Raising Children Can't be Pawned Off to Others!

Parshat Haazinu

by Rabbi Avi Billet

“Pay close attention to all the words through which I warn you today, so that you will be able to instruct your children to keep all the words of this Torah carefully.” (32:46) 

In preparation for my Shabbos Shuva Drasha, I came across a fascinating article printed in Hakirah: The Flatbush Journal of Jewish Law and Thought, entitled “Is There a Disconnect between Torah Learning and Torah Living? And If So, How Can We Connect Them? A Focus on Middos” by Aharon Hersh Fried. Find it online. Read it. (http://www.hakirah.org/Vol%206%20Fried.pdf)

With that as a background, the statement Moshe makes about being able to instruct children is actually profound. We tend to focus on our own connection to Judaism, and leave our children’s connection to their Rebbeim and Morahs. But Moshe does not say here “Leave your children’s education in others’ hands!” He says it is YOUR job.

So now I’m going to be a bit blunt. But there’s no time like right after Yom Kippur to face some hard truths.

Schools can only do so much. They have a lot to cram into an overwhelmingly long day. They can’t focus on middos. They bring in anti-bullying programs, but the bullying still goes on. What gives any child the right to mistreat another child? To make fun of a child who isn’t as quick on the uptake. Who looks a little funny. Who talks a little weird. Who has some kind of disability. Do our children not recognize that the child in question is a human being, created in the image of God, who is loved by his or her family?

Go on the internet and find Steve Hartman “on the road” videos in which he profiles – among other things – sports teams who have embraced a special needs child who found an outlet as a mascot on the team. Of course our children (hopefully) have a different attitude when they go to a HASC or YACHAD program. But they understand that these kids (or adults) are “different.” But in a mainstream school, the idea that “if you can’t take the pressure (from other kids) get lost and stay there” can not fly.

Teachers are humans. They are not perfect. They have lots of kids in their classes. As much as every school claims to be able to provide differentiated instruction, teaching the “whole student” and gearing towards different methods of learning and comprehension, the fact is that schools which provide this are few and far between. And when children disrespect the humanity of the teacher, make fun of the teacher, or say or do things knowing that the teacher can not do anything about it, this is a moral failing in the upbringing of these children.

I remember saying as a child at the end of school years, “no more pencils no more books, no more teachers dirty looks” and “no more chimmesh no more mishnayis, no more rebbes with longeh payis.” I was just repeating what other kids said. But the idea that these chants would even make it around to our schools shows a simple disregard for people, and for the concept of learning in general.

I find it odd that any of us look at vacation days as “vacation from Judaism” days. Boys leave their tefillin in school – what do they do Sunday if there’s no school? I actually know one father who bought his son a second pair of tefillin – one to leave in school, and one to have at home for when school was off. It’s a solution, but it also demands little responsibility of the child.

A few parting thoughts.

First, the Seforno, which we’ll have to unfortunately reject. He says that you have to instruct your children “at the end of your life as you write in your will to your children all of these things, that they should observe to guard their souls, lest they become corrupt.” As we all know, if we only wait until the end of our lives to instruct our children, by that time they may be too far away or completely lost.

More poignantly, Midrash Tanaim suggests Moshe is saying, “Just as I give you credit for following the Torah following my example, you should be complimentary to your children for following the Torah after your example.”

Alshikh says, “This is in your nature, and it is for your benefit.”

Explaining Moshe’s thought process, he says

“Moshe wanted to give merits to the Israelites by giving them the chance to teach their children. Every Jewish person’s soul is naturally inclined to connect with God and His Torah, and as long as that connection remains the person can truly live. After telling the song of Haazinu to the people, much of which is negative and deflating visions of the future, Moshe felt the people needed a pick-me-up. So he spoke to them using a tone of love. Beginning with an image of rain falling, which causes grass to grow, then dew which helps the grass sustain itself without the rain, this is what the Torah is supposed to be for a person. Rain needs to be pounded in – the Torah needs to be pushed through the blood of the child, sometimes with real struggle – so that the grass can grow. Once the grass grows, the child can sustain him/herself with the tools that have sent it in the proper path and direction.“ 

All this simply means, that with all the emphasis we claim to make on our commandments between Man and God and the relationships we are to have with our fellow man, there are conversations we should be having with our children on a regular basis. Here are some topics: why it’s wrong to steal; why being racist is a vile character trait; how we have to treat ALL people with respect, even if they’re different from us, and especially if they’re your siblings or parents (and how parents should treat their kids!); to greet everyone with a kind word and smiling countenance; to stand for the elderly under every circumstance; how to have empathy for others; how to stand up for the mistreated. Make your own list. It is our job – not to be pawned off to anyone. And the way we do all this is by modeling by example and practicing what we preach.

