Rosh Hashana 5773 - The Idealist and the Realist

Rosh Hashana: The Idealist and the Realist

Rabbi Avi Billet

          At the beginning of August, Curtis Martin was inducted into the football hall of fame in canton, Ohio. At his induction speech, he delivered an unremarkable speech, in which he surprisingly noted how much he doesn't really like football.

          He may rank quite high in the all-time running back stats lists, but the fact that he was an exceptional player has never made him a fan of the game. He got into football because he needed a safe place to spend his time after school when_living in a world that seemed to set his destiny to be dead before age 21. And football literally saved his life. Not only did it eventually help him earn a lot of money and take care of his mother who had long suffered to take care of him, but it gave him the opportunity to become: a responsible adult with a wife and young daughter, and, most importantly, a God-fearing person.

         Towards the end of his speech, he said, "At my eulogy, I don't want my daughter or whoever it may be giving my eulogy to talk about how many yards I gained or touchdowns I scored.  I want my daughter to be able to talk about the man that Curtis Martin was.  How when she was growing up, she looked for a man who was like her father.  That he was a man of integrity, a man of strong character, and a God fearing man.  That's what I want."

          This thought is reminiscent of Thomas Jefferson, whose self-designed epitaph bears no mention of his being president of the US. It reads:

Here was buried
Thomas Jefferson
Author of the Declaration of American Independence
of the Statute of Virginia for religious freedom
Father of the University of Virginia

          He was more proud of his "real" accomplishments – not the fact the he was third in line to be President of the new country.

          More appropo to us, perhaps, is the end-story of Moshe and Shaul, respectively.

Each, in his day, served as the precedent-setting leader. Each had tremendous military accomplishments. Each was looked at as the consummate leader for most of his career.

          But each had a moment of weakness which proved his undoing. For Shaul it was the war with Amalek and his subsequent obsession with pursuing David, and for Moshe – well the jury is out on Moshe as to where his fall came – the rock story, the spies, or perhaps something else. I'll leave out the question of whether his destiny never was to bring the people to the land of Israel.

Moshe is known for being a leader, but he is also remembered for not making it to the Promised Land on account of something he did. Shaul is forever known as Shaul HaMelekh. But I don't think any exemplary heroic and devout leader is so picked apart, analyzed, and now, using modern Psychology, reanalyzed to get to the heart of his neurosis.

          And, to bring a relatively more contemporary example, Rav Chaim Soloveitchik is known in the yeshiva world as Reb Chaim, famous for his work on the Rambam, and his Chiddushim on Shas. But were you to ask Rav Chaim what his job was, as a rabbi in Brisk, his answer was "to look out for the widow, the orphan, and the Jew who can't fend for himself."

          In Rabbi Rakeffet's book about his rebbe, Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, Rav Chaim's grandson, he includes many stories about Rav Chaim, who, perhaps more than anyone, put total emphasis on a life of doing Chesed – to the point that there are multiple stories of his unquestioningly breaking the shabbos to save someone's life or to tend to someone who was ill.

          Some define Rav Chaim as a tremendous scholar – and he was, with no equal – but Rav Chaim saw himself as a person of chesed, first and foremost.

Each of us is an idealist. We view ourselves in the way we want others to see us. We want to be known for our good deeds, and not just for what our profession is. For some people, being grandma or grandpa is a lot more important than being CEO or director or president. Accomplishments of passion, positive drive and desire, and that have an impact on the lives of others, are more important to us than a specific title we may have held at some point in time.

I remember hearing a story of an Israeli Knesset Member who attended parent-teacher conferences. When someone on line recognized him and insisted he go in front of the line out of respect for his position as a Knesset Member, he politely declined saying פה אני אבא של מוישי – Here I am Moishy's Abba. Nothing more.

          What do we really want people to say about us, or what do we want to be written on our epitaph? Aside from all the family titles – and I recognize that for some people, being known as Saba, Zaydie or Grandpa, or Savta or Bubbe or Grandma is more than enough. It was certainly true of my grandmother who passed away this year. In every respect, she was "Grammy."

Would you like to be known as the builder of businesses?

Would you like to be known as a philanthropist or a baal tzedakah?

Do you prefer not to be known for that, either because you're not, or because you are, but you do it quietly?

