly live. After telling the song of Haazinu to the people, much of which is negative and deflating visions of the future, Moshe felt the people needed a pick-me-up. So he spoke to them using a tone of love. Beginning with an image of rain falling, which causes grass to grow, then dew which helps the grass sustain itself without the rain, this is what the Torah is supposed to be for a person. Rain needs to be pounded in – the Torah needs to be pushed through the blood of the child, sometimes with real struggle – so that the grass can grow. Once the grass grows, the child can sustain him/herself with the tools that have sent it in the proper path and direction.“ 

All this simply means, that with all the emphasis we claim to make on our commandments between Man and God and the relationships we are to have with our fellow man, there are conversations we should be having with our children on a regular basis. Here are some topics: why it’s wrong to steal; why being racist is a vile character trait; how we have to treat ALL people with respect, even if they’re different from us, and especially if they’re your siblings or parents (and how parents should treat their kids!); to greet everyone with a kind word and smiling countenance; to stand for the elderly under every circumstance; how to have empathy for others; how to stand up for the mistreated. Make your own list. It is our job – not to be pawned off to anyone. And the way we do all this is by modeling by example and practicing what we preach.