Choosing the Relationship With God

Parshat Nitzavim

by Rabbi Avi Billet

There are at least two reasons why Parshat Nitzavim is read before Rosh Hashana. Firstly, it talks about Teshuvah (repentance) (Biur Halacha 428: “9 Av”), and secondly, it serves as a buffer between the Tokhacha (Rebuke) of Ki Tavo and Rosh Hashana (see also Biur Halacha there).

Simply consider how chapter 30 begins: after you will have experienced the blessings and curses (as discussed in last week’s Torah portion), you’ll think about what brought you to exile. You’ll then choose to return to God and the ways in which He commanded you. And after you return to Him, with your heart and soul, he will bring you back, gathering you from the nations of the world. (30:1-3)

Then Moshe tells the people that “Even if your diaspora is at the ends of the heavens, God will gather you up from there and He will take you back.” (30:4) This promise is followed by an additional promise of prosperity even greater than those who were there before you, as you will have the opportunity to get closer and closer to God. This will assure your survival.

The idea that the diaspora will go to the ends of the heavens is clearly not meant to be taken literally. Ibn Ezra says the edge of the heavens refer to the edges as seen from the land of Israel – in other words, the horizon. But it isn’t always true that the word “Shamayim” equals “sky” as a direct translation. So what is Moshe telling the people about what will happen in the future? Where will they be coming from when they are returning to God?

The Alshikh’s perspective on this set of verses may help us understand more clearly.

The return to God, he explains, will take place in the Babylonian exile. Of course it can only come after the realization of how and why the exile came about in the first place. The return will reflect the Shir Hamaalot we often sing before Birkat Hamazon “when God returns those who return to Zion” as happened in the time of Cyrus, the Persian king who allowed the Jews to return to build the second Temple.

However, since the repentance was not complete at that time, the Redemption was incomplete. And it will remain incomplete until the exile that took place at the time of the destruction of the Second Temple is gathered in.

All this is straightforward. And then Alshikh explains that the reason the exile isn’t completely over is because all of the repentance will have come about only out of fear. Real repentance must come out of love of God. This is why the segment ends with verse 6, “God will remove the barriers from your hearts and from the hearts of your descendants, so that you will love God your Lord with all your heart and soul.”

Perhaps now we can begin to understand what the diaspora being at the ends of the heavens means. When we think about the word “heaven” with reference to our relationship with God, the Hebrew phrase that comes to mind is “Yirat Shamayim” – fear of heaven. The Alshikh is telling us that the key to achieving a complete and final redemption does not come from a relationship with God grounded in fear, but rather in a relationship with God that is guided by love.

And what does the last verse of the parsha say is the goal for our people in “choosing life?” You have “to love God your Lord, to obey Him, and to attach yourself to Him.”

We are living in a time when the old method of “fear of God” is met with resistance, cynicism, and rejection. While there are Jewish communities that are strong and that seem successful in transmitting their vaiues to the next generation, the idea of fear of God doesn’t always sell. As well it shouldn’t.

Our goal is to foster and create a feeling that we are to love our God. Which shouldn’t be so hard, right? We do say it every day in the Shema!

And yet, it is an overwhelming challenge. Of course, love of God should lead to a “reverence” (better word than “fear”) of Heaven. But it is this limbo state of being between connecting with God through fear (having our diaspora spread as far as heaven goes), and having our love truly reach the heavens, in which we find ourselves.

It’s easy to “choose” to love God. It is much more of a challenge to actually demonstrate that love. Of course, as Rav Dessler has pointed out, love is about giving. Once upon a time we would give to God through offerings and sacrifices. Now we have to find other ways to give to God. If we could only be blessed to love God through the different ways in which we sacrifice and give to Him, perhaps we will be blessed to not just have some of the Jewish population of the world gathered again in Israel (as it is now), but we will see a Final Redemption, well deserved, in which all the Jewish people will feel at home in the Promised Land.

