An "Ezer" Against Him

Parshat Beresheet

by Rabbi Avi Billet

After describing the Tree of Knowledge and the instruction for how it is to be treated, the Torah describes God as saying, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make for him an "ezer" opposite him." [In the interest of being politically correct, we will not translate the word "ezer" right now.]

One would expect that the "ezer" would be created immediately. However, there is a strange interlude during which God fashions all of the animals of the earth, and the birds of the heavens to see what the man would name them. After naming the animals, we are told he did not find an "ezer" opposite him. In other words, after meeting all the animals, he felt none had been made as a partner for himself.

Only after this discovery does the Torah continue where it left off with God's "thought process" as it describes the process of how woman was formed.

Why the interlude? Was the post-creation party meant to assert who was created first? The dominion of man over animals? Was it meant to make clear how much Adam was missing in not having an "ezer"?

The Netziv describes the difference between the "ezer" that Adam was missing, and the companions he saw in all the animals. What Adam saw was that every animal's partner was essentially a partner for procreation, while there was no partnership or companionship beyond the achievement of that goal of reproduction.

Humans, on the other hand, have a need for companionship that goes beyond a simple, physical act. In a sense, this is what we call the "human connection" in which a real bond beyond words and physical acts makes a relationship special.

The interpretation of Rashi that "If a man merits, she is an 'ezer,' and if he does not merit then she is 'opposite him,'" is known. However, Netziv explains, the Torah is not describing two options, that she can either be an 'ezer' or she can be against him.

Rather, it is to be understood that her "opposition" can help him. A man with a temper can have his wife "help him." Either his temper helps him feel good, or his wife steps in to cover his ineptitude when his temper overtakes his emotions. In this way, she is his "ezer." (supporting a bad character trait) However, when the mood passes, Netziv explains, his guilt is even worse on account of the fuel his wife poured on the fire of his emotions, and that works against him.

On the other hand, if she opposes his anger from the beginning and brings him to calm down, even though she is acting against him, this is the true form of what it means to be an "ezer."

The Netziv's message is that the concept of a wife being an "ezer" and against him puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the woman to help her husband become a better person. Does it always work? Is her ability to discern when he is wrong a perfect ability? Depends who you ask. (I'm going to get it for this one!)

But the fact remains – in Netziv's approach – that sometimes being "against him" is a way of being his "ezer," helping him to improve his ways and become a better person. Or a more fulfilled person.

This is why the interlude is so important. Adam needed to understand the animal kingdom and to see that he and they are very different. We live in a world in which people see their pets as children and value their animals' lives, in some cases,  more than the lives of human strangers.

So Adam's first lesson is – "You are not an animal. You may share certain characteristics, but the bottom line is that you can never achieve with an animal what you can achieve with another human being." And a human being must be treated on a much higher level than how you will treat an animal.

Adam's second lesson is – "Don't view every confrontation that you have with a spouse as the end of the game. It is merely a means of helping you draw closer to one another."

It is this second lesson which is so difficult for partners who squabble to remember. There are some people who do not know how to move past a fight. They don't talk to each other for days and weeks, and may bring about divorce or worse if they don't see their fights are meant to bring them closer together.

But those whose attitude is, "I am in this for the long haul and will stick through this" must also realize that while adults will argue and fight, if their running theme is that they are on the same team, as opposed to adversaries, then even the fights can bring them closer together as their relationship is improved through the strengths they each bring to the table.

God's Four Species

Sukkot

by Rabbi Avi Billet

Leviticus 23:40: "On the first day, you must take for yourself a fruit of the citron tree, an unopened palm frond, myrtle branches, and willows [that grow near] the brook. You shall rejoice before God for seven days."

This translation is taken from Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan's Living Torah, where he has the following footnotes sourcing the definitions of the branches and fruit in question.

"citron tree - (Targum; Saadia). Hadar in Hebrew, usually referred to as Ethrog."unopened palm frond - (Sukkah 32a; Rashi)."myrtle branches – (cf. Sukkah 32b; Rashi). The practice is to place three such branches in the bunch."willows... - (cf. Sukkah 34a). Two are placed in the bunch, together with the palm frond and myrtle."

The curiosity that pervades these days – the kind that overrides the "Bible states, therefore it is" explanation – may cause people to wonder "Why these specific items? What, if anything, is 'special' about them?"

The Sefer HaManhig explains that the Etrog (citron) resembles a heart (in shape), and comes to bring atonement for the (sinful) thoughts of the heart. The Hadas (myrtle) resembles eyes (in shape) to atone for (sins) of probing eyes. These two follow the verse, "You will then not stray after your heart and eyes…" (Bamidbar 15:39). The Aravah (willow) resembles the lips, to atone for sins that come from utterances of the lips. And why the Lulav (palm frond)? Just as the Lulav (לולב) has only one heart (this is a play on the word Lulav – which can be read in Hebrew as "Lo Lev" (לו לב) – it has a heart of palm!), so too Israel has only one heart, which is directed towards its Father in heaven.