Do you want to be thought of as a learned Jew? A knowledgable Jew? A person who is always interested in knowing more? Who attended classes? Who gave classes? Who was always with a book in hand?

Perhaps you prefer to be known as a person who had strong opinions? Who knew something about everything? Who could be the life of the party or the life of a conversation? Or, perhaps, a great listener?

Maybe you're the type of person that people will always remember for your smile, your sense of humor, or the fact that things were never boring when you were around?

Is being a physician who you are? Is being a finance person – who you are?

Would you like to be remembered, as a man I know described his father at the shiva, as a "Pashutteh Yid?"

Jefferson wrote - "...on the face of the Obelisk the following inscription, & not a word more" as I read before, is what he wanted on his grave, "because by THESE, as testimonials that I have lived, I wish most to be remembered."

Some people hate being honored at dinners because they hate all the eulogies they need to hear about themselves in their own lifetimes. I dread what people will say about me when it is my time, because were I there, I am sure I would say "It's not true! You didn't understand me! You didn't 'really' know me!" A life can't be summarized in a few tidbits or in a few generalizations. Each of us knows how complex we each are.

I entitled my sermon this morning "The idealist and the realist" because we are all constantly faced with this challenge. Like Curtis Martin, we have an ideal of who we are and what legacy we think we are leaving for our families. We want to truly believe that when we are gone, we will be missed not only by our families, but by others. We would like there to be an irreplaceable void in our little worlds, because it helps us feel like our lives had greater purpose. And we want to be remembered for the accomplishment WE view as most important in our lives. Least of which are our football stats.

Realistically, though, how many people get so lucky – if lucky is even the right term? We go through the motions of our day to day existence. Some men come to shul every day, some do not. Some daven every day, some do not. Some women daven every day, some do not.

Men and women have the option to make Torah a priority in their lives, some make it something to do when it's convenient, some never do. Some have a lot of money and give a lot of tzedakah. Some have a lot of money and don't give so much. Some have a little money and give 10%. Some give what they can. Some give nothing at all.

We all have the choice to try to make our relationship with God stronger and better. And then we pick different priorities – a movie, a television, a good gossip session with a friend, and we lose focus.         

I really am an idealist. I like to think that Rosh Hashana is the kind of day the Tur describes - as being one in which we are filled with confidence at the prospect of the outcomes of this Yom HaDin. That we know how good we have been, and that there is no way for God to see us any way other than the way we see ourselves: Nowhere near done, with so much more to do. And deserving of another stab at getting to all those goals. One year at a time.      

I am also a realist. On a personal level, I make all kinds of New Years resolutions of how I can be a better husband, father, son, sibling, person. As much good as I may have done, I am aware of many of my flaws and failings, and I know if I were prosecuting me, I wouldn't have a whole lot of mercy. And when I resolve to take on certain commitments and to turn around the habits that should really be dropped (the non-embarrassing one is a weakness for peanut butter cups), they last for a little while, but not for very long.

And being a member of the human race helps me believe that many people suffer from a similar malady. [Not the peanut butter cups... the malady of not sustaining new commitments]

The question becomes, how do we overcome the Herculean task of turning our idealism into our reality? The truth is it is very hard. We all know how difficult it is to change. We all know people since our childhood who haven't changed over all the years. The same shtick is manifested in their adult selves. AND Maybe people see us that way as well.

And yet, there are some people who do change. That change often accompanies a cathartic experience that essentially demands the change, often when things seem their worst and physical, emotional or spiritual death seems to loom right around the corner. Think about Curtis Martin, who had so many near-death experiences – playing football gave him the out that saved his life.

I remember one of my uncles once telling me "there's nothing like a doctor saying to you, 'If you want to live to see your grandchildren - lose 80 pounds' to finally put the fear of God in you." He used to describe his weight as yo-yo weight. Up and down. But he has been skinny for awhile now. And he credits the doctor with turning his ideal into a reality.

For some people, being scared of mortality can effect change. But do we really need that? What we need are simple steps we can take. And simple reminders of what our true priorities ought to be.

תלמוד בבלי מסכת שבת דף לא עמוד א

  אמר רבא: בשעה שמכניסין אדם לדין אומרים לו: נשאת ונתת באמונה, קבעת עתים לתורה, עסקת בפריה ורביה, צפית לישועה, פלפלת בחכמה, הבנת דבר מתוך דבר?