Post Rosh Hashana - Is There a Plan For the Future?

Some of the following was part of my sermon on the first day of Rosh Hashana. Perhaps I'll post some of my "Shabbos Shuva Drasha" later.

Shabbos Shuva

by Rabbi Avi Billet

Though Rosh Hashana was Monday and Tuesday, it never hurts to look back on what we saw.

The Torah reading of the first day of Rosh Hashana begins at the point when Sarah is remembered. The Talmud tells us in several places that Sarah and Rachel and Chana were all remembered on Rosh Hashana. In the same breath, the Talmud tells us in Meseches Rosh Hashana that Yitzchak was born at Pesach time.

These dates, of course, are 6.5 months apart. So, barring any information coming to light that Yitzchak was born 3 months premature, we have a problem.

It is possible that he was a preemie. Moshe may have been 3 months premature as evidenced in how long his mother was able to hide him. But wouldn’t the Torah have told us if something were out of the ordinary (beyond that his parents were 100 and 90)?

It is also possible that Sarah only noticed her pregnancy at the end of trimester I because she hadn’t been menstruating anyway. Perhaps in this light she felt remembered at that specific time – on Rosh Hashana. And six months later, Yitzchak was born.

Is this really why we read this portion on Rosh Hashana? In all seriousness, there are other tales of Avraham’s and Sarah’s life which are so much more impressive.

I would suggest that for Avraham and Sarah, the birth of Yitzchak turned them into people with a new sense of purpose. They were now parents. They had so much more to live for than at any other time in their lives.

In Vayikra Rabba 29:12, we are told that on Rosh Hashana everyone is viewed as a new creature. New creations. With a new slate. Perhaps, with a new lease on life.

From Avraham’s and Sarah’s perspective, therefore, this reading is perfect for this day and this time period. Because what any individual has been through during the year no longer matters. What does matter is the current situation, in which a new book is being opened, and how do we see ourselves on that opening page?

Avraham and Sarah had been “old.” Now they were a young couple with a baby. She becomes like a tiger-mom, showing that no one will take advantage of her child.

There is one more piece to the puzzle that helps us understand the Rosh Hashana/new beginnings nature of this Torah portion. And that is the end of Bereshit 21, when Avimelekh appears to make a treaty. He says, “Swear to me here by God that you will not deal falsely with me, with my children, or with my grandchildren. Show to me and the land where you were an immigrant the same kindness that I have shown to you.”

Why would he think otherwise? Because his reality has also changed. Up until now, Avimelekh assumed that when Avraham died, his belongings would go to society. After all, if you have no heir, you can’t take it with you.

But now that Yitzchak has been born and Avraham has an apparent heir, Avimelekh’s destiny has changed as well. And so he realizes that a treaty is the only way he can secure the safety of his descendants.

And for us, the question is, where does our new reality lead us?

Are we adequately prepared for what is coming? Some changes are amazing! Some changes are devastating. Do we have a plan for the best, and for the worst?

In this coming year, many people will turn bar mitzvah and bat mitzvah. Do they know what kind of commitment and responsibility comes with coming of age?

Many people will get engaged and married. Do they know that the life to be lived after the wedding requires much more preparation and planning than does the wedding itself?

Many people will finish school. Do they know what they’re going to do with their degrees? How they’ll earn a living? Do they know that it is OK to pursue a trade (plumber, electrician) – as long as they’re doing something to earn a living?

Some people will get divorced. Is there a plan for how to make such a very difficult decision least difficult for everyone involved? If there are children, is there a plan for them? Has a pre-nup or post-nup agreement been signed, to assure the timely deliverance of a “get”?

Some people will die this year. Are burial plots already purchased? Have pre-need funeral arrangements been made? Does each spouse have the tools and abilities to function alone, or will the death of one inevitably lead to the death of the other (in one form or another)?

Some people will suffer injuries, car accidents, etc. Are there plans in place – health insurance, disability insurance, life insurance?

We never want to think things are out of our control. And hopefully the life changes that come our way are in the positive side of the equation. But we learn from Sarah and Avraham – remembered on Rosh Hashana – that all kinds of changes can happen. How we choose to operate when those changes come will make all the difference in how our lives will turn out in the coming year.