It would seem that the four species are heavily symbolic in that they help us achieve atonement that may have escaped our Yom Kippur efforts. This revelation would indicate that those who poke others with their Lulav, or who shake the Lulav set in a manner similar to a Jedi light-sabre, are missing the point of the mitzvah.

Even for those who don't care so much for the "shape of item resembles a body-part" approach, there are textual suggestions that make these items even more compelling.

In Vayikra Rabba 30:9, in a statement sometimes accredited to Rabbi Akiva, the Midrash demonstrates how each of the Four Species is a reference to the Almighty. The Pri Etz Hadar (Etrog) refers to God, as it says, "You (God) are clothed in majesty and splendor (Hadar)." (Tehillim 104:1)

The Kapot T'marim (Lulav) refers to God, as it says, "The righteous flourish like a date palm (Tamar)." (Tehillim 92:13) The Anaf Etz Avot (Hadasim) refer to God, as it says, "And He was standing among the myrtles (Hadasim)." (Zechariah 1:8) [This reference is to the vision of an angel.] And Arvei Nachal (Aravot) refer to God, as it says, "With His name [as identified in the verse], acclaim the One who rides the Aravot [the highest firmament of the heavens]."

By all rights, argues the Chid"a, we should not be allowed to use these items. These are God's belongings – the Lulav is comparable to God's scepter! Even were the king to allow his subjects to minimize his honor, the Talmud states in numerous places that he is ignored. His honor is not his own to discard.

However, explains the Chid"a, since the Children of Israel are described in the Torah as God's children (Devarim 14:1), the contrasted ruling to that of the king is that if a father forgives his honor, he is granted that allowance, and his children can make use of his property.

Some of the senior members of our People recall a time when very few individuals, or perhaps only the rabbi had a set of the Four Species. We are to be grateful that we live in a time when not only are the Four Species available all around the world, but most Jews can afford their own set.

As the holiday of Sukkot comes upon us, and we undertake the mitzvah of the Four Species, let us express our gratitude for the fortuitous circumstance that allows for the widespread observance of this mitzvah. Let us also appreciate the hidden depth in the mitzvah, as we are given the chance to get closer to God through holding and waving the items that are Biblically connected directly to Him.

Sinning Against Myself - Am I My Worst Enemy?

A Yom Kippur Letter

by Rabbi Avi Billet

I beg your indulgence as I share with you this personal letter penned by me to me. It was important to write it, following the lesson of the Chasam Sofer (see below), so that the message would come across (to me) and not go right out the other ear. The "we" in the letter is royal - comes with the territory of talking to oneself.  I added the question that refers to "72-100 hour work week" for the benefit of others who may do (or are successful at) what the question suggests. Thank you for listening to me talk to myself.

Dear Me,

In the seventh chapter of the Laws of Teshuvah (Repentance), Maimonides reminds us that even not-so-obvious "sins" require a repentance of some kind.

"A person should not think that repentance is only necessary for those sins that involve deeds such as promiscuity, robbery, or theft. Rather, just as a person is obligated to repent from these, similarly, he must search after the evil character traits he has. He must repent from anger, hatred, envy, frivolity, the pursuit of money and honor, the pursuit of gluttony, and the like. He must repent for all [of the above]."These sins are more difficult than those that involve deed. If a person is attached to these, it is more difficult for him to separate himself. In this context, [Isaiah 55:7] exhorts: 'May the wicked abandon his path and the crooked man, his designs.'"

The quote from Isaiah is quite familiar to any shul-goer, because it is at the beginning of the haftorah that we read at Mincha on fast days, when the listener is encouraged to "Seek out God where He could be found."

The prophet continued his exhortation instructing the crooked man to 

"Return to the Lord, Who shall have mercy upon him… and will freely pardon. 'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' says the Lord.'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts [higher] than your thoughts. For, just as the rain and the snow fall from the heavens, and it does not return there… so shall be My word that emanates from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, unless it has done what I desire and has made prosperous the one to whom I sent it…'" (Isaiah 55:7-11)

The Chasam Sofer used this instruction to remind even the greatest of scholars that there is merit to hearing a person give a public rebuke. In other words, to the scholars who believed they could get more out of learning "mussar" and ethical teachings on their own, Rabbi Sofer would say they could gain even more from attending a lecture or class from an instructor. I'm hoping this letter will serve as that rebuke - even though (rightly) don't count yourself among the greatest of scholars. :)

Rain or snow fall from the heavens and they do their job. It may take a little time for the rain or snow to penetrate the earth, seek out the roots and have their desired impact, but there is no question that the moisture is the solution for the problem of the dry, parched, or at least unwatered earth. Even if the impact is not felt right away, every farmer will tell you that a good crop is heavily dependent on the rainfalls.