Shabbat 31a 

Rava said: When they escort a person to his final Heavenly judgement after his death, the Heavenly tribunal says to him: Did you conduct your business affairs honestly?  Did you set aside fixed times for Torah study?  Did you work at having children?  Did you look forward to  the world‘s redemption?  Did you delve into wisdom? Did you learn deeply, and learn thing from another?

THIS is what we ought to be living for! To be able to answer these questions with answers we are proud of.

Honesty – dealing with others, בין אדם לחבירו with respect and dignity.

Torah – did you make God a part of your daily existence?

Children – did you fulfill ושננתם לבניך – did you do your best to impart to the next generation this way of life? Did you model it? Did you live it? If you came to it later in life, did you seek to grow in it? Did you show your children that it's OK to change later in life? That not everything needs to be done the same old way just because we did it the same old way for a long time! Maybe we can improve! Maybe we can be better! And we're doing it because we've come a long way. Did you build the living legacy so they'll miss you – regardless of any ירושה – when you are gone?

Redemption – Was there a yearning for a return to the days of old, a life lived in Israel, the return of the Temple, sacrifices, seeing and feeling God's presence in a way we cannot even comprehend today?

Wisdom and Depth – Did you utilize your mind to pursue knowledge of the world? Were you able to apply wisdom from different sciences and get a greater appreciation of God's world?

          I'll conclude with a few verses we are familiar with and a parting thought.

Devarim 10:12 -  Now Israel, what does Hashem your God ask of you? To fear [Him], to walk in His ways, to  love Him, and to serve [Him] with all your heart and soul .You must keep Hashem‘s commandments and decrees that I am prescribing for you today, so that good will be yours. 

Micah 6:8 - Mortal!  You have been told what is good and what Hashem demands of you-nothing more than to act justly, love kindness, and walk modestly with your God.

Zechariah 7:9-10 - This is what the Hashem said: Render true justice; be kind and merciful to one another.  Do not oppress the widow, the orphan, the convert or the poor and do not plot evil in the hearts against one another.

This is meaning in life.  Best summarized by the last verse in Ecclesiastes 12:13  The end of the matter, when all is said and done: Fear God, and keep His commandments: for that is the whole duty of man. 

Most importantly, we need to make extreme efforts to create for ourselves the image of being תוכו כברו. The Midrash Tanchuma equates this image with the Aron – the Ark of the Covenant, which was made of wood, but which was covered on the inside and on the outside with gold.    

We too are made of a form – עצם – and we have the opportunity to take the introspective look inside to ask ourselves – is my outside the same as my inside? I am nice to everybody. But do I hate them in my heart? Do I speak badly about them to a confidant or two?

Or, the other way, do I see myself as a really nice person. But the reality is otherwise. How many times have you heard someone apologize for something they said, saying, "I didn't mean that at all. I am sorry that came across that way, because I am not that person." Sometimes what they said came out wrong and the apology is true. But sometimes the thing they said is so horrible, you can't believe they really think they are nice.

תוכו כברו is the answer. A wooden frame there just to hold us together, and then the inside and the outside being the same – pure gold.

Let us commit to become like the Aron. Let our politically savvy outside affect our insides so we really really really mean it. Let our loving and forgiving insides exude a warmth that is outwardly embracing as well.

In this way, the challenge of the eulogy or epitaph will be no challenge at all. Not only will we be missed when our time on this earth is up, but everyone who ever knew us will have known the real us, and will have known who we were, what we stood for, and the irreplaceable void we leave behind.

We are committed Jews: committed to God, His Torah, His Mitzvos.

Committed to our families. Committed to our community. Committed to Am Yisrael.

Contributing financially – yes. But also contributing time, talents, skills, and always always always getting back more than we put in. The kickbacks on volunteerism are priceless.

When our ideal becomes our reality, we will have fulfilled the important task of becoming תוכו כברו. Man sees our outside. God sees our inside. Let us be נושא חן בעיני אלקים ואדם – allowing both God and Man to see the real us. Because the outside and the inside is the same.

On account of our new ideal reality, may we be blessed with many good years to come.

אמן כן יהי רצון.