And so to even the greatest scholar, Rabbi Sofer would issue the reminder that all your learning is nice, but the mussar and ethical teachings that are self-learned go in one ear and out the other.

When the exhortation comes from someone else, on the other hand, (ahem!) it is like a message from God that penetrates and will eventually land its mark on your soul.

The Rambam's list of deeds that fall out of the realm of directly punishable actions bear repeating. "Anger, hatred, envy, frivolity, the pursuit of money and honor, the pursuit of gluttony." These are often enough character traits that impact oneself more than they impact others.

Every time we think about teshuvah, perhaps we've thought about how we've wronged God or how we've wronged other people.

This statement from Maimonides reminds us that we also need to be concerned that we may have wronged ourselves. And maybe this should trigger a different line of questioning than the more regular one the "mussar teachers" are prone to share.

Am I pleased with myself? Do I treat myself right? Do I eat healthily, or do I pursue unhealthy food options just because I can't help myself? Is my anger in check? Even if no one ever sees it but me, like when I'm driving or when I analyze my relationships in my heart? Do I really need to work 72-100 hour weeks to make so much money, especially if it's at the expense of not ever seeing my family? And why do I hate everyone in my heart of hearts?

Sometimes the greatest enemy we have, the one that brings us down, is the one that stares at us in the mirror.

A - 

As we embrace Yom Kippur, it is my hope that these words can be like the rain that falls and doesn't return to God emptyhanded. Every person can use a reminder that there is more to teshuvah than only getting forgiveness from God and others, and changing our actions to achieve that forgiveness.

Sometimes we need to look in the mirror, as we hope that message impacts ourselves as well.

GMAR CHATIMAH TOVAH TO ALL

Tribute to #1 Partner in Creation

Rosh Hashana and a Plea for Daily Minyan

by Rabbi Avi Billet

            

The Talmud in Niddah (31a) records that there are three partners in the creation of every human being: the Holy One, a father and a mother. It is to these three partners that each of us owes our very existence. [Though here is quite an interesting twist on the "3 partners idea"]

Scientific advancement has allowed the process to include what some might call an "assist" to go to medical professionals. But the genetic makeup of every human being comes from one male and one female, while the process that makes it all come together and form a human being is God's contribution to the effort.

On Rosh Hashana, we utilize a term that is reminiscent of this process when we declare "Hayom Harat Olam," that today is the day of the world's birth (or, more accurately, its conception). Particularly on this day, we are very cognizant of God's role in the existence of every life form on our planet. We appreciate that the day of Rosh Hashana is the Day of Judgment for the entire world. And, perhaps on account of this, so many Jews make a concerted effort to be in the synagogue to note our collective recognition of God's role in our existence and in the continued existence of the world.

Many synagogues like to tout their membership numbers. Depending on a particular community's unique makeup, the "active membership" number is not always in sync with the "complete membership" figures. "Inactive members" are generally people who feel a kinship of some kind to the synagogue, most likely show up on the high holidays, but otherwise are less involved in the weekly shul activities.

"Active membership" is usually defined as those who show up on a weekly basis, on Shabbat. But even the "active membership" numbers do not translate even closely to the much fewer numbers that show up on a daily basis.

It is understood that Shabbat is a day when entire families come to the synagogue. We aren't working, school is off, and where else does one need to be?

But even if the weekday is not a family day in the synagogue, where are all the people – the active members?

Every shul has its dedicated members who do show up on a daily basis. Year in and year out, their shul attendance, with the exception of vacations and sick days, is in the 90 percent range.

But many "active members" do not show up during the week. Many active members only become daily active members, ironically, when they are in mourning for the loss of two of the three partners in their own creation.

How many people are very dedicated and "never miss" a day during the year of mourning, but as soon as the year of mourning ends, they are never seen in the synagogue during the week? We give homage to the invisible partner in our creation during the year we remember our no longer visible creation-partners.

And yet, we can't give that same homage on a regular basis when our parents are alive, or even worse, after we have demonstrated for a year that "this is important to us" and "we can make the time to be in the synagogue out of a sense of responsibility"? How can this be?

As we come to the synagogue on Rosh Hashana, let us take into account that the synagogue is open 365 days a year. Let us commit to being active members not just on the High Holidays, not just on Shabbat, but also during the week.

While some get the drive to come back to the synagogue when they are in mourning, let us merit to come to the synagogue without the mourning incentive, as a tribute to our third partner in creation (who is listed as #1 in the Talmud!), because it is on His account that we live and breathe every day.